WTF Guide To The 2016 Pottery Barn Kids Holiday Catalog

If you haven’t read the 2016 Hater’s Guide to theWilliams-Sonoma Catalog, you’re missing out. After cackling over this year’s article, I wanted to write my own version for parents.

As parents, we run into some obnoxiously priced and unnecessary gear for kids. Before our children are even born, we get slammed with ridiculous lists of newborn “essentials.” For once in my life, I sought out a place that sold expensive kids products. That’s when I came across Pottery Barn Kids’ 2016 Holiday catalog for December. And while I do love me some Pottery Barn, some of the products I discovered in their 2016 December catalog were…well, you’ll see.

Here’s a little highlight reel of shit I won’t be buying from Pottery Barn Kids this year or ever. Probably. If anyone wants to gift me some of these, however, now that's another matter.

Momified Parodies Of Your Favorite Christmas Songs

It’s that time of the year again. The smell of gingerbread, cocoa, and peppermint is in the air and everyone’s getting into the Christmas spirit.

For parents, the holidays come with their very own set of challenges. Some got roped into the Elf on the Shelf shit show, some are trying to keep the ruse of Santa alive, Pinterest moms are making the rest of us feel inadequate with all their effing crafts and holiday decor.

Many of us have been teaching our children what the meaning of this holiday is all about through stories and carols. And while we’re trying to make childhoods magical, we’re low key losing our goddamned minds over the pressures that come with the Holiday Season: Christmas shopping, dealing with extended family, our kids insisting on clumping all the ornaments on a single tree branch. Somebody pass me the spiked egg nog, stat.

If you’re in need of some comic relief, I’ve got you covered with a couple momified parodies of some of your favorite X-mas songs.

What Moms Really Want for Christmas

The Holidays are here and spouses are scrambling to figure out what to get their significant others. It’s not like they wouldn’t be in this pickle if they’d just opened their motherfucking ears as we dropped hints throughout the year or anything, but I digress. 

 

Because I’m in a giving mood (no, no, zip your pants up, not that kind of giving. That’s your wish list, not mine), I’ve decided to compile a list of things you could give the woman who obliterated her body to give your offspring life. Totally nbd. But that’s not all, these items all have one thing in common; they won’t cost you a single penny.

Here are 9 totally free things you could give us moms:

"Why Do Moms?" Google Autocomplete

Google’s autocomplete feature is one that garners some handy and hilarious results. If you aren’t familiar with this feature, it’s where Google offers search suggestions based off whatever words you begin to type into the search bar. These suggestions are things that people have actually typed in, and they’re usually the more popular searches.

I decided to have a little fun with Google autocomplete with: Why do moms.

These were Google’s top search suggestions:

Why do moms get fat

Why do moms yell all the time

Why do moms kiss their babies

Why do moms hate their daughters

Why do moms yell

I’M NOT YELLING. YOU’RE YELLING!

Since these are questions that actual people have pondered enough to consult Google, I thought, who better to answer these seekers of knowledge than a mom? 

So, let’s get to it.

New Game Obsession: KinderPerfect

 First and foremost, guys, I've been working on a pretty big project which is why I have been neglecting this blog a bit. When I finally tell you what I've been up to, you'll be excited. I think. I hope.

But without further ado...

All work and no play makes mommy hide in a locked closet with chocolate.

An Amazon Review Of Childbirth

After reading the rave reviews for this product and downing a few glasses of wine, I finally decided that it was time to drop this wish list item into my shopping cart and make it a reality.

At checkout, I carefully selected my desired options, summoned up every ounce of courage, and clicked ORDER.

Buyer’s remorse quickly set in. What was I doing? Was I ready? Did I truly want this? But as soon as the confirmation e-mail popped up in my inbox, I was ecstatic.

The description of this item states that it takes “nine months” after the purchase date for it to arrive, so I prepared myself for the wait. I checked in on the status messages of my order obsessively: “We have received your order,” “Processing your order,” and then finally, “Preparing your order for shipment.”

Nine months came and went and I was still sans package. After calling Customer Service, I found out that the process is more like 10 months. What. The. Fuck.

Then one morning, I received the text: Your package is out for delivery.

How I Potty Trained My Newborn In 6 Easy Steps

Shortly after learning that I was pregnant, I decided to lead a more natural life. I traveled to the hills of Nebraska and found a large team of wild horses who took me under their hooves.

I learned so much during my time with them, and before I knew it I was naked on all fours, hovering over a pile of hay. As my baby crowned, I took off on a trot to help him come out. After lapping placenta off of him, I nuzzled him onto all fours, which prompted him to pass his first meconium poop. I knew right then and there that he was ready to be potty trained.

Many parents have been living under the misguided assumption that their offspring need to be 2 or 3 before they can successfully be potty trained, and to that I say, “NEIGH!” Equine Americans have been practicing Baby-Led Shitting successfully for centuries. Babies can be potty trained the moment they are born. They literally were born ready.

Want to know how a newborn can be potty trained with just 6 easy steps? Read on if you’re not a terrible parent, or don’t and just know that you’re wrong. Have fun with all that diaper rash and social conformity.

Fun Non-Traditional Baby Shower Game

 Fun Baby Shower Game: Pass The Baby

Years ago, I threw a friend a baby shower. I wanted to come up with some baby shower games that didn't completely suck and ended up coming up with one on my own. Well, sorta. I stole the idea from a hilarious Passions party game and modified it for the baby shower. Key word, modified. No, I did not do a sex party game at a baby shower.

The game I modified required you to pass a certain X-rated object from betwixt your legs from person to person. Naturally, I, in all my awkward inappropriateness, wanted to play this game. At someone's baby shower. 

Don't worry, I made the game totally PG-13, and everyone had a freaking blast doing it.

9 Pokemon Go Characters Every Mom Can Identify With

They say curiosity killed the cat. By they, I mean all parents who are still sans Pokémon Go, free to waste a few moments mindlessly scrolling through their phones without a child snatching it out of their hands.

Recently, I have submitted to the wildly popular Pokémon Go craze and become one of the millions to download it.

As I delved deeper into the world of Pokémon, I realized that I identify with these monsters. They’re just creatures trying to live their lives while being chased around by children who are hell-bent on trapping them inside enclosed spaces.

I am never the same mom. My mood depends on situations, people, time of day, caffeine and alcohol levels, and also when I was fed last (and told I was pretty).

The following Pokémon have personality traits and behaviors I think all moms can relate to. Bear with me.

How To Twitter

I'm not Kim Kardashian, nor do I claim to be the Queen of The Twitter, but I've been using Twitter for a couple of years now and have learned a lot by fucking up a lot. When I first started using Twitter, I searched Google for all the halp I could get and took away little to nothing. That's why I thought I'd help those starting out or wanting to gain more followers by passing on some tips that don't totally suck.

Here it goes!

Hilariously Terrible Mother's Day Cards

Mother's Day is right around the corner and it can be tough to find a card that has all the right words in it. That's why I've taken it upon myself to create a series of hilariously terrible and extremely unconventional Mother's Day cards that hopefully say everything you wish you could and more. Feel free to share!

I hope you enjoyed these. Happy Mother's Day from this dysfunctional momma to hopefully some other dysfunctional moms. Which one was your favorite?

To The Mom I Wanted To Be

We thought we had it all figured out, didn’t we? We added only the very best of everything to our baby registry, pinned healthy bento box lunch ideas to carefully curated Pinterest boards and poured over baby books. We listened to the horror stories of seasoned parents while smugly saying to ourselves Well, when I have a baby... (insert totally naive thing you will or won’t do). And then we did.

How To Make A Murdered Meal

You're pumped! You found a promising recipe on Pinterest that received rave reviews and you're ready to treat your family's taste buds to a culinary masterpiece. Then about halfway through you realize this entire endeavor is a catastrophic mistake.

You're murdering this meal and not in the good way. File this one under Fail.

How To Be The Perfect Mom

Hi, I'm Perfect Mom, nice to formally meet you. You actually know me quite well because I live inside your head. You've assembled me from women you see on TV, Pinterest, and your social media. I am the perceptions that you bully yourself with. I fill you with guilt and doubt and make you question if you do enough, if you are enough.

It just so happens I have some time to spare between my anal bleaching appointment and our weekly family fun night, so I thought I'd tell you a little bit about what it takes to be, well, perfect.

Mom Funnies

I saw this collection of tactical hand signals last year and someone had changed the meaning of said signals and I laughed way harder than I should have. So I got to thinking, what if I altered the meaning of these hand signals to things that would make sense for parents. So I did.

My 260-Week Old's Monthly Update

We've all seen them. Those cute monthly updates from friends and family documenting all the new and exciting things their baby is doing alongside an adorable photo and stats on their development. Smiling, developing a personality, sitting unsupported, crawling, all those incredible and share-worthy milestones. Usually the whole thing stops by their first birthday. But what if they didn't?

Here's what we would see if parents continued to keep track of their children's stats passed the age of 1.