The 10 Plagues of Bedtime

It’s bedtime, and you’re about T-30 minutes away from doing a victory touchdown dance outside your child’s door. Except, nine times out of ten, your kid isn’t willing to go down without a fight.

I like to refer to this as the 10 Plagues of Bedtime.

Because when children are involved, bedtime is a shitfest of biblical proportions.

Turning nothing into whine
Ah, yes. Before you even get your child corralled inside their bedroom, the whines begin. They’re not tired, they want to play still, they need to show you something. The excuses seem to come with each step you take towards their bed. Do not give in. Do not show any signs of weakness.

Talking over the story
First, they’ll take forever to find a book that is acceptable for you to read, then they will proceed to talk over every word you say and ask questions about the story that would be answered if they’d just LISTEN TO THE FREAKING STORY.

Unquenchable thirst
Their bladders are small, but their mouths - that won’t stop flapping - are not. They want water and they want it NOW, and despite your better judgement and fear of bed wetting, your need for precious post-bedtime alone time wins out in the end.

Hot ‘n’ cold
Of all the rooms in your home, your child’s room is the one that experiences extreme temperature changes. Why? Because the Universe turned against you the moment you had children. A fan, an extra blanket, a cuddle—your kid will use expert negotiation tactics to get what they want by using their environment against you.

The perfect toy
You’ve supplied them with their favorite toy, but the moment you ask them to get into bed, they suddenly experience immense separation anxiety from that severed Barbie head at the bottom of their toy box. You know, the one they haven’t played with in months because it’s motherfucking terrifying and possibly possessed by beelzebub.

The Philosopher
All day you’ve struggled to get your child to open up to you about his or her day at school or to even acknowledge you when you call their name, but there’s something about bedtime that brings out every child’s inner Aristotle. They will unleash an arsenal of rapid-fire questions that will leave you questioning the very meaning of your existence.

The never-empty bladder
They refused to go to the bathroom like you asked them to prior to getting into bed, because that would mean surrendering of one of their more affective bedtime-deterring excuses: “I have to go potty.” They can use this excuse up to three times, and they know it. The first time, they go in the bathroom and make funny faces in the mirror. The second time will be because “nothing came out” the first time they tried. The third time will be to do the number (one or two) that they haven’t already done.

Insatiable appetite
The reason your kid never eats a damn thing during the day is because they’re fasting until bedtime. Just to defy you.

Invisible friend
By far, one of the most irritating bedtime plagues is your dear child’s invisible friend. Imagination is at its peak at bedtime which means visitation hours for your child’s imaginary friend have begun. They will talk to the corners of their bedroom, laugh boisterously, and stomp from room to room on guided, top-secret missions to find your vibrator and very last nerve.

Parkour
If I had to guess just by listening, the possibilities for what is happening in my child’s room are:

• They have unearthed a game of Jumanji.
• They have invited every death metal band in history to play a concert in unison where a lead singer takes a bite out of my sanity and spits it out into the crowd as an offering to Satan.
• They’ve picked up on your love of HGTV and have decided to take down some walls by Chip Gaines-ing them with their head.
• They have invented some type of hybrid rugby/sumo/parkour sport. They win when you lose your absolute fucking mind.