tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30100768388461981352024-02-18T21:07:48.058-08:00Mommy CussesMommy Cusses is a laugh out loud lifestyle blog for not-so-super moms about parenting that includes healthy doses of sarcasm, sweary words, and malarkey. Mommy Cusseshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14219465459041083272noreply@blogger.comBlogger64125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3010076838846198135.post-26464589106733545252018-06-12T15:03:00.001-07:002018-06-12T15:03:07.132-07:00Delightfully Sweary Mom Hacks<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I love a good parenting hack. They make life as the sinking Titanic of moms that much easier. But this wouldn't be Mommy Cusses if I didn't throw a well-placed f-bomb or twenty around and I have a reputation to uphold. You may have seen my earlier <a href="http://www.mommycusses.com/2018/02/sweary-mom-hacks.html#more" target="_blank">Sweary Parenting Hacks</a> post where I took a "Thug Kitchen" approach to parenting hacks I've found useful so that the end result are delightfully sweary, very much not your mom's parenting hacks that will have you saying, "Shit, that's helpful!"<br />
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Don't let your kids suck mold water out of their rubber ducky's bung. That shit is disgusting. If you love your children, it's time to get kinky. Play some Bump 'n' Grind by R. Kelly, get up nice and close to those bath toys' booty holes and drip some hot glue over and around that rim because that's one hole you don't want to be moist. Yeah, I said it - <b><i>moist</i></b>.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnaX3KKLH_YgKmoJojmJYrcpixgO9MRL4kDpZV7W_pZ2p569e7Cc5dSiy30VVbMXbZMUyTD8w7rgqtrdLRGFuf3NsR8ukiYApYUjXyPCiacH5iwqOmxMVHpyywhpxGYYEYk1XrI2iJG6KH/s1600/Mommy+Cusses+parenting+hack+life+hack+2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Sweary Parenting Hacks by Mommy Cusses kids throwing up kids sick" border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="800" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnaX3KKLH_YgKmoJojmJYrcpixgO9MRL4kDpZV7W_pZ2p569e7Cc5dSiy30VVbMXbZMUyTD8w7rgqtrdLRGFuf3NsR8ukiYApYUjXyPCiacH5iwqOmxMVHpyywhpxGYYEYk1XrI2iJG6KH/s640/Mommy+Cusses+parenting+hack+life+hack+2.png" title="Sweary Parenting Hacks by Mommy Cusses kids throwing up kids sick" width="640" /></a>Welcome to parenthood - kid puke is part of your life now. If you can't manage to catch it all with your makeshift hand trough, like the human dumpster you are, you can use the grounds from your eternally cold coffee to neutralize the smell so you don't get the liquid giggles, too.<br />
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Coffee grounds will also dehydrate it so you can sweep up that gut chowder.<br />
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Doors are some "me-time" cockblocking mofo's.<br />
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You worked hard to get your baby to sleep and freedom lies just on the other side of their door but when you go to close it - CLACLANKCLACLANKCKCKCKCKCKKKKKKK. The shit?<br />
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Put a muzzle on that bitch by wrapping a ribbon or rubber band around both handles which will keep that door peen tucked in real nice.<br />
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Babies are like creepy little stalkers. They crave your musk. Sleep with one of their baby blankets or put a shirt you've worn close to where they sleep so they can smell you and think you're nearby. Because you're someone's little nap bitch now.</div>
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Have any mom hacks you want me to swearify? Comment below with those helpful little binches. </div>
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Mommy Cusseshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14219465459041083272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3010076838846198135.post-91389743088182575022018-05-31T10:33:00.001-07:002018-05-31T10:43:40.592-07:00How to Mom When You Have Anxiety: 101<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Being a mom who lives with anxiety, or any mental illness, is tough. It’s like stacking an elephant on top of a rickety ladder that could give way at any moment, only the elephant is the worry and stress that comes with the territory of caring for a child, and you’re the rickety ladder struggling to stay upright when everything is telling you to collapse.<br />
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Now that I’ve told you, my probably fellow ladder, what you know all too well, let’s have a laugh with How to Mom When You Have Anxiety.<br />
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<b>1. It's like you're not even trying</b><br />
As moms with anxiety powers, we have the duty to try and manage our anxiety. And no one likes to tell us how to do that more than people without anxiety. So, before reading on, make sure you can’t cure your anxiety with one of these simple tactics:<br />
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• Try to not think about it<br />
• Realize how much worse other people have it<br />
• Stop feeling sorry for yourself<br />
• Just relax<br />
• Try breathing exercises<br />
• Go for a run<br />
• Realize that you’re not the only one with problems. You self-centered bastard<br />
• Toughen up<br />
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<b>2. Plan your day</b><br />
You need to take into account what shit you absolutely need/want to get done, followed by what you could put off if you and your family rough it for a bit longer and then match those things up with places, routes, and times that are anxiety-friendly. Anxiety-friendly venues are places that you know fairly well and have the least population density as possible. This can change according to time of day. You know that song that goes, “The freaks come out at night”? Well, there’s a reason for that and that reason is because there’s usually less assholes blocking aisles or scuffing the back of your shoes with their goddamned carts. Earlier in the mornings is also optimal. Never directly before or during your child’s designated nap time. Do not skip that shit.<br />
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Now that you’ve planned your day accordingly, think up ways to completely sabotage yourself productively. Get lost scrolling Facebook, start cleaning, start watching a movie your kids love, go on Pinterest and pin a ton of recipes and projects you’ll never ever make or do. Procrastinate. Hard. Today’s anxiety can go on tomorrow’s tab. You can worry about it at 2 AM right after your regularly scheduled mental slideshow of all the ways you have failed in life. You know the one.<br />
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<b>3. Look busy at all times</b><br />
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Eye-contact is not your friend. I repeat, eye-contact is <b>not</b> your friend. Eye-contact is a gateway drug for the anxiety-riddled person’s most hated 12-lettered-word: conversation *shudder*. Whenever I go out, I go into straight tunnel vision mode and kinda glaze everyone and everything not in my path out. If I have to stay in one spot while others are around me, I do things like check my email a dozen times in a row, become extra engaged with my child, scroll social media, pretend to be interested in a random spot on the wall, suddenly become fascinated with the sky and my surroundings, pretend to be texting, anything I can to look unavailable.<br />
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<b>4. Give yourself a pre-socializing pep talk</b><br />
Okay, you’ve flaked way too much lately and what little friends you still have left at this point of your life are on the verge of giving up on you. Or it’s a special function or event you have to attend because it involves your child. Or you just fucking have to because things.<br />
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Before going on a social outing or somewhere you know there will be a lot of people you can’t avoid, give yourself a pre-socializing pep-talk. Mentally prepare for the awkwardness guaranteed to lie ahead by knowing how awkward it’s going to be and surrendering. I like to start my pep-talk days before the event if I’ve been given that much notice. If I haven’t been given much notice and I’m still going, I must like you a whole fucking lot because not giving someone ample time to mind freak is Friend of An Anxious Person No-No #1.<br />
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Repeat after me: “I am weird af. I’m going to make people feel uncomfortable with my awkward laughter and creepy aura smog of nervous energy, and that’s okay…ish.”<br />
<b><br />5. Allow yourself ample time to de-people</b><br />
Alone time. Now that you’ve shocked your system by making human contact, it’s time to turn into a vegetable. Spiritually and mentally burrow deep inside of yourself. You need to debrief. Oh, wait, your family keeps demanding that you take care of their basic needs? Throw some Cheerios on the floor, set out some glasses of water and towels (because you know they’re gonna spill shit), lay down some puppy pads, mutter “I love you” when you’re not replaying every single detail of every single moment you’ve experienced thus far in life, and snap out of it if you hear anyone screaming, like, really screaming, like, someone’s bleeding screaming.<br />
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If you don’t de-people, all that residual energy from the people-ing you’ve done is going to build up until you burst over something totally random. WHY IN THE EVERLASTING FUCK IS THERE A SMALL SPOON IN THE DISHWASHER SLOT WHERE THE BIG SPOONS GO?<br />
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<b>6. Find parent/child unicorns</b><br />
And hold onto them for dear life. Yes, socializing is an integral part of your child’s development and well-being. They shouldn’t have to suffer because you’re a nervous wreck. So, you’re gonna need to be uncomfortable for a while by meeting up with strangers for play dates. It’s not going to be fun. You’ll be mentally rocking back-and-forth the entire duration of the outing and leave with a stress headache. But then you’ll meet the “perfect” pair that are either the same brand of weird as you are, or are compatible with your crazy.<br />
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<b>7. Figure out a way to make home life exciting</b><br />
Or, at very least, acceptable. Leaving the house is probably not something you’re fond of unless you absolutely have to. There are too many uncontrolled variables. Because of that, you’re gonna have to make home life fun, exciting, tolerable – you get it. Search for some fun crafts and activities to do. Like that one where you tell your kid to keep a coin pinned to the wall using only their nose and they lose if it drops. Or, who can scream into a pillow the loudest? Hang on, let mommy tally up this week’s mom guilt, okay, go!<br />
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Anxiety is a real bitch but hopefully I’ve pacified yours with a dose of laughter. What are some obstacles you’ve faced as a parent with anxiety, or tips you have for navigating the parenting trenches with mental illness?Mommy Cusseshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14219465459041083272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3010076838846198135.post-30977842056167061352018-05-29T10:29:00.001-07:002018-05-30T16:55:33.886-07:00The 10 Plagues of Bedtime<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footer"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of figures"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of authorities"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="toa heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">It’s bedtime, and you’re about T-30 minutes away from doing a victory touchdown dance outside your child’s door. Except, nine times out of ten, your kid isn’t willing to go down without a fight.<br /><br />I like to refer to this as the 10 Plagues of Bedtime.<br /><br />Because when children are involved, bedtime is a shitfest of biblical proportions.</span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><br /><b>Turning nothing into whine</b><br />Ah, yes. Before you even get your child corralled inside their bedroom, the whines begin. They’re not tired, they want to play still, they need to show you something. The excuses seem to come with each step you take towards their bed. Do not give in. Do not show any signs of weakness.<br /><br /><b>Talking over the story</b><br />First, they’ll take forever to find a book that is acceptable for you to read, then they will proceed to talk over every word you say and ask questions about the story that would be answered if they’d just LISTEN TO THE FREAKING STORY.<br /><b><br />Unquenchable thirst</b><br />Their bladders are small, but their mouths - that won’t stop flapping - are not. They want water and they want it NOW, and despite your better judgement and fear of bed wetting, your need for precious post-bedtime alone time wins out in the end.<br /><br /><b>Hot ‘n’ cold</b><br />Of all the rooms in your home, your child’s room is the one that experiences extreme temperature changes. Why? Because the Universe turned against you the moment you had children. A fan, an extra blanket, a cuddle—your kid will use expert negotiation tactics to get what they want by using their environment against you.<br /><br /><b>The perfect toy</b><br />You’ve supplied them with their favorite toy, but the moment you ask them to get into bed, they suddenly experience immense separation anxiety from that severed Barbie head at the bottom of their toy box. You know, the one they haven’t played with in months because it’s motherfucking terrifying and possibly possessed by beelzebub.<br /><br /><b>The Philosopher</b><br />All day you’ve struggled to get your child to open up to you about his or her day at school or to even acknowledge you when you call their name, but there’s something about bedtime that brings out every child’s inner Aristotle. They will unleash an arsenal of rapid-fire questions that will leave you questioning the very meaning of your existence.<br /><br /><b>The never-empty bladder</b><br />They refused to go to the bathroom like you asked them to prior to getting into bed, because that would mean surrendering of one of their more affective bedtime-deterring excuses: “I have to go potty.” They can use this excuse up to three times, and they know it. The first time, they go in the bathroom and make funny faces in the mirror. The second time will be because “nothing came out” the first time they tried. The third time will be to do the number (one or two) that they haven’t already done.<br /><br /><b>Insatiable appetite</b><br />The reason your kid never eats a damn thing during the day is because they’re fasting until bedtime. Just to defy you.<br /><b><br />Invisible friend</b><br />By far, one of the most irritating bedtime plagues is your dear child’s invisible friend. Imagination is at its peak at bedtime which means visitation hours for your child’s imaginary friend have begun. They will talk to the corners of their bedroom, laugh boisterously, and stomp from room to room on guided, top-secret missions to find your vibrator and very last nerve.<br /><br /><b>Parkour</b><br />If I had to guess just by listening, the possibilities for what is happening in my child’s room are:</span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">They have unearthed a game of Jumanji.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">They have invited every death metal band in history to play a concert in unison where a lead singer takes a bite out of my sanity and spits it out into the crowd as an offering to Satan.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">They’ve picked up on your love of HGTV and have decided to take down some walls by Chip Gaines-ing them with their head.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">They have invented some type of hybrid rugby/sumo/parkour sport. They win when you lose your absolute fucking mind.</span></li>
</ul>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>Mommy Cusseshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14219465459041083272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3010076838846198135.post-54362494827685446272018-05-01T14:36:00.000-07:002018-05-01T14:40:37.527-07:005 Parents Who Are Even Worse Than You (Probably)<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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mso-para-margin-left:0in;
