How to (Not) Make a Gingerbread House

It was the winter of 2015 that I was introduced to the extreme shitfest that is a gingerbread house kit. There I was, strolling the grocery store, having my ears assaulted by Mariah Carey’s “All I want for Christmas is You,” when I happened upon the supposed confectionary holiday magic in a box. I thought of my son and how his face would light up with a big, doofy smile. “Mommy, you’re the best! There is, and has never been another mother as great and perfect as you!” he would exclaim, in a British accent, because for some reason my brain decided to give him a British accent in this daydream. We would make childhood memories that my son would tell his children about someday. Oh, yeah, I was about to make it rain all kinds of holiday cheer up in this motherfucker. That was when I gently placed the nervous breakdown in a box inside of my shopping cart. What an asshole.

Much like everything else that has to do with parenting, the gingerbread kit came with some general instructions that wound up being a bunch of sugar-coated bullshit. But, hindsight is 20/20 (that is $20 I can never get back, and at least 20 WTF’s muttered under my breath).

What the instructions fail to mention, is that in order to erect the gingerbread house, you need to be an actual licensed general contractor. Then again, the instructions fail to mention a lot, so I’ve taken it upon myself to rewrite them entirely.

WTF Guide To The 2017 Pottery Barn Kids Holiday Catalog

It’s officially November, which means it’s time for my annual roast of this year’s Pottery Barn Kids Holiday catalog. Why? Because when you use words like “sateen” and “luxe faux fur” and spelle wourds with extra letteres or unnecessary diacritical ɱäřķş in descriptions to sound like a fancy bitch, you’re just asking for it imo. Last year, PBK was all sherpa-lined obnoxiousness. This year, well, it’s still sherping obnoxious, but they’ve somehow managed to turn it up a notch, and holy chamois-covered testicles is it funny.

I hope you have a change of underwear handy, because I fully intend on making tears run down your legs. Although, if you don’t, I’m sure PBK has some $100 plush and lace chonies for people who piss pure excellence.

A VERY BAD MOM CHRISTMAS

This post is sponsored by Evite.

Hold onto your peppermint schnapps-filled bra flasks, ladies, because A Bad Moms Christmas, the sequel to the mom’s anthem of movies, Bad Moms, is coming out in December and we need this. Holy common core, do we need this. So, what does it mean to be a “bad mom” during the holidays even? These days, it can mean opting to not play with Lucifer’s doll, aka an Elf on the Shelf, in the middle of the night by making it poop Hershey Kisses in order to delight one’s children. But, if you need other examples of ways you’re robbing your children of seasonal magic and wonderment, Pinterest has them in the thousands.

In the days leading up to Christmas, there are always ample opportunities to festively fuck up, and in anticipation of A Bad Moms Christmas, I started thinking about my own “bad mom” moments, of which there are plenty.

Mom Life Magazine: Because Other Parenting Magazines Give You Enough To Worry About

WTF-MD: The WebMD for Parents (Because our Kids Are Trying to Kill Us)

As mothers, part of our job description is to frantically Google symptoms we or our family members are experiencing in order to come up with a crazy-as-shit self-diagnosis before calling the doctor. 90% of the time, that diagnosis is imminent death, and 100% of the time, our doctors are tired of our bullshit antics (and wish they'd never given us the number to their cell phone).

Sometimes in life, we experience a set of symptoms that just don't seem to fit under any known conditions. It's not that these conditions don't exist, it's just that they haven't been named yet. At least not officially. That's why I've taken it upon myself to identify some of these common yet mysterious ailments that run rampant among parents.

Check off any and all symptoms that apply:

So, You Want To Start A Blog?

Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of questions about blogging. I’ve avoided writing about this topic because I feel like doing so gives people the impression that I’m some kind of expert at this when, in reality, I’m just an expert at not knowing WTF I’m doing. On my journey as a blogger, I’ve made lots of mistakes and I’m nowhere near the blogger I aspire to be, but through those mistakes and crippling self-doubt, I have picked up some tips and tricks and can tell you what I do know.

It That Shall Not Be Named

Gather 'round and lean in close, ladies, because things are about to get weird, intimate, graphic, and super awkward. I can't help it, it's kinda my thing.

Ladies, what in the shit is wrong with us? There are new moms out there, happy and basking in their pregnancy glow and heads full of long, luscious pregnancy hair that have no clue about my topic today, and it should be our job to warn them, but we fucking don't.

Ice + Salt Eroding Brain Experiment

Listen, guys, I have a confession. I’m a closet Pinterest Mom. I’m not like a regular Pinterest Mom, I’m a cool Pinterest Mom. 

I’ve decided to start sharing some hot-mess-mom-approved kid activities with you in case you also blur the lines between total shit show of a parent and sometimes does cool crap with their offspring.

In the future, I’ll also be sharing with you all the fun Pinterest fails I’ve run across so you don’t find yourself screaming into a pillow on numerous occasions like I have.

For my first hot mess mom kidtivity, I present to you, the Eroding Brain.

How To Pee If You're A Boy

If you’re a boy mom, you know that once you start potty training, your bathrooms will look and smell like a thing of nightmares. Urine-drenched nightmares. 

Cleaning the bathroom is a chore I have listed alongside things like changing a baboon’s diaper after a recent bout of food poisoning, and sponge-bathing the skin cheese of a stranger’s fupa.

Going #1 when you’re a little boy can be tricky, so I’ve slapped together this fun little how-to as a guide. Feel free to add more disgusting pee acts or modify the steps as you see fit.

Party Favors That Parents Secretly F*cking Hate

All parents have had to deal with the aftermath of shitty party favors from well-meaning parents.

If you're the owner of a tiny human, then you have undoubtedly come into contact with a plethora of party favors. Most of the time, these favors are pretty damned cool and you can even wait a month or two before throwing them away. But sometimes, your child comes home with an assortment of nopes by a parent you're certain must secretly hate you.

Allow me to detail each item in the Pandora's box of kid's party favor fuckery.

The Mom Diet & Exercise Plan

While it may not seem like it, the highly coveted “mom bod” can only be attained through a very strict diet and exercise regimen. Until now, this popular diet has been known only to mothers. After all, not everyone can handle the attention our dark under-eye circles and stretch marks draw in public. Being fabulous is so tiring.

It’s time to share the secrets of our diet plan, appropriately titled the “Mom Diet”.

How To (Not) Get Your Child In A Car Seat

There are few tasks that yield as much resistance and mind-fuckery from your child than getting them into their car seat.

It all sounds so simple: pick up your kid, set them down in their car seat, adjust and secure the car seat straps, and drive off into the sunset. Unfortunately, babies are born into this world with car seat repellent limbs.

Straight from the shitty parent's instruction manual, here's how to (not) get your kid into a  car seat.

How To Co-Sleep In 2,457 Easy Steps

The term co-sleeping is deceiving af. First, there’s the “co,” meaning jointly or mutually. What a crock of shit. There’s nothing jointly going on besides your kid’s jagged toenails taking turns slipping down your butt crack. Then there’s “sleeping.” Um, if by sleeping you mean 2-7 hours of internal screaming to an agonizing soundtrack of baby farts and your spouse’s snoring, then sure, some sleeping happens.

Whether you planned on co-sleeping or gave up the good fight just to gain another goddamn hour of shut-eye, there are some unspoken guidelines on how to do this thing properly.

Here’s how to co-sleep in 2,457 easy steps: