How To Do Laundry In 11 (Not So)Easy Steps

Laundry, ugh, I break out in hives just thinking about the epic shit storm that this chore consists of.
 
But we mustn't look like a bunch of hobos so laundry is a necessary evil. Unless you're a husband. Then, you just drop socks and underwear all over the effing place and they magically appear all clean and folded in your drawer.

So how does one do the laundry? It's a very complicated 11-ish step process, at least in my homestead. Gather 'round, folks, and witness the lazy housewife's plight:

This is an example of what I don't look like on laundry day

Home Alone 2: How Much Did The McCallister's Christmas Vacation Cost?

"Someone actually figured out how much the Christmas vacation/s on Home Alone 2 cost? They need to get a life!" Ah, I love the smell of being judged. But you know what? Yes I did.  You're welcome. And don't try to act like you're not the least bit curious.

Mommy Raps

[Mom trying to pee in peace]
Mom, mooooom, mommy!
Seriously, get your fingers out from under the door
Hey, baby, hey, baby...baby, go get some animal crackers
Calm down, calm down child

With so much drama in this H-O-U-S-E
It's kinda hard being M-O- double M...Y (wait, that doesn't rhyme)
But I, somehow, some way
Keep coming up with fun activities every single day
May I (why, yes, you may!), cook a little something for the kids (yeah)
and, run a few errands as (yeah!) I cruise, through town
Three in the afternoon and cartoons are still on
'cause my spouse ain't home
I got a kid in the living room throwing a tantrum
and, he ain't going to bed until eight at night (eight at night)
So what you wanna do, shooooot
I got a sink full of dishes and my dishwasher is full
So turn off the lights and close the doors
"But...." (what's wrong?) , "You didn't put my night light on." Oh yeah!
Now I'm gonna have a Netflix marathon
Feet up, Frozen off, while you kiddos snooze

Facebook Emojis I Wish Existed

"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." I know, I know. But emojis were created so that we can say things without teeechnically saying things. Still, sometimes you see posts on social media that you just don't know how to respond to or deserve something besides a thumbs up.

Well, gather 'round, boys and girls *slams fist on table* because as usual, I have put something amazingly useless together for your entertainment: Facebook Emojis I Wish Existed.

No Sleep Mommy: A Children's Book Parody

I'm at it again with the children's book parodies because they're pretty rad. It's a spontaneous writing adventure and you never know what you're going to end up with. This time I'm doing a parody of the classic children's book Goodnight Moon, written by Margaret Wise Brown. Only this one is titled No Sleep Mommy.

What To Put On Your Mom Resume

After many years working in various Customer Service positions, I decided to hang in the towel temporarily to be a Stay-At-Home Mom. As my child gets older and prepares for Kindergarten, I have been thinking about rejoining the work force and how I'm going to explain that huge gap in my resume. This got me thinking. What would a mother's resume look like? And then hilarity ensued.

If Moms Were Given Medals

I had the privilege to be raised a "Navy brat" by the most badass old-school sailor ever and I can remember admiring all of the ribbons on my dad's uniform.

Besides having immense pride for our military, my father also instilled in me a great sense of humor and my most favoritest feature, the exquisite ability to cuss like a sailor.

After finally winning the nightly War On Bedtime with my tiny terror, I began to wonder, what types of awards would mothers get?

By no means am I comparing mothers to soldiers. I mean, we have it rough sometimes but c'mon now.

Take a look below, see which ribbons you would be awarded, print them out if you wish and tape them onto your shirt (not that I did that...shit, one of them is stuck to the cat...). Happy laughing, ladies ;)

DIY Halloween Garland

When my search for cute Halloween decor started this year, I fell in love with the Halloween garlands I saw in this picture from Wants and Wishes Design

The tissue paper pom pom garland especially struck my fancy but I wanted to use some of my craft paper instead of tissue paper to add a little wow factor.

While working with tissue paper is a lot easier, I was successful in creating a beautiful DIY Halloween Tassel/Pom Pom Garland and I'm gonna show you how.