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE46QDno-7f9etefQ57kIvE_TnkisZQthEk5AInWeUAnGxU0w9zI6NzMMZTi2jeq_kpGTCnUnd_zOGnHQQMFdMk6LrMzfG8nkUEQ7EkhOy2u5_0z706KoQwwQy7IpbsEP096VwjBju2FRs/s1600/haunting+woman.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="5 Parents Who Are Worse Than You funny mom blog Mommy Cusses" border="0" data-original-height="340" data-original-width="604" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE46QDno-7f9etefQ57kIvE_TnkisZQthEk5AInWeUAnGxU0w9zI6NzMMZTi2jeq_kpGTCnUnd_zOGnHQQMFdMk6LrMzfG8nkUEQ7EkhOy2u5_0z706KoQwwQy7IpbsEP096VwjBju2FRs/s640/haunting+woman.jpg" title="5 Parents Who Are Worse Than You funny mom blog Mommy Cusses" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As a parent, you have <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">one</b>
job. To have your child on a strict but fun daily schedule that nurtures their
interests, has them waking up and going to bed at the appropriate hour some
stranger on the internet decided was appropriate for their age, make nutritious,
organic, sugar-free meals made with locally grown ingredients, brush their
teeth, do age-appropriate chores, entertain them or fill their day with
activities and extracurriculars like sports or robotics so they can learn
teamwork and practical job skills for the future, monitor their screen time,
encourage growth and independence, protect them without hovering, be a strong,
sound role model who is a pillar of good behavior, kindness, and respect at all
times, teach them to be polite but never a pushover, stay on top of their
homework, never yell or lose your cool, discipline them in a well thought out
way as approved by a panel of child psychologists so as not to traumatize them
for life, and put down your phone so you can be present and available for them
whenever they ask you to watch them sprint from one room to the next for the
eleventeenth time. Super easy, right?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If parental guilt and society’s endless list of expectations
of you as a parent has you pouring a bit o’ whiskey in with your morning
coffee, this one’s for you, homie. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Here are five of the worst parents in history to make you
feel a little better about yourself. Here’s the twist: I give you a lowdown of
their dirty deeds, but you won’t know who the culprit is until the end. Oooh,
intrigue.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<a name='more'></a> <br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
1.This parent didn’t like the way his daughter-in-law
dressed one day so he did the only logical thing and beat her. The fucked-up
part? She was pregnant and miscarried as a result of the assault. Daddy Dearest
didn’t stop there, though. Once his son found out about his assholery, he
confronted him about the altercation so this dad hit him in the head with his
pointy walking stick which ended up killing him. Two murders in one day? Most
days I can’t even bring myself to put pants on, let alone kill someone.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
2. This parent had twins but decided to only care for one as
the other slowly starved to death. An extremely negligent mother, she had also
been known to roll over her babies in her sleep and step on them.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
3. This father killed two of his sons after killing their
mother and imprisoned his step-son only to kill him off later as well. As if
these deeds weren’t horrendous enough, he was also responsible for killing
several boys age two and under – many of them just babies.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
4. A serial killer, this dad castrated and killed his own
father. Paranoid that his children would try to kill him, he managed to eat all
but one of his sons, but only because the children’s mother was able to save
him.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
5. After her new boyfriend murdered her husband, this mother
sat idly by as her new beaux mauled her children because they were reminders of
their dead father. Without a shred of remorse, she then went on to have more
babies with her new beaux.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, for the reveal.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
1. Ivan the Terrible</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixO0Peckt0gPkjUU3W1qmj1Xx0S9jMpU5Sz8Tjd5azCzHS1iJtx0a6ZutL7-_F1jLa1EDlsQg3Fkg557NurpmpExKgmr2-SX3v3Xv4QdgQEDiFw7njpn06s9dKkmIym_hQi2TXSeZKUMnk/s1600/Ivan+the+Terrible+World+Atlas.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Ivan the Terrible was a terrible parent Mommy Cusses funny mom blog post" border="0" data-original-height="425" data-original-width="728" height="372" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixO0Peckt0gPkjUU3W1qmj1Xx0S9jMpU5Sz8Tjd5azCzHS1iJtx0a6ZutL7-_F1jLa1EDlsQg3Fkg557NurpmpExKgmr2-SX3v3Xv4QdgQEDiFw7njpn06s9dKkmIym_hQi2TXSeZKUMnk/s640/Ivan+the+Terrible+World+Atlas.jpg" title="Ivan the Terrible was a terrible parent Mommy Cusses funny mom blog post" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You don’t get the adage of “the
Terrible” for learning how to French braid your daughter’s hair. The first Tsar
of Russia, Ivan was described as being prone to episodic outbreaks of mental
instability. Orphaned at seven, he took to torturing small animals and believed
that God gave him special powers.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
2. Pandas</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcf_k8L07em5XcUtJjmof5WEXTokldCy3-aBRCkfKSW9oxVbqo-43iT7BeOKBn4z66vmhBxkFZtLVAmWFwbpjeqbnd-PV-Icz9rYDHTQdCOEaVBl6vukHFRzQGThMQidS8AdVNLLEvCO_n/s1600/panda.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="pandas terrible animal parents worse than you funny mom blog post by Mommy Cusses" border="0" data-original-height="340" data-original-width="510" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcf_k8L07em5XcUtJjmof5WEXTokldCy3-aBRCkfKSW9oxVbqo-43iT7BeOKBn4z66vmhBxkFZtLVAmWFwbpjeqbnd-PV-Icz9rYDHTQdCOEaVBl6vukHFRzQGThMQidS8AdVNLLEvCO_n/s640/panda.jpg" title="lionesses terrible animal parents worse than you funny mom blog post by Mommy Cusses" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What? No, say it’s not true! Ever wonder why
there are so many adorable baby pandas being raised in zoos? It’s because while
pandas are prone to having twins, mother pandas often don’t have enough food
for two, so she’ll favor the stronger sibling. Damn, that’s cold.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
3. King Herod the Great</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgucu6XT4i0h3IKwhR9Lc42B0IzOAmkDhOfFqeFj-7jix7OeJPOyKfj2KyGYqzLdeNfZ0s1zTuc1DzKIFtLRVXRmUpn7ujCQCwEdHHsH7mAAO66A9QyrAWfzC5Pu40hnHf1ZbN5LaexFQcU/s1600/King+Herod+Wikipedia.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="King Herod the Great was a terrible parent Mommy Cusses funny mom blog post" border="0" data-original-height="551" data-original-width="600" height="586" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgucu6XT4i0h3IKwhR9Lc42B0IzOAmkDhOfFqeFj-7jix7OeJPOyKfj2KyGYqzLdeNfZ0s1zTuc1DzKIFtLRVXRmUpn7ujCQCwEdHHsH7mAAO66A9QyrAWfzC5Pu40hnHf1ZbN5LaexFQcU/s640/King+Herod+Wikipedia.jpg" title="King Herod the Great was a terrible parent Mommy Cusses funny mom blog post" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The main thing this biblical figure
was great at was massacring people. I think it’s safe that you’re a pretty
terrible human if you try to find and kill baby Jesus. When the wise men
refused to tell Herod where baby Jesus was, Herod ordered his men to have every
boy two and under slaughtered. After hearing false rumors about one of his
wives, he killed her and later killed their two sons, also after being swayed
by false rumors.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
4. Cronus</div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvFgESMevk_Jt91F4PYTcqcChNMIBt3VYL9tOpe0tvbpiOBtNf0tchNrzNGz4v-hRZ1-87sCAF-VINVCwVfHFrr1sdzpH8vnyUxUe1tzUtu7Wi5osF8JdBlc6elcHYQCpuP00-dgbveFEk/s1600/Cronus+thetimes.co.uk.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Cronus was a terrible parent Mommy Cusses funny mom blog post" border="0" data-original-height="244" data-original-width="434" height="356" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvFgESMevk_Jt91F4PYTcqcChNMIBt3VYL9tOpe0tvbpiOBtNf0tchNrzNGz4v-hRZ1-87sCAF-VINVCwVfHFrr1sdzpH8vnyUxUe1tzUtu7Wi5osF8JdBlc6elcHYQCpuP00-dgbveFEk/s640/Cronus+thetimes.co.uk.jpg" title="Cronus was a terrible parent Mommy Cusses funny mom blog post" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me before coffee</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The greek god of of time and son of Uranus
(teehee), ate his children after learning of a prophecy that they would
overturn him. His son Zeus was saved when Rhea wrapped a stone in baby clothes
with Cronus, dumb as a rock (pun), none the wiser as he ate it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
5. Lionesses</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhP0oI7Fr0s_AL-CaKHGoUddL7Mzsi6Q7hWnAAEBUwmdnPAMiJp5O-fMUbRRiE_HsFOw340nzj3UZSKvIQPemjNNjTpUmDTrY_V2FImzomm4Z21cbCfbKlrS9ADEPzmSt25ZUG1FwkShgip/s1600/lioness.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="lionesses terrible animal parents worse than you funny mom blog post by Mommy Cusses" border="0" data-original-height="340" data-original-width="510" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhP0oI7Fr0s_AL-CaKHGoUddL7Mzsi6Q7hWnAAEBUwmdnPAMiJp5O-fMUbRRiE_HsFOw340nzj3UZSKvIQPemjNNjTpUmDTrY_V2FImzomm4Z21cbCfbKlrS9ADEPzmSt25ZUG1FwkShgip/s640/lioness.jpg" title="lionesses terrible animal parents worse than you funny mom blog post by Mommy Cusses" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Regarded as some of the most protective
mothers, but apparently when the head of the pride is defeated by a new Lion, a
lioness steps aside as their new main squeeze offs all of the young cubs since
they were fathered by someone else.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Suddenly, I don’t feel so bad about serving cereal for
dinner.</div>
Mommy Cusseshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14219465459041083272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3010076838846198135.post-73969132002224008002018-04-10T17:51:00.000-07:002018-04-10T17:51:01.498-07:007 Uncommon Swear Words Applied to Motherhood<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjG14MUE1BsKPDnmzrDt5_oBvPDqXLvZjl7CJWvN4s26TXR5xYvD609ehTXGpHkRPK1RnEpeKrCrk8AdVCuFnpjj7UNYyHnMthEnuA-EXT2CSLavfEv7Dsy2yNkF3j0amb2cJfj7LOPIw8u/s1600/Shitpouch+uncommon+funny+swear+words+curse+words+parenting+motherhood.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Shitpouch uncommon underused funny swear words from around the world applied to motherhood and parenting by Mommy Cusses" border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="800" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjG14MUE1BsKPDnmzrDt5_oBvPDqXLvZjl7CJWvN4s26TXR5xYvD609ehTXGpHkRPK1RnEpeKrCrk8AdVCuFnpjj7UNYyHnMthEnuA-EXT2CSLavfEv7Dsy2yNkF3j0amb2cJfj7LOPIw8u/s640/Shitpouch+uncommon+funny+swear+words+curse+words+parenting+motherhood.png" title="Shitpouch uncommon underused funny swear words from around the world applied to motherhood and parenting by Mommy Cusses" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Mention"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Smart Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hashtag"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Unresolved Mention"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif;">Swearing
is my favorite. There’s just something about a good ol’ curse word that titillates
my dysfunctional soul. The thing about swear words is that they can be used in
a pinch as substitutes for almost any word and you can apply them to mean just
about anything, regardless of their true meaning. They’re also great for
conveying emotions other words just can’t do justice. As a connoisseur of anything
sweary, I take expanding my swearcabulary very seriously. I’ve made it my
mission to discover new and exciting curse words to share with you and apply
them to parenting and motherhood. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif;"> </span>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif;">Here are seven
of my new favorite underused swear words:</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirsjwXphC9SE2MvZqYgm5SyKPqBrY3268zn62aUODTrnVD-jqv_wS1W8feiSh1GU8PvJEA9WRk5ASdGeH1d5C_si3kXODO7LR3hS82FX4yrs01hltA42MxEkt_bJ69wztjcB9QpDmfTvQX/s1600/Bloodclaat+uncommon+funny+swear+words+curse+words+parenting+motherhood.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Bloodclaat uncommon underused funny swear words from around the world applied to motherhood and parenting by Mommy Cusses" border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="800" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirsjwXphC9SE2MvZqYgm5SyKPqBrY3268zn62aUODTrnVD-jqv_wS1W8feiSh1GU8PvJEA9WRk5ASdGeH1d5C_si3kXODO7LR3hS82FX4yrs01hltA42MxEkt_bJ69wztjcB9QpDmfTvQX/s640/Bloodclaat+uncommon+funny+swear+words+curse+words+parenting+motherhood.png" title="Bloodclaat uncommon underused funny swear words from around the world applied to motherhood and parenting by Mommy Cusses" width="640" /></a></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif;">Bloodclaat</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif;">: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Blood cloth. A sanitary napkin</i>. After giving birth, you will be
given bloodclaats the size of California King mattresses. Your bloodclaats will
be the sanitary shrine upon which you carry out your postpartum ritual to mend
your broken vagina which includes spraying of the coveted cooter savior, Dermaplast,
and layering it with witch hazel pads like some sort of gross bloodclaat pizza.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxqK_5zSKVvuzVvlMBR5z5QP5EkH3RwCGsQA69OP25po9TJFbBGOTBY_gNmuCi033WbEOxcXovObcZ_z6o3akdfraK7Y2QutHZPa4s_MAc7_93-blSGkrxYhR9MQ80a8shnn8irl0jRL03/s1600/Bollocks+uncommon+funny+swear+words+curse+words+parenting+motherhood.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Bollocks uncommon underused funny swear words from around the world applied to motherhood and parenting by Mommy Cusses" border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="800" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxqK_5zSKVvuzVvlMBR5z5QP5EkH3RwCGsQA69OP25po9TJFbBGOTBY_gNmuCi033WbEOxcXovObcZ_z6o3akdfraK7Y2QutHZPa4s_MAc7_93-blSGkrxYhR9MQ80a8shnn8irl0jRL03/s640/Bollocks+uncommon+funny+swear+words+curse+words+parenting+motherhood.png" title="Bollocks uncommon underused funny swear words from around the world applied to motherhood and parenting by Mommy Cusses" width="640" /></a></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif;">Bollocks</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif;">: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Testicles.</i> Your child will touch his bollocks and boaby (curse word
for penis) near-constantly. Like they’re tiny Bop-It’s. Pull it, twist it,
flick it, spin it! A dog is not a boy’s best friend, his little baby bollocks
are.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE2CJfVQ4jKQZs0qjmfCoR19kjg4tNWck4k9LMlHmhn9ul-saRZPhGsqgBdPEFsYhhARTfqmIda8DaNLu_wEJofKdHPV5bxEbsJulBf2x_E1Lujqdo2Xfbh9N1Gjt273hKNJjRGsxJ9RU4/s1600/Cockwomble+uncommon+funny+swear+words+curse+words+parenting+motherhood.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Cockwomble uncommon underused funny swear words from around the world applied to motherhood and parenting by Mommy Cusses" border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="800" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE2CJfVQ4jKQZs0qjmfCoR19kjg4tNWck4k9LMlHmhn9ul-saRZPhGsqgBdPEFsYhhARTfqmIda8DaNLu_wEJofKdHPV5bxEbsJulBf2x_E1Lujqdo2Xfbh9N1Gjt273hKNJjRGsxJ9RU4/s640/Cockwomble+uncommon+funny+swear+words+curse+words+parenting+motherhood.png" title="Cockwomble uncommon underused funny swear words from around the world applied to motherhood and parenting by Mommy Cusses" width="640" /></a></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif;">Cockwomble</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif;">: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">A foolish or obnoxious person.</i> You will encounter so many
cockwombles as a mom. Passive-aggressive Linda from the PTA? Cockwomble. Debbie
“Do No Wrong” from the parenting forum? Cockwomble. Pregnancy journal you?
Possibly the cockwombliest off them all.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHt0ZqHAF0fmjUicS1uzJgVKDrsuzQWL877XSU4ioBF2g8BZ1PmTlAp15lyL3_0COMTBB41Byxr7EKtz6ik0Ng-FJPV-HOvvOhiZagU-RRKnlPPFCF1pCuRo7E7hH6VBb3QypWo69ioyPY/s1600/Clunge+uncommon+funny+swear+words+curse+words+parenting+motherhood.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Clunge uncommon underused funny swear words from around the world applied to motherhood and parenting by Mommy Cusses" border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="800" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHt0ZqHAF0fmjUicS1uzJgVKDrsuzQWL877XSU4ioBF2g8BZ1PmTlAp15lyL3_0COMTBB41Byxr7EKtz6ik0Ng-FJPV-HOvvOhiZagU-RRKnlPPFCF1pCuRo7E7hH6VBb3QypWo69ioyPY/s640/Clunge+uncommon+funny+swear+words+curse+words+parenting+motherhood.png" title="Clunge uncommon underused funny swear words from around the world applied to motherhood and parenting by Mommy Cusses" width="640" /></a></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif;">Clunge</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif;">: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Vagina.</i> From the moment your doctor lubes up that dildo-ey transvaginal
ultrasound wand to when you’re delivering, your clunge becomes a freak show exhibit
for all to see. Your clunge is the touch pool at the aquarium for everyone’s
hands and fingers to reach in and feel and make barely amused comments about.
Then when your kids start walking, your clunge becomes a “just my height” cushion
for them to burrow their faces in when they get shy, sad, or angry, usually
while at crowded venues.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUB6iIhjH4FBttwFEpQWcXygmP4wU3vnSg7xFS30sSWhl7BgdMwo72_wiNiHhawDm85-s5cryR1klv1sP4fIlyU0GcAQmaoFq7N0BXm-0urHQdcQAMa8QanK7iRCiAqdoKVapi5jlanNlg/s1600/Shitpouch+uncommon+funny+swear+words+curse+words+parenting+motherhood.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="800" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUB6iIhjH4FBttwFEpQWcXygmP4wU3vnSg7xFS30sSWhl7BgdMwo72_wiNiHhawDm85-s5cryR1klv1sP4fIlyU0GcAQmaoFq7N0BXm-0urHQdcQAMa8QanK7iRCiAqdoKVapi5jlanNlg/s640/Shitpouch+uncommon+funny+swear+words+curse+words+parenting+motherhood.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Shitpouch</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">A worthless person,
but now I’m coining this term to mean a mom's purse. Because I can.</i> A
bottomless abyss carried about by a strap that houses toys, crumbs, and a CVS
receipt long enough to wrap around the Earth. Eight times. A mother and her
family could survive a zombie apocalypse using only the contents of a mother's
giant shitpouch. Used in a sentence: “Cute shitpouch! How many straw wrappers
can you fit in that side-pocket?”</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8YZSJP5Y2A4C4Jlw7PHU9sBEum4MKr4KBUu5uJvydVleWudeUh6H6at8l67SjwG6I4rglf3uumZPwFyIWycpfNI9D6seHa28lcTvFojUAiHDZM_Oo989Kf1aL8tCvCGvAYl0yu4e_Vz3z/s1600/Fanny+flaps+uncommon+funny+swear+words+curse+words+parenting+motherhood.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Fanny Flaps uncommon underused funny swear words from around the world applied to motherhood and parenting by Mommy Cusses" border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="800" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8YZSJP5Y2A4C4Jlw7PHU9sBEum4MKr4KBUu5uJvydVleWudeUh6H6at8l67SjwG6I4rglf3uumZPwFyIWycpfNI9D6seHa28lcTvFojUAiHDZM_Oo989Kf1aL8tCvCGvAYl0yu4e_Vz3z/s640/Fanny+flaps+uncommon+funny+swear+words+curse+words+parenting+motherhood.png" title="Fanny Flaps uncommon underused funny swear words from around the world applied to motherhood and parenting by Mommy Cusses" width="640" /></a></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Fanny
flaps</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Your child's buttcheeks.</i> When air is leaked from the bunghole, the
fanny flaps clap aggressively, making for a most satisfying prrrrrrrt sound. 10
times out of 10, your child will rest their fanny flaps on you while enjoying a
casual fart. But, just in case you weren't 100% sure what that noise was, they
will <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">always</b> remove any and all doubt
by shouting, "I FARTED!" Used in a sentence: "If you don't stop
dunking me in the mouth with your fanny flaps, I'm selling you on eBay to the
highest bidder."</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiq8iWOnrnT5md4t6f8kvCeSq5nn5hiHn69emexXkIgLTBORuqoEHGutxNNC2myxcNkbMbcYi_onTsJ0FimfYlQ-38trCv_WbvnXBH9A6u8puQgmoAvPhwamO6-b98_GSdsGj1EbIXQL4rg/s1600/Gobshite+uncommon+funny+swear+words+curse+words+parenting+motherhood.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Gobshite uncommon underused funny swear words from around the world applied to motherhood and parenting by Mommy Cusses" border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="800" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiq8iWOnrnT5md4t6f8kvCeSq5nn5hiHn69emexXkIgLTBORuqoEHGutxNNC2myxcNkbMbcYi_onTsJ0FimfYlQ-38trCv_WbvnXBH9A6u8puQgmoAvPhwamO6-b98_GSdsGj1EbIXQL4rg/s640/Gobshite+uncommon+funny+swear+words+curse+words+parenting+motherhood.png" title="Gobshite uncommon underused funny swear words from around the world applied to motherhood and parenting by Mommy Cusses" width="640" /></a></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Gobshite</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">A person who talks incessantly</i>.
Children are the gobshiteiest of gobshites. Seriously, they never stop talking.
If you even think about blinking during your kid’s decade-long recap about a
game he watched <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">another kid</b> play on
YouTube, they will start all over again. You will be on your hospital bed welcoming
the sweet embrace of death because your adorable little gobshite won’t stop bumping
their gums.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">If you liked this, you might also like my <a href="http://www.mommycusses.com/2018/02/sweary-mom-hacks.html" target="_blank">Sweary Mom Hacks</a></span></h3>
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Mommy Cusseshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14219465459041083272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3010076838846198135.post-38327511090375767842018-02-21T14:57:00.001-08:002018-02-21T14:58:17.447-08:006 Pocket Horror Stories. Because I Can't Sleep, so Neither Should You<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_YuzwsWCF5r36IAkfFn9fP5eDSRM5pZMte97qL-bVziS4XGGo2Ar_rOZSZAnfdUveQtja7VpvgX9HcN09uCeIC5bX4ZHcw9gtES3C5dCpl7hY5PTT8LxmVDJOrbFNr50dobb257icpaMW/s1600/haunted.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mommy Cusses Pocket Horror Stories short horror stories" border="0" data-original-height="632" data-original-width="960" height="421" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_YuzwsWCF5r36IAkfFn9fP5eDSRM5pZMte97qL-bVziS4XGGo2Ar_rOZSZAnfdUveQtja7VpvgX9HcN09uCeIC5bX4ZHcw9gtES3C5dCpl7hY5PTT8LxmVDJOrbFNr50dobb257icpaMW/s640/haunted.jpg" title="Mommy Cusses Pocket Horror Stories" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
A few years ago, I came across a series of "two-sentence" horror stories like these ones on <a href="https://www.boredpanda.com/short-scary-two-sentence-horror-stories/" target="_blank">Bored Panda</a>, and decided to write some of my own parent-themed "pocket" horror stories. As a severely sleep-deprived mom with nothing to do as I sat outside of my son's bedroom, trying to Jedi mind trick him into going the fuck to sleep, my cup ranneth over with bizarre thoughts. Now that I have another child who won't sleep, I've thought up a couple more. Because misery loves company, and if I can't sleep, then why should you?<br />
<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
1. Laying her son down in bed, she noticed an eerie looking shadow in the corner. Leaving, she glanced back to adore her sleeping babe and noticed the shadow was no longer in the corner, but on top of her child.<br />
<br />
2. Passing the nursery, he heard soft humming from behind the closed door. When he opened the door to look upon his loving wife and baby, the rocking chair stopped swaying abruptly and his newborn began to wriggle and cry atop the seat. Alone.<br />
<br />
3. Squinting, I climbed the stairs in the dark, following my son’s screaming. He sat there at the top of the steps, facing the wall, completely still. “Oh, honey, what’s the matter?” I consoled and rubbed his naked, freezing legs, the reason he must have awoken. Opening his bedroom door, I began to lower him into his bed when something moved inside of the blankets.<br />
<br />
“Mommy?” my son looked up at me from the bed, confused. Each hair on the back of my neck stood up as whatever I was holding curled my hair through its cold fingers.<br />
<br />
4. When I heard the scratching on the baby monitor, I knew my daughter must be awake because she had a habit of scratching the crib rails. Upon entering her room, I was surprised to find her completely asleep. As I began to walk away from her crib, the floorboard creaked and she began to stir so I dropped to the floor where I found what had been making the scratching noises under her crib, smiling sinisterly and staring back at me.<br />
<br />
5. It was the middle of a long night with my infant that I found myself feeding her in the dark living room. Moonlight filtered in weakly through the blinds, enough to illuminate the features of her small face that kept pulling away from my breast to look up and smile, not at me, but at the space behind and next to my head. My eyes crept up to something that moved in the black mirror that was our flat screen tv when it was turned off. Just behind me stood a white figure, reaching its arm out for my daughter.<br />
<br />
6. I watched my baby on the baby monitor intently as he cried, and waited to see if he would calm down and fall back asleep. Just as I was about to get up to soothe him, my Grandma’s arm reached through a space between the crib rails and began to caress his face. The only thing is, my Grandma has been dead for 10 years.
Mommy Cusseshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14219465459041083272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3010076838846198135.post-61470087653514891822018-02-14T10:09:00.003-08:002018-02-14T10:09:31.012-08:008 Funny Valentine's Day Cards for Your Favorite Mom Friend<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCcX_V2sD4RopwZurTj3a2ce19MCOcnB1RvX_Tzt9OFQ4Lv0scDr1Yicmju43yWuxSsJ5Utr4EhawTXAd_tomq0bEhw4igCqLFyckBv61Z9MPxuPfH8_jk_jsAug0yCG0u7qHKXmx6-t7k/s1600/funny+valentine%2527s+day+cards+for+moms+and+mom+friends+by+Mommy+Cusses.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Funny Valentine's Day cards for moms and mom friends by Mommy Cusses" border="0" data-original-height="1102" data-original-width="735" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCcX_V2sD4RopwZurTj3a2ce19MCOcnB1RvX_Tzt9OFQ4Lv0scDr1Yicmju43yWuxSsJ5Utr4EhawTXAd_tomq0bEhw4igCqLFyckBv61Z9MPxuPfH8_jk_jsAug0yCG0u7qHKXmx6-t7k/s640/funny+valentine%2527s+day+cards+for+moms+and+mom+friends+by+Mommy+Cusses.png" title="Funny Valentine's Day cards for moms and mom friends by Mommy Cusses" width="426" /></a></div>
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There's Valentine's Day, Singles Awareness Day, and even Galentines Day which sounds like some kinky orgy where you wear horse masks and flog each other while some creepo stands in the corner banging a cowbell. Moms always get the shaft. That's why I'm coining the day with an equally obnoxious term: Momentine's Day.<br />
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Many of us have been fortunate enough to make a mom friend or two who is equally as dysfunctional as ourselves. Someone who's been through the struggles and doesn't judge you when you go lock yourself in the bathroom and take a breather while your kid throws a tantrum. Someone who's down to come over and talk shit while refereeing the kids from the kitchen while you snack on your kids' leftover nugs. Someone who laughs at the same remarkably inappropriate things as you do.<br />
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Give the special mom friend in your life one of these funny Valentine's Day cards to let her know that not only does she do an impeccable job at cleaning up other people's shit, she <i>is</i> the shit.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKy86kFujTSaIu8YOhnsHJnc6wpZZaq0ERSwL9JzUnRcRK2q3HQgaHi1OxcDX4PFhuPZmwMr5y2IkYEqNwkd_BlFKoWtn0mpuLhrPHVI16fo_Ex_6e2dINxQ-wVFkAYOefmrwO4ZBUkXmN/s1600/Funny+Valentine%2527s+Day+cards+by+Mommy+Cusses.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Funny Valentine's Day cards for moms and mom friends by Mommy Cusses" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="800" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKy86kFujTSaIu8YOhnsHJnc6wpZZaq0ERSwL9JzUnRcRK2q3HQgaHi1OxcDX4PFhuPZmwMr5y2IkYEqNwkd_BlFKoWtn0mpuLhrPHVI16fo_Ex_6e2dINxQ-wVFkAYOefmrwO4ZBUkXmN/s640/Funny+Valentine%2527s+Day+cards+by+Mommy+Cusses.png" title="Funny Valentine's Day cards for moms and mom friends by Mommy Cusses" width="426" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgteJMb91Nib0KztTsTza7EUB9YEARoYo8ZlipaFKZMXHBn4Jp7IfD0Ni-6DCb44TVbdNJiTnCQf1ADOQGauXRnWIR2kub4paHOMecegAUvNakqItnMW7_NFJuj8klZgX1_4aoJJ2m42S9x/s1600/Funny+Valentine%2527s+Day+cards+by+Mommy+Cusses+4.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Funny Valentine's Day cards for moms and mom friends by Mommy Cusses" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="800" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgteJMb91Nib0KztTsTza7EUB9YEARoYo8ZlipaFKZMXHBn4Jp7IfD0Ni-6DCb44TVbdNJiTnCQf1ADOQGauXRnWIR2kub4paHOMecegAUvNakqItnMW7_NFJuj8klZgX1_4aoJJ2m42S9x/s640/Funny+Valentine%2527s+Day+cards+by+Mommy+Cusses+4.png" title="Funny Valentine's Day cards for moms and mom friends by Mommy Cusses" width="426" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikvFmi8RCyo6Jpkq3f4od6ZOdH9dC5Us6dc4tW0OpKJ6slNOuc4-AGehl0u6bl-RqKn3MJtSJ4S7YN6kjK0hyphenhyphenlvxQmgrHCchddxbWRsWyHoIlqsNJjNSK5EnJMTnRa_9TGiwHhyphenhyphen04k1pUn/s1600/Funny+Valentine%2527s+Day+cards+for+moms+by+Mommy+Cusses+1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Funny Valentine's Day cards for moms and mom friends by Mommy Cusses" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="800" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikvFmi8RCyo6Jpkq3f4od6ZOdH9dC5Us6dc4tW0OpKJ6slNOuc4-AGehl0u6bl-RqKn3MJtSJ4S7YN6kjK0hyphenhyphenlvxQmgrHCchddxbWRsWyHoIlqsNJjNSK5EnJMTnRa_9TGiwHhyphenhyphen04k1pUn/s640/Funny+Valentine%2527s+Day+cards+for+moms+by+Mommy+Cusses+1.png" title="Funny Valentine's Day cards for moms and mom friends by Mommy Cusses" width="426" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaYsd-ZEWJ3C5cCrFtISBMCG_jTJwvf8O-jxTAJfc1joLxwjtjLiuEApFLz919XPlwoQJiySzX2UbOdvkTyn2gSqKEo-AygV1IJWbzmDiHUyj_MNLiMvYk8A6uNv-TcClmsGKcX-MvLcZ3/s1600/Funny+Valentine%2527s+Day+cards+by+Mommy+Cusses+1.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Funny Valentine's Day cards for moms and mom friends by Mommy Cusses" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="800" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaYsd-ZEWJ3C5cCrFtISBMCG_jTJwvf8O-jxTAJfc1joLxwjtjLiuEApFLz919XPlwoQJiySzX2UbOdvkTyn2gSqKEo-AygV1IJWbzmDiHUyj_MNLiMvYk8A6uNv-TcClmsGKcX-MvLcZ3/s640/Funny+Valentine%2527s+Day+cards+by+Mommy+Cusses+1.png" title="Funny Valentine's Day cards for moms and mom friends by Mommy Cusses" width="426" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTnGMUriRzQFqcw3sruMgPTHIUTnSfwN-acbqGV24Bps0KSLhj9HzbANC9_9ZVbmXGj_Gp-vDpbrXu19142GM_HBwcmGeTd6F1hyAG68vUqlh7O8eHnCiAn7or2cmj8bR_7N30IMyh3TA8/s1600/Funny+Valentine%2527s+Day+cards+for+friends+by+Mommy+Cusses.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Funny Valentine's Day cards for moms and mom friends by Mommy Cusses" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="800" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTnGMUriRzQFqcw3sruMgPTHIUTnSfwN-acbqGV24Bps0KSLhj9HzbANC9_9ZVbmXGj_Gp-vDpbrXu19142GM_HBwcmGeTd6F1hyAG68vUqlh7O8eHnCiAn7or2cmj8bR_7N30IMyh3TA8/s640/Funny+Valentine%2527s+Day+cards+for+friends+by+Mommy+Cusses.png" title="Funny Valentine's Day cards for moms and mom friends by Mommy Cusses" width="426" /></a></div>
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Happy Momentine's Day, y'all!</div>
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If you liked this post, you might also like:<br />
<a href="http://www.mommycusses.com/2016/04/hilariously-terrible-mothers-day-cards.html" target="_blank">Hilariously Terrible Mother's Day Cards</a>Mommy Cusseshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14219465459041083272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3010076838846198135.post-58799611888434427772018-02-08T13:03:00.002-08:002018-02-08T13:06:48.568-08:00Sweary Mom Hacks<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAX-EBmFs_9OkEHpdns7j_IQ9x8m2ypDuEirbrXaeCXp8GienH_bUEHjHOyZn42ZKhVTzRSOIvnTo9q3-fg2ISHcUSqf2WNAHHT0EnRr7N52WXnpk0D0rcGk-YrZso24a-zwF_K3wo3RQL/s1600/Mommy+Cusses+blog+posts+Sweary+Mom+Hacks+and+Parenting+Tips.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Sweary Mom Hacks and Parenting Tips funny mom blog post by Mommy Cusses" border="0" data-original-height="1102" data-original-width="735" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAX-EBmFs_9OkEHpdns7j_IQ9x8m2ypDuEirbrXaeCXp8GienH_bUEHjHOyZn42ZKhVTzRSOIvnTo9q3-fg2ISHcUSqf2WNAHHT0EnRr7N52WXnpk0D0rcGk-YrZso24a-zwF_K3wo3RQL/s640/Mommy+Cusses+blog+posts+Sweary+Mom+Hacks+and+Parenting+Tips.png" title="Sweary Mom Hacks and Parenting Tips funny mom blog post by Mommy Cusses" width="426" /></a></div>
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Do you enjoy a good mom hack? Introducing Sweary Mom Hacks. Parenting hacks and tips written in the same deliciously sweartastic style as Thug Kitchen recipes.<br />
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One of my favorite pins is this one by the creators of Thug Kitchen:<br />
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<a href="https://www.pinterest.com/mommycusses/damn-thats-funny/" target="_blank"><img alt="Thug Kitchen graphic on Mommy Cusses Damn That's Funny Pinterest Board" border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="296" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-mx4l50VAAHc0sKRMWbb9tIYcPtI3I3LytdsYhmNyZfezuFGRAQinFVQuA-2ujUJlEipdwHM04M9kwe8URUMVnDqL2pHIlVe5u9GuRtURZ72Ml0LNi1c1UCvnnNTEeqxTtXS8GNk0Rok3/s1600/Thug+Kitchen+graphic+Mommy+Cusses+Pinterest.jpg" title="Thug Kitchen graphic on Mommy Cusses Damn That's Funny Pinterest Board" /></a></div>
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As you know, I'm a huge fan of curse words, so naturally Thug Kitchen appealed to me. I also really like reading parenting hacks. That's when a lightbulb turned on in my mom brain, and I'm pleased to present to you, <a href="https://www.pinterest.com/mommycusses/mommy-cusses-memes/" target="_blank">Sweary Mom Hacks</a>. Sweartastic parenting hacks and tips written in the same "Thug Kitchen" style.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCktWCaPliYyFT4KEhJlxviJFjiVSoDC95b7rowRSlICZuuTURz3e2qa3iuNZU-aD0BrYqhb4rRjMgdlAMDRTHHOpUSVTRVEuslUjTVpZGm7z-KTvBErkYwVi0UFusd14DCLkPG-CZ6M_g/s1600/Thug+Mommin%2527+pool+noodles.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mom hacks and tips by Mommy Cusses" border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="800" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCktWCaPliYyFT4KEhJlxviJFjiVSoDC95b7rowRSlICZuuTURz3e2qa3iuNZU-aD0BrYqhb4rRjMgdlAMDRTHHOpUSVTRVEuslUjTVpZGm7z-KTvBErkYwVi0UFusd14DCLkPG-CZ6M_g/s640/Thug+Mommin%2527+pool+noodles.png" title="Mom hacks and tips by Mommy Cusses" width="640" /></a></div>
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<img alt="Mom hacks and tips by Mommy Cusses" border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="800" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwFQQ2yzJMdUchG_KOPVThy-WN_1GdXOf1Kt3gniLGtj6H_x2FdLPn0Snq5Lfxj2dXAQ30jhy60KzpRSAn0LmmvwpX2aSYeCGmJHMj_w9UTSRwxAsCsCeqNZYdBb7njD20PE5Jg02gJ3gh/s640/Thug+Mommin%2527+picky+eater.png" title="Mom hacks and tips by Mommy Cusses" width="640" /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkxk5faTVMzii3htaVGNM8_Ka787n8MWiqt6Wvz4mSOCYoQ5myOLehaJ_g-ko4KOHHGe-1fUPJB2S0KSRxMLReeoD9KAmtu_TlqAz1VNHJhyphenhyphenlZyXQF6YoEpQxwvYTHOwBhCdp_JyjAHrdz/s1600/Thug+Mommin%2527+Lego.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mom hacks and tips by Mommy Cusses" border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="800" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkxk5faTVMzii3htaVGNM8_Ka787n8MWiqt6Wvz4mSOCYoQ5myOLehaJ_g-ko4KOHHGe-1fUPJB2S0KSRxMLReeoD9KAmtu_TlqAz1VNHJhyphenhyphenlZyXQF6YoEpQxwvYTHOwBhCdp_JyjAHrdz/s640/Thug+Mommin%2527+Lego.png" title="Mom hacks and tips by Mommy Cusses" width="640" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKLUfKMaodebyYhzIiiCa2pqSfXgowsSf2z8NZGnQcgwpHBDHcWjP0f6K0mMxRdqNEuq4BYTH2MGPXRJsJXx7_xez1tX-IHiKLMuIYUthmhyphenhyphenEw8QbKkonX-NxvikYaZyPV_8upx5NbyNbN/s1600/Thug+Mommin%2527+subtitles.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mom hacks and tips by Mommy Cusses" border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="800" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKLUfKMaodebyYhzIiiCa2pqSfXgowsSf2z8NZGnQcgwpHBDHcWjP0f6K0mMxRdqNEuq4BYTH2MGPXRJsJXx7_xez1tX-IHiKLMuIYUthmhyphenhyphenEw8QbKkonX-NxvikYaZyPV_8upx5NbyNbN/s640/Thug+Mommin%2527+subtitles.png" title="Mom hacks and tips by Mommy Cusses" width="640" /></a></div>
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If you liked this, you might also like my sweary recipes:<br />
<a href="http://www.mommycusses.com/2015/09/ying-yang-fried-chicken.html" target="_blank">Ying-Yang Fried Chicken</a><br />
<a href="http://www.mommycusses.com/2015/10/vanilla-ice-fried-rice-baby.html" target="_blank">Vanilla Ice Fried Rice</a>Mommy Cusseshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14219465459041083272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3010076838846198135.post-15672161727415175902018-01-12T12:13:00.002-08:002018-01-31T13:22:13.988-08:00Stock Photography Is Bullshit<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixqRei3tqYyImmOqZOMznnI43dz75r-aDxH8TN15XLo7N-2oUIAJFYI9rP_DSRdSb5JQP92mwf26E3Gk4YkNwEpi59CI9s1osnQ31wZmN5xCnGWtS5OgSmTNp9C1mqHrk82xbudLiIJIWI/s1600/Why+stock+photography+is+bullshit+by+Mommy+Cusses.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mommy Cusses roasting stock photography" border="0" data-original-height="1102" data-original-width="735" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixqRei3tqYyImmOqZOMznnI43dz75r-aDxH8TN15XLo7N-2oUIAJFYI9rP_DSRdSb5JQP92mwf26E3Gk4YkNwEpi59CI9s1osnQ31wZmN5xCnGWtS5OgSmTNp9C1mqHrk82xbudLiIJIWI/s640/Why+stock+photography+is+bullshit+by+Mommy+Cusses.png" title="Mommy Cusses roasting stock photography" width="426" /></a></div>
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Contrary to common belief, stock photography was created by
a team of pristine assholes for the sole purpose of making you feel like dick
about yourself. Descendants of this group live on today as trolls in parenting
forums, people who insist on putting toilet paper rolls on the wrong way, citizens
who enjoy blocking entire aisles with their shopping cart, and slow drivers in
the fast lane.<br />
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Because I’ve got my fuck all britches on today, I thought I’d
make myself feel better in a healthy, constructive way – by making fun of this picture.<br />
<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My biggest grievance with this photo are the jeans. There
was a time in my life when I enjoyed wearing jeans, and that was in my BC years.
Before children. Jeans are for when you say to yourself, “You know what? Fuck
it. Let’s fully commit to being a sad adult by stuffing my stomach’s double
chin in a fabric that sound like I’m trapped in a tent whenever my thighs rub
together, which is always.” As a mother, you never know when you’re gonna need
to roundhouse kick some fools or slowly sink into a deep, deep lunge because
your child walks away from you as you’re zipping their jacket up for them and
you are so consumed by rage that you throw somebody’s grandma at the wall. Jeans
are not ideal for such activities. Leggings are part of your mom uniform for a
reason. Embrace it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then there’s the hair and makeup. Unless this is the one
time this week this woman has managed to pull off this epic feat and scheduled
a shoot for photographic evidence that she doesn’t always look like a dumpster
fire, then this is some bullshit of epic proportions. The first year of your child’s
life, you will look, feel, and smell like warm, bubbling sewage.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Awe, those cute little fairy wings that are perfectly intact
and unbent with no holes in them from baby/toddler bullshittery. Completely
clean and free of the blood, sweat, and tears a mother secretes every minute leading
up to the the best moments of her day, when her child is slumbering and
unconscious. I see no dried-up food smatter, snot, drool, feces, playdough,
hopes, or dreams.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Look at the mother’s face and expression. She’s glowing! You
are only capable of glowing when you’re pregnant and your child hasn’t yet exited
your body and begun to break you emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
Where are her eye bags? Where is the acne from living in a constant state of
gross? Where is the defeat in her eyes? Where are the thickets of facial hair that
have emerged now that the threat of tweezers and routine upkeep have subsided?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t know about you, but the idea of wearing a form-fitting
shirt after I’ve pooped out a baby sounds like I’d rather be kicked in my
metaphorical nuts. When talking about body shapes, there’s apple-shaped,
pear-shaped, and then whatever the fuck happens to your midsection after you’ve
given birth. It’s like your skin, bones, and fat cells have been replaced with
silly putty or whatever is inside of lava lamps. Everything just spills
outwards and seems to defy gravity. If I ever want to be falsely accused of shoplifting
a bag of potatoes just for funsies, then, and only then will I put on a
form-fitting shirt.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The only thing in this photo that looks accurate is the
child’s facial expression and hand position, both of which hint at the many
ways she is planning to take over the world such as: property damage,
inflicting violence, verbal abuse, psychological warfare, pants shitting, and
causing others physical trauma.</div>
Mommy Cusseshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14219465459041083272noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3010076838846198135.post-852766066591258532017-12-14T14:18:00.002-08:002018-01-30T10:45:22.149-08:00How to (Not) Make a Gingerbread House<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgk35fqD5U6GtqyQxfx3HIuKEiETmVznJnSm5_bnYzzOXQrsi0EMStRhPF6iBEPLMNzzOd-62Hu2NJnsyksSUzCRwWKjihEo9ZqQy-Y4NIRj_Ib27k4OQwkdG1IS_rsju-MQv-K3vl-Yh-p/s1600/Mommy+Cusses+How+Not+to+Make+a+Gingerbread+House.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mommy Cusses How to (Not) Make a Gingerbread House" border="0" data-original-height="1102" data-original-width="735" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgk35fqD5U6GtqyQxfx3HIuKEiETmVznJnSm5_bnYzzOXQrsi0EMStRhPF6iBEPLMNzzOd-62Hu2NJnsyksSUzCRwWKjihEo9ZqQy-Y4NIRj_Ib27k4OQwkdG1IS_rsju-MQv-K3vl-Yh-p/s640/Mommy+Cusses+How+Not+to+Make+a+Gingerbread+House.png" title="Mommy Cusses How to (Not) Make a Gingerbread House" width="426" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
It was the winter of 2015 that I was introduced to the
extreme shitfest that is a gingerbread house kit. There I was, strolling the
grocery store, having my ears assaulted by Mariah Carey’s “All I want for Christmas
is You,” when I happened upon the supposed
confectionary holiday magic in a box. I thought of my son and how his face
would light up with a big, doofy smile. “Mommy, you’re the best! There is, and
has never been another mother as great and perfect as you!” he would exclaim,
in a British accent, because for some reason my brain decided to give him a
British accent in this daydream. We would make childhood memories that my son
would tell his children about someday. Oh, yeah, I was about to make it rain
all kinds of holiday cheer up in this motherfucker. That was when I gently
placed the nervous breakdown in a box inside of my shopping cart. What an
asshole.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Much like everything else that has to do with parenting, the
gingerbread kit came with some general instructions that wound up being a bunch
of sugar-coated bullshit. But, hindsight is 20/20 (that is $20 I can never get back, and at least 20 WTF’s muttered under my breath).</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What the instructions fail to mention, is that in order to
erect the gingerbread house, you need to be an actual licensed general
contractor. Then again, the instructions fail to mention a lot, so I’ve taken
it upon myself to rewrite them entirely.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<a name='more'></a><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Step 1:</b> Breathe
in the cookie stink of the bakery and, ignoring that tiny voice inside of your
mom brain that is whispering, “What the….what the fuck are you doing? No!” toss
the ridiculously expensive gingerbread kit into your shopping cart. Give your
vag a quick little “good job” spank in the grocery store when no one is looking.
Who’s the most festive mom of all? <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">You are</i></b>.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Step 2:</b> Proudly
declare to your offspring that you are going to partake in bonding and
merriment by erecting a structure made with their favorite food groups: sugar
and bread. Don’t worry, there’s some vegetables in there, too. ‘Cause ginger.
You are straight winning at motherhood today.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Step 3:</b> Empty the
gingerbread house contents onto a table. Smack all the tiny hands away as they
begin grabbing for sugary delights like tiny, starved goblins.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Step 4:</b>
Completely disregard the instructions.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Step 5:</b> Cut open
the wrong icing packet (because you didn’t read the instructions) and commence
playing the most fucked up game of culinary dominos ever.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Step 6:</b> After
losing your shit no less than 5 times already and strangling the icing packet,
take a moment to re-center. You will not be this gingerbread house’s little
bitch.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Step 7:</b> Glue two
walls together and hold them in place to dry while your children beg to eat the
roof pieces and begin sucking icing straight out of the nozzle.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Step 8:</b> Reassure
everyone who is screaming and crying to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">just
let them eat the candy already, they’re bored, they want to go watch YouTube until
their eyes fall out of their heads, why, Mommy? Why?</i> That this will all be
worth it in the end and say some wholesome shit about patience while your own
is slipping away just like this one goddamned ginger wall.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Step 9:</b> After
acquiring your general contractor’s license and using actual mortar to get the
walls to stick, begin working on the roof, which your children have been
gnawing on.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Step 10:</b> As the
roof begins to crumble, empty your entire arsenal of curse words at it in a
last-ditch effort to salvage the house, the day, and your sanity. “You
g*ddamned sh*t motherf*cking c*ck waffle!” Not out loud, of course. Internally,
where you quietly store the rest of your problems until they make the blood
vessel in your forehead burst.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Step 11: </b>By some
dark magic, you’ve managed to put together a janky ass gingerbread house. You
go to frost some stupid windows on the stupid walls. Your children are no
longer involved at this point, they’ve all gone to cozy up to their other
mother, the iPad, or retreated beneath the table the moment you started violently
mumbling to yourself. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The moment the tip of the icing nozzle hits the wall, the
whole thing caves in. Rather than watch it slowly unravel, you “help” it along
by head smashing it into a sad pile of regret. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dywTjOo8l4NfEG386Q0HrH21SwDft3PvahnmDLjRGVRvdAAUB-_xsIdoAJCQRRnsadwSUfR70YT9XV0RfBc2Q' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That’s when you notice the sign that came in the package. A
fun little touch of whimsy where you can add a happy little message after a job
well done. The crowning jewel to your momming badassery. Only you’re not capable
of happy anymore. Your spirit has been broken by gingerfuckery. You look at the
box to find out who made this garb and write the names of everyone involved on
the sign in icing stained with your blood as you make a pact to destroy the
people responsible for this treachery. This is their tombstone. You stick it on
top of the ginger pile, maniacally reciting the names you’ve written down like Arya
Stark.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Step 12:</b> Having
given up, you open one of the pouches and pop a candy in your mouth. You bite
down into what is surely a ball of candy-coated tungsten and break all your
teeth. God hates you, your kids hate you, you’re an unfit mother, and you make
Santa cry at night. Merry Christmas.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Mommy Cusseshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14219465459041083272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3010076838846198135.post-53493434472909406402017-11-03T12:31:00.002-07:002018-01-30T10:17:44.419-08:00WTF Guide To The 2017 Pottery Barn Kids Holiday Catalog<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLr6IXkER9DNJz-8BNPFNhvXU-VW7B1ySM0XHYVd6znBtD9ZFQXcWDQReWwPiSV-U6z7Jj3zVXWycKz3qUqziqzn1HLK9o-pPbR7pfdanemkvqGe-ckYpfxQo1qnD_NuaER0ZmO18xQq4F/s1600/WTF+GUIDE+Pottery+Barn+2017+Mommy+Cusses.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mommy Cusses WTF Guide to the 2017 Pottery Barn Kids Holiday Catalog" border="0" data-original-height="1102" data-original-width="735" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLr6IXkER9DNJz-8BNPFNhvXU-VW7B1ySM0XHYVd6znBtD9ZFQXcWDQReWwPiSV-U6z7Jj3zVXWycKz3qUqziqzn1HLK9o-pPbR7pfdanemkvqGe-ckYpfxQo1qnD_NuaER0ZmO18xQq4F/s640/WTF+GUIDE+Pottery+Barn+2017+Mommy+Cusses.png" title="Mommy Cusses WTF Guide to the 2017 Pottery Barn Kids Holiday Catalog" width="426" /></a></div>
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It’s officially November, which means it’s time for my
annual roast of this year’s <a href="https://www.potterybarnkids.com/pages/pottery-barn-kids-catalog.html?cm_type=gnav" target="_blank">Pottery Barn Kids Holiday catalog</a>. Why? Because
when you use words like “sateen” and “luxe faux fur” and spelle wourds with
extra letteres or unnecessary diacritical <span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">ɱäřķş</span> in descriptions to sound
like a fancy bitch, you’re just asking for it imo. Last year, PBK was all sherpa-lined
obnoxiousness. This year, well, it’s still sherping obnoxious, but they’ve
somehow managed to turn it up a notch, and holy chamois-covered testicles is it
funny.<br />
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I hope you have a change of underwear handy, because I fully
intend on making tears run down your legs. Although, if you don’t, I’m sure PBK
has some $100 plush and lace chonies for people who piss pure excellence.<br />
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">LOVE YOU MOST</b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpD9lSUCxnMu1duYp9ThSJh4SiAFYHycaXAtLYPdHT2jampzDkaizMLjJXbq7EXEPmJI78c__nTjkhL5H8-S68EIrgZHypET3aEsNgLJlt0OJQnB1fZaXYKIumY8LuD3M580E8qBfJs44c/s1600/love+you+most.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Love You Most pillow Mommy Cusses Pottery Barn Kids 2017" border="0" data-original-height="225" data-original-width="272" height="328" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpD9lSUCxnMu1duYp9ThSJh4SiAFYHycaXAtLYPdHT2jampzDkaizMLjJXbq7EXEPmJI78c__nTjkhL5H8-S68EIrgZHypET3aEsNgLJlt0OJQnB1fZaXYKIumY8LuD3M580E8qBfJs44c/s400/love+you+most.PNG" title="Love You Most pillow Mommy Cusses Pottery Barn Kids 2017" width="400" /></a></div>
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Love You Most Decorative Pillow: $29.50</div>
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Want to give the gift of passive-aggressiveness and a broken
spirit to your children? Let your kids know who the favorite is by buying this
pillow for just one of your offspring. Merry Christmas! Except for you, and
you. Christmas is only merry for the kid who doesn’t wake me up at 4 in the
morning. I’m looking at you, Preston Rockwall Huckstable <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">III</span>.</div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">BLANKETS</b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3qaXqb1NjGlZnSX16tMSlw7_l3yTcN9r64mH6bQSulsHzxW036C1jjE2IhIgtQiXQxkRZQEcdnb7vDT1QHmbFAIbw9Wj4usmSoGF-nxWmJp2e_570Ql5tJi3rYdD67kQBpsyr7_ElKbyX/s1600/pom+pom+towels.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Pom baby blanket Mommy Cusses Pottery Barn Kids 2017" border="0" data-original-height="407" data-original-width="548" height="296" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3qaXqb1NjGlZnSX16tMSlw7_l3yTcN9r64mH6bQSulsHzxW036C1jjE2IhIgtQiXQxkRZQEcdnb7vDT1QHmbFAIbw9Wj4usmSoGF-nxWmJp2e_570Ql5tJi3rYdD67kQBpsyr7_ElKbyX/s400/pom+pom+towels.PNG" title="Pom baby blanket Mommy Cusses Pottery Barn Kids 2017" width="400" /></a></div>
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Pom Blankets: $39.50 - $59.50</div>
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Why does my blanket need poms? Is it to stuff up my butt
like a rectal chimney sweep? I don’t understand. Can I put one in my child’s
mouth so they’ll stop coming down the stairs every ten minutes asking for a
bedtime snacky poo and one of mommy’s famous nervous breakdowns? There is no
reason for this. None.</div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">FAUX FUR DECORATIVE
PILLOWS</b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiq4c3bn4Pg9jMD8DpBU2hrrjtmqlUzQ46WBWRMx7DpwOiY8dpbQlHlLvJwCMPoaq6k-4r5-VJwaCeMGqyP3juOhY5K8yTBoOkQxi65ntXedmNusIZXNceWHE-zJl2Y9y_u9ZJCTNJF_jLD/s1600/animal+pillows.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="faux fur decorative pillows Mommy Cusses Pottery Barn Kids 2017" border="0" data-original-height="486" data-original-width="551" height="352" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiq4c3bn4Pg9jMD8DpBU2hrrjtmqlUzQ46WBWRMx7DpwOiY8dpbQlHlLvJwCMPoaq6k-4r5-VJwaCeMGqyP3juOhY5K8yTBoOkQxi65ntXedmNusIZXNceWHE-zJl2Y9y_u9ZJCTNJF_jLD/s400/animal+pillows.PNG" title="faux fur decorative pillows Mommy Cusses Pottery Barn Kids 2017" width="400" /></a></div>
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Faux Fur Decorative Pillows: $49.50</div>
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Where the fuck is PETA? Surprise your child Christmas
morning by slipping a couple of these pillows next to your child’s head in the
middle of the night. The screams you’ll hear in the morning might be delight,
but are probably terror, because wtf is wrong with you?</div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">LOFT BED</b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioYmK8Y03q0rak1A3me8AGYZHUTo54M4I3o7cLYonf7Z50B5xp0EMB0NygSuY03WRsSGGRTM9lxyVnfJ0SROlikk4DtrJYHth_Frl-WxWKO5bqKrzGSYLbhyphenhyphenLdjIGmO6mr_cosuYqUDQhn/s1600/loft+bed.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="499" data-original-width="509" height="391" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioYmK8Y03q0rak1A3me8AGYZHUTo54M4I3o7cLYonf7Z50B5xp0EMB0NygSuY03WRsSGGRTM9lxyVnfJ0SROlikk4DtrJYHth_Frl-WxWKO5bqKrzGSYLbhyphenhyphenLdjIGmO6mr_cosuYqUDQhn/s400/loft+bed.PNG" width="400" /></a></div>
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Tree House Loft Bed: $1599</div>
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Let’s give our kids a $1600 reason to not go to fucking
sleep at night as we stand at the bottom of the stairs, clutching the rail to
ride out our rage while our kids giggle and scream at us for glasses of water.
