Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Delightfully Sweary Mom Hacks

Delightfully Sweary Mom Hacks by Mommy Cusses

I love a good parenting hack. They make life as the sinking Titanic of moms that much easier. But this wouldn't be Mommy Cusses if I didn't throw a well-placed f-bomb or twenty around and I have a reputation to uphold. You may have seen my earlier Sweary Parenting Hacks post where I took a "Thug Kitchen" approach to parenting hacks I've found useful so that the end result are delightfully sweary, very much not your mom's parenting hacks that will have you saying, "Shit, that's helpful!"

Thursday, May 31, 2018

How to Mom When You Have Anxiety: 101

How to Mom when you have anxiety by Mommy Cusses funny mom blog mental illness

Being a mom who lives with anxiety, or any mental illness, is tough. It’s like stacking an elephant on top of a rickety ladder that could give way at any moment, only the elephant is the worry and stress that comes with the territory of caring for a child, and you’re the rickety ladder struggling to stay upright when everything is telling you to collapse.

Now that I’ve told you, my probably fellow ladder, what you know all too well, let’s have a laugh with How to Mom When You Have Anxiety.

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

The 10 Plagues of Bedtime

when your kid won't go to sleep bedtime routine exhausted mom kids are assholes

It’s bedtime, and you’re about T-30 minutes away from doing a victory touchdown dance outside your child’s door. Except, nine times out of ten, your kid isn’t willing to go down without a fight.

I like to refer to this as the 10 Plagues of Bedtime.

Because when children are involved, bedtime is a shitfest of biblical proportions.

Tuesday, May 1, 2018

5 Parents Who Are Even Worse Than You (Probably)

5 Parents Who Are Worse Than You funny mom blog Mommy Cusses
As a parent, you have one job. To have your child on a strict but fun daily schedule that nurtures their interests, has them waking up and going to bed at the appropriate hour some stranger on the internet decided was appropriate for their age, make nutritious, organic, sugar-free meals made with locally grown ingredients, brush their teeth, do age-appropriate chores, entertain them or fill their day with activities and extracurriculars like sports or robotics so they can learn teamwork and practical job skills for the future, monitor their screen time, encourage growth and independence, protect them without hovering, be a strong, sound role model who is a pillar of good behavior, kindness, and respect at all times, teach them to be polite but never a pushover, stay on top of their homework, never yell or lose your cool, discipline them in a well thought out way as approved by a panel of child psychologists so as not to traumatize them for life, and put down your phone so you can be present and available for them whenever they ask you to watch them sprint from one room to the next for the eleventeenth time. Super easy, right?

If parental guilt and society’s endless list of expectations of you as a parent has you pouring a bit o’ whiskey in with your morning coffee, this one’s for you, homie. 

Here are five of the worst parents in history to make you feel a little better about yourself. Here’s the twist: I give you a lowdown of their dirty deeds, but you won’t know who the culprit is until the end. Oooh, intrigue.

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

7 Uncommon Swear Words Applied to Motherhood

Shitpouch uncommon underused funny swear words from around the world applied to motherhood and parenting by Mommy Cusses

Swearing is my favorite. There’s just something about a good ol’ curse word that titillates my dysfunctional soul. The thing about swear words is that they can be used in a pinch as substitutes for almost any word and you can apply them to mean just about anything, regardless of their true meaning. They’re also great for conveying emotions other words just can’t do justice. As a connoisseur of anything sweary, I take expanding my swearcabulary very seriously. I’ve made it my mission to discover new and exciting curse words to share with you and apply them to parenting and motherhood. 
Here are seven of my new favorite underused swear words:

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

6 Pocket Horror Stories. Because I Can't Sleep, so Neither Should You

Mommy Cusses Pocket Horror Stories short horror stories

A few years ago, I came across a series of "two-sentence" horror stories like these ones on Bored Panda, and decided to write some of my own parent-themed "pocket" horror stories. As a severely sleep-deprived mom with nothing to do as I sat outside of my son's bedroom, trying to Jedi mind trick him into going the fuck to sleep, my cup ranneth over with bizarre thoughts. Now that I have another child who won't sleep, I've thought up a couple more. Because misery loves company, and if I can't sleep, then why should you?

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

8 Funny Valentine's Day Cards for Your Favorite Mom Friend

Funny Valentine's Day cards for moms and mom friends by Mommy Cusses

There's Valentine's Day, Singles Awareness Day, and even Galentines Day which sounds like some kinky orgy where you wear horse masks and flog each other while some creepo stands in the corner banging a cowbell. Moms always get the shaft. That's why I'm coining the day with an equally obnoxious term: Momentine's Day.

Many of us have been fortunate enough to make a mom friend or two who is equally as dysfunctional as ourselves. Someone who's been through the struggles and doesn't judge you when you go lock yourself in the bathroom and take a breather while your kid throws a tantrum. Someone who's down to come over and talk shit while refereeing the kids from the kitchen while you snack on your kids' leftover nugs. Someone who laughs at the same remarkably inappropriate things as you do.

Give the special mom friend in your life one of these funny Valentine's Day cards to let her know that not only does she do an impeccable job at cleaning up other people's shit, she is the shit.