Ain't it purdy?

What You'll Need

• Craft Paper (I used orange and about three different black and white patterns)
• Hot glue, regular glue, or tape
• Scissors
• Craft string, twine, or yarn
• Wooden skewer
• Ruler (although I got away with just eyeing mine)

Instructions

1. First, you're going to need to figure out how long you want your tassels or pom poms to be. Double the length of your desired tassel, and add about a half inch-inch to that. I wanted my tassels to be cute and small, so I decided on 3 inches and doubled that to about 6 inches.

2. Cut your craft paper the appropriate length using the calculations you did in step one. The width doesn't really matter, in my opinion, the longer, the better because it ends up being less cutting (sorta, you're gonna be doing a looootta cutting).

3. Fold the strip of paper you just cut in half and begin cutting tiny vertical strips in it, leaving about a half-inch of paper below the fold.



4. Now, you can cut your strips the desired width you'd like. I had to mess around with this quite a bit until I found my desired width. In the beginning I made them far too wide and since we're working with craft paper instead of tissue paper, the thickness can make it difficult to work with so for my garland, I ended up really liking 2-2 1/2 inches wide.

5. Now, unfold your paper and grab your wooden skewer because you're going to use it to roll the paper up. Starting at one side of the paper, fold the edge slightly over the skewer and begin to roll.

6. When you're finished rolling, pull the skewer out and pinch the middle of the paper tube you just made and then fold the entire thing in half.

7. Now, you can either continue to do this and make a giant stack of  tassels before attaching them to the string, or you can attach one by one, which is what I did just because I like to make things difficult and I didn't know how many of these babies would get me to my desired garland length. I ended up being able to cover 46 inches of wall space with my garland with just the right amount of slack and have a total of 28 tassels on my garland with an inch in-between each one.

To attach the tassels to the string, you have a choice. I've seen a few different tutorials on how to make these types of garlands and have seen people use hot glue and tape. If I could do this all over again, I would make a pile of pom poms and attach them all at once with hot glue but for the one in this tutorial, I just used clear Elmer's glue. Due to the thickness of the craft paper, this was a bit of a pain in the butt so save yourself the trouble and use tape or hot glue. Simply put a dab of glue where the fold is in each tassel, fold the tassel over the string and pinch until the glue dries.

8. Continue to attach tassels to your string until you get your desired length.

And that's it guys! Yay, you have an adorable Halloween garland!

I hope you liked this tutorial, please like, share, and comment below!

15 Reasons Why Dishes Are The Devil

Do you hate washing dishes and need a reason to procrastinate because you have a sink full of those fuckers right now? Then I've got just the thing for you (I always got your back, boo!).

Okay, I have a dishwasher so I know I shouldn't complain but I'm still convinced that washing dishes is a chore created by the devil.

National Be Nice To A Fellow Mom Day

 

Raise your hand if you've ever felt judged by another mom.

When I got pregnant with my son, I knew what I was signing up for (kinda). What I didn't know was that becoming a mother gave other moms (hell, gave everyone, parent or not) full license to judge.

Recent generations not only have to stand being judged in the real world, but online, too. The internet has given people a virtual soap box to express their opinions.

As if moms don't have enough to worry about, we face side-eyes and hushed conversations and pictures of perfect moms with tidy children and articles about how we're not doing things right.

Having a child is one of the best things that can happen to a person, but at times it can be lonely.

I saw this meme the other day and realized we need more compassion and less alienation.

I have a feeling there are a lot of moms out there who want to connect and be understood, even if that means a genuine smile at the mom in the grocery store with a tantrum-throwing tot.

That's why I want moms everywhere to band together and stop the mom wars for just one day. 

Let's create a holiday where we say and/or do something nice for fellow moms or simply acknowledge each other in a way that is kind. A break from feeling not good enough and maybe making a new friend sounds horrible, right?

Let's make National Be Nice To A Fellow Mom Day a thing. Call your mom friends out on being awesome. Sprinkle happiness around like glitter.

I'm challenging moms everywhere to give and receive a little bit of love because we deserve a freaking break and if anyone can understand that, it's other mommas.

Image Source: NYTimes

Mommy Cusses Daily LOLZ

Just here to give you your daily LOLZ. Caption is from my own lady brain. 

Image from: Huffington Post 

Alexis And The Terrible, Horrible, Can't Even, WTF Day: A Children's Book Parody

I've been wanting to write a children's book parody for quite some time now and as I was reading this book to my child, I thought, I could totally do a mom version of this. So I did. And, like life, it started out fun and funny and then ended up pretty depressing actually. My next project is going to be coming up with illustrations for these and then sell it for millions (yeah, right, well, I am going to make illustrations). I hope you get a good laugh out of this. Enjoy!

I went to sleep without wearing a pad and now there's blood on the sheets and when I got out of bed this morning I stepped on a soggy pee diaper and by mistake I squirted breast milk in the baby's face and all over my work shirt and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, can't even, WTF day.

The Many Uses Of Wine

While drinking wine is magical, there are many other uses for wine that you may not have thought of.

Brushing Your Teeth

Because it's alcohol and alcohol kills bacteria. Even dentists back this. Wanna make sure those tiny bacteria fuckers are gone? Gargle a couple glasses of the good stuff.

Mysterious Childhood Ailments

Throughout my career as a mother, I have witnessed and heard tales of certain common yet mysterious childhood ailments. I have taken it upon myself to catalog these ailments in hopes for a cure.

The Unquenchable Bedtime Thirst - this phenomenon has been noted by parents all over the world, where children inexplicably become parched after being tucked in.

Buttwiping Amnesia - They know how to do it. You know they know but for unknown reasons, and at random times, the piercing whine emits from the bathroom. "Wipe my buuuutt." When prodded about why they can't do it themselves, they claim to have forgotten or not know how.

Hand Tourettes - This affliction only presents itself when full cups of liquid are nearby. Everything appears normal, but suddenly, the child's hand loses all control and before you realize what's happening, drink has been spilled everywhere. 

Chocolate Succubus - Any mention of foods other than chocolate will be met with looks of disgust and the child will report not being hungry, however, once chocolate is presented, the child becomes ravenous, caring not for appearance whilst smearing the brown all over their faces and clothes.

Inconvenient Bladder Syndrome - Even if the child has emptied their bladder before leaving, moments after you arrive at an event or for groceries, the child will need to urinate. If no restrooms are available, the child's urgency will almost always be tenfold.

The Skeleton In The Closet Day 2

Skeleton In The Closet

Looks like Khaos, our skeleton, decided to go swimmin' with the fishes last night but not just any fish. Keep visiting Mommy Cusses for more Skeleton In The Closet ideas and fun!

The Skeleton In The Closet

It's October 1st which means it's time for The Skeleton In The Closet!

I have been Halloween obsessed for forever. I was the creepy little girl hammering scrap wood together to make crosses for the lawn. Halloween is my jam, y'all, so when I found out that there was an Elf on the Shelf for Halloween, you bet your sweet ass I bought one.

*groan* I know, some of you are not fans of things like this, Elf on the Shelf especially (he is super creepy looking) because I remember doing this:

But ya know what? If it makes my son giggle, it's worth it, and I have fun thinking of things to do.

So how does this whole skeleton in the closet thing work? (No, I'm not getting any affiliate perks, I just love this product, okay?) You buy the set that comes with an adorable book that explains everything, just like Elf on the Shelf. Every October 1st, the Skeleton in the Closet rises from the dead, comes out of your child's closet, and begins to trick-or-treat you every day until Halloween night when he/she goes back to the grave.

So obviously, if you're not into things rising from the dead and your kid thinking creepy things are in their closet, this may not be for you. Although the book is beautiful and makes everything very cute and light. My son wants to be a zombie so obviously this isn't a problem in our family.