Sure, our ancestors died weathering the elements and suffering dysentery to
find us a place to call home and erect shelters so we could get <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">out</b> of the cold, but by all means,
spend well over a grand to “bring the outside in.” Like an asshole.</div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">SWAN ROCKER<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnRucSBLSuB_A7SKe1rIsZQk2WuOoyA8dKpWqmcaloFnz1OCTHtIvLKdHVLvNhh-5VZM7IvNcrak8rn_HDDNAKb8-cVVrh3FXr-4TNSi1VdQZAJHJP4y3bsTxMF30oyJvQfQPtgUbakdeB/s1600/swan+rocker.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="486" data-original-width="554" height="350" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnRucSBLSuB_A7SKe1rIsZQk2WuOoyA8dKpWqmcaloFnz1OCTHtIvLKdHVLvNhh-5VZM7IvNcrak8rn_HDDNAKb8-cVVrh3FXr-4TNSi1VdQZAJHJP4y3bsTxMF30oyJvQfQPtgUbakdeB/s400/swan+rocker.PNG" width="400" /></a></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"></span></b>Monique Lhuillier Swan Kid Rocker: $199</div>
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“Stop looking at me, swan.” Scar your child for life by
having them break the neck of a stuffed swan just because you wanted to fill
their room with overpriced whimsy. Never have I ever wanted to straddle a
fucking swan as a child, and trust me, I was game for some wild shit. Not every
animal is equipped to be mounted and heel-kicked in the ribs, Bob. </div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">FEATHER PENDANT<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3FQezmtplVJpFYM0-QEZmYhZT95tBX7D_Bwx_fxcDuHB5-tJ7-AEjNSk1hwjHMnlnymVQfBoVSwW_GURq_SuggFTDuG1_LVbLUuT7xy_L64DaAB-9UPgDQNx4dpe269MAjt2eNcuaOBF_/s1600/feather+pendant.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="333" data-original-width="381" height="348" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3FQezmtplVJpFYM0-QEZmYhZT95tBX7D_Bwx_fxcDuHB5-tJ7-AEjNSk1hwjHMnlnymVQfBoVSwW_GURq_SuggFTDuG1_LVbLUuT7xy_L64DaAB-9UPgDQNx4dpe269MAjt2eNcuaOBF_/s400/feather+pendant.PNG" width="400" /></a></div>
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Feather Pendant: $169</div>
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After your child is finished ripping their swan rocker a new
one, they can add the feathers to this overhead pendulum of death. This pendant
looks like a floating graveyard for bird cadavers. Settle the fuck down, PBK,
settle tf down.</div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">FAUX FUR TREE GARLAND</b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEix2t6LV-_E8sNApRXHOGk_dStyksu2saxt62Ky8Glq1-OZ9Oj5OG8gdvJWLwtFv73nttGS1j4o7ppKUhgbDiPl4FsFB3AHOS4T9Aw1N0au6VpkM3kekYjGIWDEE7iqG4mzYY5OlrTIPY1h/s1600/faux+fur+garland.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="591" data-original-width="671" height="351" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEix2t6LV-_E8sNApRXHOGk_dStyksu2saxt62Ky8Glq1-OZ9Oj5OG8gdvJWLwtFv73nttGS1j4o7ppKUhgbDiPl4FsFB3AHOS4T9Aw1N0au6VpkM3kekYjGIWDEE7iqG4mzYY5OlrTIPY1h/s400/faux+fur+garland.PNG" width="400" /></a></div>
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Monique Lhuillier Faux-Fur Tree Garland: $24</div>
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Have yourself a very faux fur Christmas. If your home doesn’t
look like a sheep shearer’s floor, are you even trying? Why does this thing
look like it wants to enter me through my face holes and feed on my soul? Is
this how Monique Lhuillier takes over the world? In a faux furpocalypse?</div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">BUTTERFLY CHANDELIER</b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjd_vFWkXz9EyQeSc1_LAcrCFc9bXEkBCLythOed6x_nmWlWdSBXRWR5Or-KMswIbogNlz7LgN6Gdv7pAHOiZoNSoLvNszbTaUzj6t_LsjLrlmhRHuUE6ZO4JtaCJALgZQLToI4u3KpuClc/s1600/chandelier.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="537" data-original-width="239" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjd_vFWkXz9EyQeSc1_LAcrCFc9bXEkBCLythOed6x_nmWlWdSBXRWR5Or-KMswIbogNlz7LgN6Gdv7pAHOiZoNSoLvNszbTaUzj6t_LsjLrlmhRHuUE6ZO4JtaCJALgZQLToI4u3KpuClc/s400/chandelier.PNG" width="177" /></a></div>
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Monique Lhuillier Butterfly Chandelier: $499</div>
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Fuck. Right. Off if you think a $500 chandelier for children
is a thing that is necessary. Jesus! When selecting how you’d like to pay for
this, are chests of rubies and emeralds delivered via elephant and camels an option?
When I was little, I was jazzed as shit to have some dumb glow-in-the-dark
stars stuck to my ceiling. Your kids will be fine without this, I promise you.</div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">FAUX FUR ERRTHANG</b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFUM9UZPNWcqKEZVner7T__Io-INgbhAsQTkrpJX0foC0x5UqTSNH3kWmfuY5WnUn0MNlR6YONYLgCjBvyzBJg2HDWnPAy3wKJMkUtgHJ3ML9Xi0mEPR3fpZSyTbx66OZaD8kpFQwZt_3d/s1600/animal+slippers+blankets.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="422" data-original-width="311" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFUM9UZPNWcqKEZVner7T__Io-INgbhAsQTkrpJX0foC0x5UqTSNH3kWmfuY5WnUn0MNlR6YONYLgCjBvyzBJg2HDWnPAy3wKJMkUtgHJ3ML9Xi0mEPR3fpZSyTbx66OZaD8kpFQwZt_3d/s400/animal+slippers+blankets.PNG" width="293" /></a></div>
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Skin all of the woodland creatures. Sleep inside of their
carcasses. Warm your tootsies up by shoving your fucking feet inside of a panda’s
head. Find the last unicorn, kill it, hang it upside down and bleed it to death
so you can take a cute selfie wearing its scalp on your scalp. Do what you
want, you don’t care!</div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">GREENWICH DOLLHOUSE</b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKL3knqXBh7r7WlzJx72zwunA4uZm_zjHALrMsSFoAyfB6LWHnkR_9Z_FZSZl0uSgWDtqyyLBIZ9X_IQ7Pe61rRuyTo44OxJmyxX-S9oQj1khhXrD6Xm-jWcRu8v76cVFF10Nf1g9onWZc/s1600/dollhouse+in+the+snow.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="331" data-original-width="376" height="351" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKL3knqXBh7r7WlzJx72zwunA4uZm_zjHALrMsSFoAyfB6LWHnkR_9Z_FZSZl0uSgWDtqyyLBIZ9X_IQ7Pe61rRuyTo44OxJmyxX-S9oQj1khhXrD6Xm-jWcRu8v76cVFF10Nf1g9onWZc/s400/dollhouse+in+the+snow.PNG" width="400" /></a></div>
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Greenwich Dollhouse: $399</div>
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“Dammit, Kylie, I thought I told you not to play with your $400
dollhouse out in the snow. I swear to God, I’ll only buy you the $200 Westport
dollhouse if you ruin that next time as punishment. Now, go throw $1,000 in the
diamond encrusted fireplace, I feel a slight chill.”</div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">MONIQUE LHUILLIER
TREE SKIRT</b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh31ujdE3Lvs1pv4xyPTbDy1fferIG9n4M0F_2afQ2OlreO-f4lGGeuo_4vWSMnm-ur7Vb9F54r9khYuNMMrZxEo6uU-RB2khqhC37tNaLYFecwjx5mdMtR_32KAcaSbYTrgg9sWWFOBSu_/s1600/tree+skirt.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="491" data-original-width="553" height="355" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh31ujdE3Lvs1pv4xyPTbDy1fferIG9n4M0F_2afQ2OlreO-f4lGGeuo_4vWSMnm-ur7Vb9F54r9khYuNMMrZxEo6uU-RB2khqhC37tNaLYFecwjx5mdMtR_32KAcaSbYTrgg9sWWFOBSu_/s400/tree+skirt.PNG" width="400" /></a></div>
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Monique Lhullier Tree Skirt: $89</div>
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Do you sometimes forget your last name? Do you find yourself
walking into strangers’ homes because you don’t have your name on display
somewhere? Do you have more money than sense because you’re an obnoxious
shitgibbon? Well, $89 and some albino lion mane ought to remedy all of your
problems. Except for being a gaudy asshole, of course.</div>
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Are you ready for the grand finale? Feast your eyes on the
most WTF-iest theme that seems to be trending in this year’s catalog.</div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">FAWN FUR</b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfPpEw9ANz6OFIDr1nNN7EXiC47lDa1ClzE-SwchIhSVy1uSt7V04vixFR2Beup-Ny6vebCo7ETjy2wkirQp4RIgpoNWhnrrZUTouEHJvvaqM0sVPU72UHzBy7OJGSYt-CMjPi9VfDIRyv/s1600/fawn+fur+blanket.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="485" data-original-width="554" height="350" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfPpEw9ANz6OFIDr1nNN7EXiC47lDa1ClzE-SwchIhSVy1uSt7V04vixFR2Beup-Ny6vebCo7ETjy2wkirQp4RIgpoNWhnrrZUTouEHJvvaqM0sVPU72UHzBy7OJGSYt-CMjPi9VfDIRyv/s400/fawn+fur+blanket.PNG" width="400" /></a></div>
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Faux Fur Throws: $99</div>
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Here’s a neat family activity - wrap your child in this fawn
fur blanket on movie night right before the scene where Bambi’s mother is
murdered, then pump an air shotgun while laughing maniacally.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_TIEAW_HJ4VOR4EwRiCgrliU-gencjpvNXx0mjV6XMNbH_8NLipm9A2DeUvIU6eAEe575ubEm9T4Foc3xbw-hWahVdRS_7ggMjfxPPd4llrenIOrRiKhmnt47IFF7KRUgiMpHcw78MD5_/s1600/bambi%2527s+mom.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="497" data-original-width="421" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_TIEAW_HJ4VOR4EwRiCgrliU-gencjpvNXx0mjV6XMNbH_8NLipm9A2DeUvIU6eAEe575ubEm9T4Foc3xbw-hWahVdRS_7ggMjfxPPd4llrenIOrRiKhmnt47IFF7KRUgiMpHcw78MD5_/s400/bambi%2527s+mom.PNG" width="338" /></a> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
Critter Chairs: $129</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Pose your infant on a spread-eagle throne of death.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMbIEY2mNPCx-XMLXlM1_0msGrTyvMo62zw8SNEh9OMgoZqBn0ZSXZmzVM54d7QIAfnvGWRQBMRKQb5N0j51NZbgnX-PnhhxlrloODMSjJA41_04wam2gvv-rB2iEJxex2ypeDNFgWem5m/s1600/bambi%2527s+mom+stocking.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="367" data-original-width="270" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMbIEY2mNPCx-XMLXlM1_0msGrTyvMo62zw8SNEh9OMgoZqBn0ZSXZmzVM54d7QIAfnvGWRQBMRKQb5N0j51NZbgnX-PnhhxlrloODMSjJA41_04wam2gvv-rB2iEJxex2ypeDNFgWem5m/s400/bambi%2527s+mom+stocking.PNG" width="293" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Kill Bambi’s whole
family. Stuff his wife with candy. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMUtHc1IDVTWAOryrsjNi8KEc0oMT_BXggW24w2wPj3t0IYIF1c7_nUm-9qVH8gRTuvrMuQMAePj9wPptMlyB4HXatrDi81i623u4SFhx-xmmFWZsp6WXcnKqQcgqlTXDF4OlqsE4MZUK8/s1600/bambi%2527s+mom+rocker.PNG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="364" data-original-width="405" height="358" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMUtHc1IDVTWAOryrsjNi8KEc0oMT_BXggW24w2wPj3t0IYIF1c7_nUm-9qVH8gRTuvrMuQMAePj9wPptMlyB4HXatrDi81i623u4SFhx-xmmFWZsp6WXcnKqQcgqlTXDF4OlqsE4MZUK8/s400/bambi%2527s+mom+rocker.PNG" width="400" /></a> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
Nursery Faux-Fur Plush Fawn Rocker: $189 </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Mount his sweet ol’ gam-gam on wooden legs
as a rocker so that not even in death can she know peace. You gotdamned
monster.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you liked this, check out last year’s <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.mommycusses.com/2016/12/wtf-guide-to-2016-pottery-barn-kids.html"><span style="font-weight: normal;">WTF Guide To The 2016 Pottery Barn Kids Holiday
Catalog</span></a></b>.</div>
Mommy Cusseshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14219465459041083272noreply@blogger.com40tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3010076838846198135.post-7706325774428194972017-10-20T15:26:00.003-07:002017-10-27T17:51:22.948-07:00A VERY BAD MOM CHRISTMAS<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6yCuITMAomvlBoj21ihuACWh2-mQhogoUqjAUCellPZk57yZlRDhyGebRY9d6s8XJwcGYa9f9iT7IX8Laa6AJqGyt2cJ4_LRRwSdeubzLRdw_GGww3BvppqxSJzX_fVCuRb3hk7MjMPU/s1600/A+Bad+Moms+Christmas+movie+poster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mommy Cusses A Bad Moms Christmas sponsored by Evite post" border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6yCuITMAomvlBoj21ihuACWh2-mQhogoUqjAUCellPZk57yZlRDhyGebRY9d6s8XJwcGYa9f9iT7IX8Laa6AJqGyt2cJ4_LRRwSdeubzLRdw_GGww3BvppqxSJzX_fVCuRb3hk7MjMPU/s640/A+Bad+Moms+Christmas+movie+poster.jpg" title="Mommy Cusses A Bad Moms Christmas sponsored by Evite post" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">This post is sponsored by Evite.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Hold onto your peppermint
schnapps-filled bra flasks, ladies, because A Bad Moms Christmas, the sequel to
the mom’s anthem of movies, Bad Moms, is coming out in December and we need
this. Holy common core, do we need this. So, what does it mean to be a “bad
mom” during the holidays even? These days, it can mean opting to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i> play with Lucifer’s doll, aka an Elf
on the Shelf, in the middle of the night by making it poop Hershey Kisses in
order to delight one’s children. But, if you need other examples of ways you’re
robbing your children of seasonal magic and wonderment, Pinterest has them in
the thousands.</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<!-- start Markerly tracking code -->
<script type="text/javascript" src="https://storage.googleapis.com/markerly-tracker/tracker.min.js#tracker_id=badmomschrist62563&blogger_id=32162"></script>
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</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">In the days leading up to Christmas,
there are always ample opportunities to festively fuck up, and in anticipation
of A Bad Moms Christmas, I started thinking about my own “bad mom” moments, of
which there are plenty.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span></span><br />
<a name='more'></a></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Picture taking</span></b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I don’t set out to be a fire-breathing
asshole whenever I want a decent picture with my kids, it just happens in this
#blessed family. First, you have to wrestle your kids into coordinated outfits
while they cry things like, “But it itches!” and, “The price tag is poking my
butthole. Why can’t you cut it off?” And it’s like, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I love you, but not</i> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">keep a
$100 Ralph Lauren outfit you’ll only wear once</i> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">love you</i>. Then, you try to gather everyone in front of the
Christmas tree but Jimmy is snorting sugar off Sour Patch Kids and Aden is busy
kick-farting. Once you’ve wrangled everyone together, you have the impossible
task of getting everyone to smile in unison for two goddamned seconds. Good
luck with that. You could take one million pictures and one kid is going to
look like a constipated robot while another is busy staring off to the side at
ghosts, probably.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Elf on the Shelf</span></b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">More like Elf on my Last Gotdamn
Nerve. I purchased an Elf on the Shelf a few years ago because I really do try
to make my kids’ childhoods magical. Sure, the thing looks like the stuff of
nightmares, but if it puts a smile on your child’s face, then it’s pretty worth
it to me. Except, creeping around at o’ dark thirty in the morning with a doll
to ruin your home <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">on purpose</b>, or
waking up in a cold sweat because you forgot to move the damn thing gets old,
really quick. Thankfully, my son was still too young to question why our elf
walked out on us after pulling stunts for less than a week. Unthankfully, he
saw the Elf on the Shelf box stuffed in a corner of our garage and had some
questions recently. Oops.</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">That’s a Prime shame</span></b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Amazon Prime is my hero during the
holidays. Well, year-round, really, but the week or so before Christmas, my
front porch looks like a shipping warehouse. Oh, you had your shopping done two
months ago? Cool. Cool, cool, cool.</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">The sight of Amazon packages isn’t
anything new to my son, because drinking and Prime-ing is a thing that
sometimes occasionally happens a lot. What <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">was</i>
a bit of a surprise, was my child stumbling upon a Christmas gift that was
pretty high up on his list. To good ol’ Saint Nick. This prompted some
questions that I awkwardly stumbled my way through.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Well, sweetie, sometimes the elves
get really busy up at the North Pole, so they ask parents to help them out. So,
parents are kind of like Santa’s helpers.” Sure, we’ll stick with that.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">To preserve my son’s belief in Santa,
I decided to use different wrapping paper for the gifts he’d put on his list
and sneak them under the tree the night of Christmas Eve. The problem? I
wrapped those in the Amazon boxes they came in. Oops. Again.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Will the real Santa Claus please stand up,
please stand up?</span></b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">There is such a thing as too much
Christmas. I like to take my kid to different children’s events, and in
December there’s usually something happening every weekend. Which means that
last year my son saw a different Santa Claus every weekend. He took note. I had
to come up with a lie. A white lie. How appropriate for winter. My white lie
was that Santa is so busy preparing that he has to send out higher elves who
act as his assistants to make extra sure he knew what every kid wanted. Thankfully,
this explanation seemed to suffice. Unthankfully, my son wanted to see every
Santa’s assistant we ran into so he could give detailed explanations of the
things he wanted.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Sometimes our kids surprise us. Like
the time my son took the time to ask what <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I</i>
wanted for Christmas. And, while I love and adore my family, sometimes us moms
could use a night off.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">So, here’s what I’ll be putting on my
list to Santa this year:</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Dear Santa,</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">This year, all I want is a night off to do
hoodrat stuff with my mom friends. I want to book a hotel so that I can eat
food I don’t have to cook and do boxed wine stands in a room I don’t have to
clean. I want to take a shower where little people aren’t smushing their faces
against the glass while making comments about my jello-ey ass. I want to put on
my good leggings and get ready with my girls to some good ol’ gangsta rap while
we sip on some mom juice. I want to take my squad to the theater where we can
take bathroom selfies and watch something not animated or made by Pixar. I want
to laugh my ass off and motorboat the pillows of a bed someone else will make
in the morning, all by 10 o’clock pm. Because this girl can’t keep her eyes
open past then anymore, who are we kidding?</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">A “bad moms” night out watching A Bad
Moms Christmas sounds pretty legit to me, but we all know girl time takes a lot
to pull off. Thankfully, Evite makes planning a night out with your girls super
easy. I don’t know about you, but with kids around, phone calls are off the
table unless the receiver wants an ear-full of screaming. Text messages are a
little better but I have a habit of mentally responding and then getting
sidetracked by my never-ending to-do list and the one million demands from tiny
humans. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Help Evite help you by sending your
friends a custom bad ass Bad Moms Evite invitation. Click on the invitation
below to get started.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://www.evite.com/c/a-bad-moms-christmas#utm_source=influencerpost&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=BMXMAS_OCT_2017&utm_content=mommycusses"><img alt="https://www.evite.com/c/a-bad-moms-christmas#utm_source=influencerpost&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=BMXMAS_OCT_2017&utm_content=mommycusses" border="0" data-original-height="210" data-original-width="540" height="248" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCHOYmLP-qHUvR3p2JFrSGazb-GXccTjPMa4DU2pV4y_8FmK5qz7Z6NnPmDgCAUGmJ0k63IElUU0Zke2Iku-qQj9vprU1L_GAijfhEWxS9yiprMdRdVTjxf6sxfavEz1FsM4K63YfKYl0/s640/A+Bad+Moms+Christmas+Evite+invitation.png" title="Mommy Cusses A Bad Moms Christmas movie Evite sponsored post" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Do. It. Now. Because procrastination
is gonna be a real kick in the labes come November 11 when you realize you
never got your shit together and have to sit at home scrolling through all the
pictures of your friends on Facebook who are going to see A Bad Moms Christmas
without you. Shit.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Grab your tickets at </span><a href="http://bit.ly/2zlFOyB" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">badmomstickets.com</span></a><b><span style="color: #333333; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> </span></b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">and let me see you get your bad mom on.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Mommy Cusseshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04917418953506042120noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3010076838846198135.post-66184864081410160712017-08-03T10:48:00.004-07:002017-08-03T11:02:00.727-07:00Mom Life Magazine: Because Other Parenting Magazines Give You Enough To Worry About<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcx_4T-w6TfcNQAPmR9E4lITNWvHPWLCrNWVGaPeohVwy8qEWrNrhVFX6OCwm9nhVS9GhF9ZRDt_v9rg-kuId_BmZSpuFcslUfjRfJxQH35qLBBHQLDH66mqXG4Sy3yEaDOtwCIOQvNSql/s1600/Mom+Life+Magazine1.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mommy Cusses Mom Life Magazine: Because Other Parenting Magazines Give You Enough to Worry About" border="0" data-original-height="821" data-original-width="634" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcx_4T-w6TfcNQAPmR9E4lITNWvHPWLCrNWVGaPeohVwy8qEWrNrhVFX6OCwm9nhVS9GhF9ZRDt_v9rg-kuId_BmZSpuFcslUfjRfJxQH35qLBBHQLDH66mqXG4Sy3yEaDOtwCIOQvNSql/s640/Mom+Life+Magazine1.PNG" title="Mom Life Magazine: Because Other Parenting Magazines Give You Enough to Worry About" width="492" /></a></div>
<iframe allowfullscreen="true" allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" height="566px" src="https://www.yumpu.com/en/embed/view/BeCZT1S76NAd8OmU" width="620px"></iframe>Mommy Cusseshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14219465459041083272noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3010076838846198135.post-33847118789129023142017-07-17T12:22:00.000-07:002018-01-31T13:29:53.795-08:00WTF-MD: The WebMD for Parents (Because our Kids Are Trying to Kill Us)<div dir="ltr">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHgOeJGijoX1gibCBiixS9b_ychPeY5uWDM471zz4yaDdU1T-bhMWOaKZMcr7ssE4fINrGw1czsdgf4DgJwxbzpsIMybHAWhUAb96wS-IYsb3wRdJF9-WdnAZbPT99fXDf7wEYv5Pexc74/s1600/WTF+MD+.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="WTF MD the WEB MD for parents by Mommy Cusses" border="0" data-original-height="1102" data-original-width="735" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHgOeJGijoX1gibCBiixS9b_ychPeY5uWDM471zz4yaDdU1T-bhMWOaKZMcr7ssE4fINrGw1czsdgf4DgJwxbzpsIMybHAWhUAb96wS-IYsb3wRdJF9-WdnAZbPT99fXDf7wEYv5Pexc74/s640/WTF+MD+.png" title="WTF MD the WEB MD for parents by Mommy Cusses" width="426" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
As mothers, part of our job description is to frantically
Google symptoms we or our family members are experiencing in order to come up
with a crazy-as-shit self-diagnosis before calling the doctor. 90% of the time, that
diagnosis is imminent death, and 100% of the time, our doctors are tired of
our bullshit antics (and wish they'd never given us the number to their cell
phone).</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Sometimes in life, we experience a set of symptoms that just
don't seem to fit under any known conditions. It's not that these conditions
don't exist, it's just that they haven't been named yet. At least not
officially. That's why I've taken it upon myself to identify some of
these common yet mysterious ailments that run rampant among parents.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Check off any and all symptoms that apply:<br />
</div>
<div dir="ltr">
</div>
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<br />
Heaviness in one's backside that is only relieved when in the seated position<br />
An odd attraction to the couch or bed<br />
Feeling unmotivated<br />
Chronic sighing<br />
Performs procrastination at least 3 times a day<br />
Heavy shrugging<br />
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<b>You have: The "Meh"sles</b><br />
Check the calendar, because it's likely a Monday. The "Meh"sles are a
common response when one realizes that the house is going to look like a
disaster 10 minutes after cleaning it. Typically, this condition sets in
when one is caffeine deprived. So, all the time.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Misses play dates<br />
General forgetfulness<br />
Snapping fingers while trying to remember the thing. The one thing.<br />
Others express concern for your IQ<br />
Using nicknames instead of real names<br />
Entering a room with no clue WTF you went in there for<br />
Buying groceries you already have, convinced you DON'T have them</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<b>You have: Mom Brain</b></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Pretentious Pinning<br />
Gets upset when significant other isn't Ryan Gosling or Tom Hardy<br />
Likes to embellish events on social media<br />
Becomes irate when checking bank account balance<br />
Difficulty with accepting facts</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<b>You have: Irritable Reality Syndrome</b></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Low threshold for bullshit <br />
Urge to roll your eyes into the back of your skull<br />
Sighing for prolonged periods of time<br />
Cup of care is mysteriously empty<br />
Urge to scream<br />
Feeling like one's "bubble" is being trampled on</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<b><br /></b></div>
<b>
</b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr">
<b>You have the: Can-You-Not's?</b><br />
Can-You-Not's run rampant when one's fucks count reaches zero, and often
accompany <i>that time of the month</i>. Sometimes, the Can-You-Not's can be
the cause of a soul-draining adult succubus who is executing a brutally
uninteresting small-talk attack.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Repeatedly starting the dryer<br />
Letting the dishes "soak" for days<br />
Associates laundry with feelings of depression<br />
Manic chanting of the words: "I don't fucking want to!"</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<b>You have: Chore-A-Phobia</b><br />
Chore-A-Phobia is the result of one's realization that adulthood is
a bunch of complete and utter fuckery. Often, one experiences deep anger and resentment
whilst remembering their adolescent desires to grow up. Those with
Chore-A-Phobia have reported an odd phenomenon where dishes pile up and
dirty clothes seem to just sprout out of the carpet.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Temporary Tourettes<br />
Itchy middle finger on one or both hands that is relieved once raised<br />
Reddened complexion<br />
Sudden feelings of rage<br />
Urge to shake things<br />
Abrupt need to consume alcohol<br />
Symptoms lessen after cursing</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<b>You have: Pink Eye Of The Soul</b><br />
Stop what you're doing right now and look at your surroundings because
there is most-likely an asshole nearby. Assholery extremely contagious.
Even brief contact with an asshole can result in pink-eye of your soul. </div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Feeling like a giant pile of gross<br />
Greasy hair<br />
Partial to loose-fitting clothing<br />
Gets mistaken for a homeless person<br />
Wears hair in an up-do (and not the fancy kind)<br />
Extreme aversion to pants</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<b>You have: Frump Infection</b><br />
Frump Infection is a chronic occurrence experienced by many. Those who
suffer this condition usually do not realize they are infected until a
stranger picks a foreign object out of their hair. "Frumpies" get wrapped up in daily responsibilities, and that's when the infection sets in.
People with Frump Infection have busted Give-A-Damn's, and when the
infection lies dormant, they are unrecognizable.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Obsession with yoga pants<br />
Using wine to self-medicate<br />
Aggressively uses the side-eye<br />
Feeling barely coherent</div>
<div dir="ltr">
Constipated with feelings</div>
<div dir="ltr">
Insatiable craving for chocolate<br />
Crying over sappy commercials<br />
Peeing a little while laughing, jumping, or sneezing<br />
Constant nagging<br />
Frequent exhaustion</div>
<div dir="ltr">
Cries over spilt milk (especially breast milk)</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<b>Diagnosis: Motherhood</b></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Some days it's the best thing you've ever done, some days you're ready to fake your own death, create a new identity, and go live in a van down by the river. At the end of the day, though, you wouldn't trade this mom gig for anything.<b> </b></div>
Mommy Cusseshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14219465459041083272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3010076838846198135.post-32272092462361133262017-07-10T13:17:00.000-07:002018-02-12T10:01:29.771-08:00So, You Want To Start A Blog?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAJxlDe0tVzPXwP043KNHgBJAp7TQ6ut1shzxvXeuP4eMFo-sH5eJOk50xo1mfaUVKe-gAJms6ANEylQXy_6tudhchYVVUj4rUZGaDGJnPybu1kUKbuZqTfsQIe0gPINjMPG2heUez1JJU/s1600/so+you+want+to+start+a+blog+by+Mommy+Cusses.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="how to start a blog by Mommy Cusses" border="0" data-original-height="1102" data-original-width="735" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAJxlDe0tVzPXwP043KNHgBJAp7TQ6ut1shzxvXeuP4eMFo-sH5eJOk50xo1mfaUVKe-gAJms6ANEylQXy_6tudhchYVVUj4rUZGaDGJnPybu1kUKbuZqTfsQIe0gPINjMPG2heUez1JJU/s640/so+you+want+to+start+a+blog+by+Mommy+Cusses.png" title="how to start a blog by Mommy Cusses" width="426" /></a></div>
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of questions about blogging.