You get to name your skeleton if you want. My son wanted to name him Jack Skellington but then I remembered that's what he named his elf. So I prodded him again and we finally agreed on Khaos (the super villain from the video game Skylanders).

So now that I've bored you to death, here is what Khaos did on his first day.

Yup, he had a coming out party *badum pshhhhh* I'll be here all week, guys and gals.

If you think this is neat, I'll be taking pics of all the fun shenanigans Khaos will be getting into this month.

I wish it were Halloween everyday.

Vanilla Ice Fried Rice, Baby

All right stop, go in your kitchen and listen, cuz Ice is back with an appetizing refreshment. People need to grub every day and nightly. Turn on the stove and I'll cook, do the whole delicious cuisine thing. I fry rice like Rachel Ray, light up the gas stove and I'll show you how to make something tastay. This recipe takes 30 minutes or less, quick to the point and feasible.

Dance...your way to your cupboards, grab these ingredients while I play a melody.

Funny Definition Of Mom Memes

Part 1 in the Definition Of Mom series.

Ying Yang Fried Chicken

You want a tasty ass recipe for fried up chicken that'll make you say, "Yeyeah!"? (yup!) Then try this shit out! (ha-haa!) cuz it's tasty (tasty), and it's fresh (fresh), and it only takes 45 minutes to make cuz we got some shit ta do today! (uh-huh!)

So You're Going To Potty Train Your Child In 3 Days...

That quote is from Adam Sandler in the movie Billy Madison and I want you to file it away in your mom brain and reference to it often, because potty training is one of the most difficult skills you're going to have to teach your child.

The Stay-At-Home Mom DIet

Yesterday you pinned all of the things to your "Thinspiration" board and went to bed early (because getting enough sleep is crucial weight loss!). You're freaking pumped. You're gonna kick that back fat and tummy pooch to the curb.

Chug a glass of cold water because it starts your metabolism AND your body will burn extra calories warming up the temperature of the water. It's Science!

Sip on a glass of hot water with lemon in it from your cutest mug or a hip mason jar cup. Just because you're on your way to losing weight doesn't mean you can't do it in style. Now Instagram a pic of you holding your cup.

Hot Mess Mom Approved DIY Jet Pack

Recently I decided to tackle a pin that had been on my kid board for way too long, a DIY Jet Pack. I quickly browsed the directions and realized I had (mostly) everything I needed but I decided to make some modifications. Here's how I did it.

Preparedness Drills For Future Parents

So you're thinking about becoming the proud new owner of a baby, but you're just not sure if you're ready for this parenting gig? I've got just the thing for you. Below I will be sharing with you a list of drills that will prepare you for Operation Tiny Person.

1. Go to your local grocery store with a friend and pick up two of the largest sacks of potatoes you can find. Ask your friend to stare at random strangers, occasionally blurting out random words. Also tell them to smack anything you pick up out of your hands.

2. Buy a life-sized baby doll. Fill the doll's head with lead and then attach the head back onto the body with a slinky. Practice picking it up, setting it down, and walking around with it one-handed.

3. Watch a TV show but have a friend throw something, scream in your ear, or engage in borderline life threatening behavior every 2-5 minutes.

Mommy Makeup Tutorial

Hey ladies! Are you a tired mom who doesn't have a lot of time in the morning to put on makeup? I feel you. That's why I've come up with this super simple mommy makeup tutorial.

First thing's first. Let's take off all our makeup from yesterday because you passed out with it on and don't have time to shower today. I recommend using baby wipes. Mmm, that's fresh.

Things That Happen When You Turn 30

My birthday is coming up and it's not just any birthday, it's my 30th. In contemplating my advanced age, I decided to make a list of things I'll be saying goodbye to in my thirties, but alas, there are some things I'm saying hello to, too.

Inspirational Posters From Moms

About a month ago I stumbled across these hilarious inspirational posters that had typical "mom quotes" on them, you can view the original post here.  But today I took it upon myself to continue the series.  Below are more funny inspirational posters with things your mom says.  Enjoy!