I’ve avoided writing about this topic because I feel like doing so gives people
the impression that I’m some kind of expert at this when, in reality, I’m just
an expert at not knowing WTF I’m doing. On my journey as a blogger, I’ve made
lots of mistakes and I’m nowhere near the blogger I aspire to be, but through
those mistakes and crippling self-doubt, I have picked up some tips and tricks
and can tell you what I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">do</i> know.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, you want to start a blog. But first, I have some
questions for you. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Why do you want to
blog</i>? And, I wouldn’t ask if it weren’t important. Most of the time, people
want to blog because they feel the undying urge to share - whether that be
information, a service they offer, or stories about themselves and their lives.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My next question is, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">what
do you want to get out of your blog</i>? Fame? Rubies, emeralds, and riches? If
that’s the case, you may find yourself talking to a therapist over your
newfound insecurities and disappointments. There are definitely ways to make
money from your blog, which I’ll touch on in the future, but if you want my
advice, keep your expectations low and blog because you enjoy it and couldn’t <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">no<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">t</i></b>
write even if you tried.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you’ve got a fun, entertaining personality and people are
often drawn to you, I’d seriously suggest vlogging instead. I am sans balls,
otherwise I’d be vlogging. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Okay, so you’ve reflected on it while on a spiritual journey
in a sweat lodge in Tahiti or something, and decided you’re gonna do this whole
blogging thing. There are some things you need to figure out <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">before</i> you start creating your blog.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">1. WTF are you gonna
talk about, and how much do you have to say on your subject? </b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My very first blog was about being a gamer who was married
to a gamer. At first, I was cranking out material like crazy and joined a group
of women who wrote similar content. This led me to two realizations: 1) I
wasn’t as big of a geeky gamer girl bad ass as I thought I was, and 2) I was
running out of things to say, and quick.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I recommend blogging about something you know a lot about,
are passionate about, and to not back yourself into a corner with a limiting
theme and blog name. Say you name your blog <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The
Coffee Bish</i>, and later, you decide you have a lot more to say about foot
fetishes than coffee. People who visit your blog looking for posts about
coffee, and are instead blasted in the face with a post like “How to Give the
Perfect Foot Job,” are going to be confused and put off. This brings me to my
next point.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">2. What are you going
to call your blog, and how private/anonymous do you want to be?</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Your blog’s name should relate to what your blog is about.
Sounds simple, but I’ve run across a lot of random names or titles. In my
opinion, this hurts you because if someone is searching for blogs about moms
who kayak, and you’ve named yourself <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Beauty
and her Beasts</i> but you blog a ton about kayaking, your blog might be harder
for someone to discover.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You want your name to be simple, catchy, searchable, and
stand apart from the crowd. Super easy, right?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What do I mean by searchable? Back to my kayaking example.
You want your name to be relevant to what a person Googling a blog like yours
would type into their search bar, so think of key words that are synonymous
with your topic.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now that you’ve come up with the perfect name, go to GoDaddy
to see if it’s already registered, see that it is, go scream into a pillow, and
start all over. Welcome to your first hurdle.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">How anonymous do you want to be?</i></b> I know a lot of bloggers/accounts
that choose to be anonymous for a variety of reasons, so they take up a “pen
name.” Sometimes I wish I’d done this. Deciding this now can help while filling
out all the basic info on your blog and social media accounts.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">3. Why would someone
want to visit your blog?</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Do you even care that much if they do? If you just want a
personal outlet you can sometimes share with friends and family, awesome, you
can skip 99% of this post. If you want your blog to turn into something sorta
big eventually, you need to give yourself a little reality check. There are
likely going to be a shit ton of blogs out there already for what you want to
cover. I’m not telling you this to discourage you, I want you to start thinking
about what you can do to set yourself apart.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, you’re gonna do a little research, and it’s going to be
a punch in the vagina, but also your source of inspiration. You need to search
and browse other blogs that are similar to yours. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now that your self-esteem has been Jack the Rippered by
browsing through some crazy aw</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
esome, beautifully designed blogs, give yourself
an encouraging smack on the ass. You can do this. You can be that. Eventually.
All of those blogs you adore? They looked like a complete dumpster fire at
first, unless the people behind them hired a web designer, or paid for a fancy
template right out of the gate. Usually, a blog has been through many, many,
many tweaks and face lifts, and the author has spent many a late night figuring
out how to get their site to look exactly the way they want.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Back to what I was saying…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How are you, or can you be different? Do you have more
information? Better information? Do you have a unique writing style? Use
whatever you can to your advantage.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">4. Start writing!</b></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_kwnwbGr9-kB1Y7wbfxPF6FOt2JkEK3Uu1WkhcdMUnNGAPaLvWl0g3jYwx6EnmK3M1VdBFQZanM__OF_6j2RbcJYg1VSkeuUqgErVO4W7MB-DLXMsLto21QEYasVAEb0NUviEX5dtt9hu/s1600/journaling.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="build content for your blog" border="0" data-original-height="680" data-original-width="1024" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_kwnwbGr9-kB1Y7wbfxPF6FOt2JkEK3Uu1WkhcdMUnNGAPaLvWl0g3jYwx6EnmK3M1VdBFQZanM__OF_6j2RbcJYg1VSkeuUqgErVO4W7MB-DLXMsLto21QEYasVAEb0NUviEX5dtt9hu/s640/journaling.jpg" title="just start writing" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Once you figure out what you want to write about, dive in.
Buy a notebook, download a notepad-like app on your phone for when you get
random ideas at 2 AM or while you’re out and about. Strike while the iron’s
hot. Or something.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What you don’t want to do is start a blog, hype up all your
friends and family, and have a one-sentence post that says, “Welcome to my
blog, guys! More to come!” LAAAAAAAME!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">5. Pace yourself</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Once you have a solid amount of content, like 2-4 <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">interesting</i> posts, decide on how often
you’ll post, and make sure it’s doable. Don’t over-do yourself or you’ll
experience burn-out quick. Most bloggers post 1-2 times a week, some only
monthly. Some *coughlikemecoughcough* embarrassingly sporadically. This is
something I continually struggle with, so don’t feel bad if you hit a road
block.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">6. Figure out what blogging
platform you want to use</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Right now, the top two platforms people use are WordPress
and Blogger, and there are pros and cons to both of them.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
WordPress is the way most professional bloggers and big
sites go. It’s like the Cadillac of blogging platforms, and comes with the
price tag to match.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You can start a blog for free on WordPress, but the free
option is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">extremely</i> limiting. You
pick out one of their free templates, and then you’re pretty much stuck with
what you’ve got. You can make minor customizations, and even switch to other
free templates as often as you want, but have to pay for an upgraded level of
WordPress if you want to mess with HTML, and there’s an 85% chance you’ll need
to at some point.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You also can’t use a custom domain name unless you pay for
an upgraded WP package. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Which totally
blows </b>if you’ve gotten a little ahead of yourself and nabbed one already.
This is why I’ve brought up platforms before going into domain names. With the
free version of WP, you can pick your own blog title, but it will have
“wordpress.com” tagged onto the end which shouts, “I’m an amateur!” to everyone
who sees your URL. Are you an amateur? Yeah, probably, but no one needs to know
that. Again, if your blog is just for you to vent, this doesn’t matter. If
you’re trying to look legit, this sucks all of the bags of dicks.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Blogger is the platform I currently use while envying
friends with their fancy, upgraded WordPress sites. But, I’m extremely pleased
with Blogger and am in no hurry to switch. Also, no one can tell that I’m using
Blogger, because I’ve de-Bloggerfied my blog, and I can show you how I’ve done
that. For all anyone knows, I could have a fancy upgraded WP site. That’s
because Blogger allows you to use a domain you’ve purchased on their platform
without being huge jackasses about it and making you pay more to use something
you’ve already had to spend money on. If you don’t want to buy your own domain
name, or can’t afford to, you can still create a blog on Blogger for free,
it’ll just have “blogspot.com” at the end.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You can also customize your blog to your heart’s content by
looking up tutorials, using the template design tool, etc.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">7. Snag your brand</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You’ll quickly begin to feel like your blog is your baby.
You came up with the perfect name for it, found it a home, put a lot of time
into making that home pretty, and nurtured it with content. You want to let
everyone know that this thing belongs to you.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For a very reasonable amount, you can buy your own domain
name through places like GoDaddy. If it’s available, you have options to pay x
amount for x years.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While you can start a blog for free, the moment you decide
this thing has potential for bigger and better things, I’d swoop up your own
domain name. I’d also snag an e-mail account for your blog, as well as Twitter,
Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and even a YouTube account all with your blog
name, if you can. Even if you don’t think you’ll use them now, it’s nice to
know you’ve claimed them for the future. All of my social media accounts are
Mommy Cusses, except for effing Twitter where it’s mommy_cusses because
mommycusses was taken *shakes fist at whoever the other mommycusses is*</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, don’t be a douche and creep in on someone else’s
territory. If you want to be <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Ramblin’
Mama</i>, and see that one exists already (which, she does, I know because
we’re friends and she’s fabulous) pick another gotdamn name.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">8. Building your
brand</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You’ve followed all the steps and are the proud new owner of
your very own blog. Congratulations! You’re publishing posts, but when you
check out your stats, you cringe to see that no one is reading! Why are you
even blogging? Obviously, everyone hates you and you should just delete your
blog, accounts, and give up.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Making yourself known takes a lot of time and effort unless
you’re famous or something. After I started my blog, I discovered “funny
parent” accounts on Twitter, thought, “I can do that!” and began writing funny,
relatable tweets. I sucked at first, everyone does, but within 6 months, I had
1,000 followers which is a big Twitter milestone. I also met some awesome
fellow “funny parents” who I’m still friends with today. I didn’t set out to
“network”, I despise that word. Friendships happened organically for me, and I
totally lucked out. Having said that, if you don’t meet people naturally, don’t
be afraid to reach out to others. This is coming from an introvert with anxiety
powers. Put yourself out there.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My relationships with others has been a HUGE factor in what
“success” I’ve had. Having friends in the same blogging category helped
immensely when I decided to branch out and grow my other social media accounts,
because I had people I knew would share my content.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My social media following is what brings the most traffic to
my blog, and, personally, the content I’ve created on social media such as my
tweets and memes, have brought me more opportunities than my blog has <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">by far</i>. So, while having a blog is an
excellent tool and outlet to have, there are several accounts with huge
followings that don’t have a blog.<br />
<br />
Social media can be tough to navigate, learn some tips that don't totally suck on my post for <a href="http://www.mommycusses.com/2016/05/how-to-get-more-betterer-at-twitter.html" target="_blank">How to Twitter</a>. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">9. Enjoy the ride!</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Starting a blog, creating social media accounts, and then
watching them grow is an amazing experience that can bring the most awesome
people and opportunities into your life. Enjoy all of this as it happens.
Through my blog and online presence, I’ve made incredible friends, had my
content featured on big time websites, been asked if my content could be
featured on TV shows, been asked if I wanted to appear on a TV show, been
approached by book agents, become a contributor to kick ass websites, and have
had a humor essay published in a New York Times Best Selling Anthology<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">, I Just Want to Pee Alone</i> by Jenn Mann,
called <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">But Did You Die?</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All of this took time, dedication, and a ton of
second-guessing myself, feeling like a damned idiot, and wanting to give up.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now that you know what to do, what are you waiting for?
You’ve got a fucking blog to make!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the future, I’ll be writing more helpful blogging how-to’s,
and adding the links to the end of this post, so be sure to check in from time
to time!</div>
Mommy Cusseshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14219465459041083272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3010076838846198135.post-17957180664794055372017-07-07T11:29:00.001-07:002017-07-07T11:31:22.602-07:00It That Shall Not Be Named<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-IUXNSdD1DdFcR4B2wcHkct1m8lvR0kHPiwfuf5Glk74X5e2-CkZExEjK2pMX-_a3ubFMRO2lV0TpPZfnyZMucNNg5oZg1u-cuNZv8xMJXMJqDvPuy8GcKh5QikmIMY02bD7fvBjJPC_S/s1600/how+to+mom+when+you+have+anxiety+feature+image.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="683" data-original-width="1024" height="425" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-IUXNSdD1DdFcR4B2wcHkct1m8lvR0kHPiwfuf5Glk74X5e2-CkZExEjK2pMX-_a3ubFMRO2lV0TpPZfnyZMucNNg5oZg1u-cuNZv8xMJXMJqDvPuy8GcKh5QikmIMY02bD7fvBjJPC_S/s640/how+to+mom+when+you+have+anxiety+feature+image.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Gather 'round and lean in close,
ladies, because things are about to get weird, intimate, graphic, and super
awkward. I can't help it, it's kinda my thing.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Ladies, what in the shit is wrong
with us? There are new moms out there, happy and basking in their pregnancy
glow and heads full of long, luscious pregnancy hair that have no clue about my
topic today, and it should be our job to warn them, but we fucking don't.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Disclaimer for any menfolk who may
have wandered in. You poor unfortunate souls. I’m about to talk about something
that women don’t have, or get, like periods, morning breath, farting, or
pooping.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Speaking of poor unfortunate souls,
they have a lot in common with my topic. Remember those sad, weird creatures
that cling to the sides of Ursula's dark under lair? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWoHHyEEE5go1d72kNziDiwT9rswqHu7O9KdFIJferouHPnIRJ99twlDwzYPzZQrhYvqwTGJvVvKtf7RcBVBYlcP8YJ3vjsCFd7FBJA4JfBHIbh6-1bK556tstPqR0JHFd1GhyphenhyphenrFsOZtiL/s1600/poor+unfortunate+souls.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="374" data-original-width="677" height="352" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWoHHyEEE5go1d72kNziDiwT9rswqHu7O9KdFIJferouHPnIRJ99twlDwzYPzZQrhYvqwTGJvVvKtf7RcBVBYlcP8YJ3vjsCFd7FBJA4JfBHIbh6-1bK556tstPqR0JHFd1GhyphenhyphenrFsOZtiL/s640/poor+unfortunate+souls.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Well, these also cling to
the sides of your dark lair.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Hemorrhoids!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Hemorrhoids</span></i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">. It that shall not be named. You have them. You do! At some
point during our pregnancy, Oprah paid us an unwanted visit with a bag full of
them, like the Santa Claus of gross: “You get hemorrhoids, you get hemorrhoids,
and YOU get hemorrhoids!”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">They're a thing that is a thing,
that every mom knows is a thing, but pretends to not have and pretends to not
know that each other has, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">because nobody
wants to admit that it’s a thing</b>! It's time to come the fuck on and get over
ourselves. Expecting moms need to be warned.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Hemorrhoids are like some shitty
little pregnancy souvenir you pick out next to a bunch of other crap you don’t
need. Sphincter bubble gum, right next to the mucus plugs and pickled cankles. Little
skin trolls who plunder your butthole and decide to take up residence. The true
butthole pirates. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">According to WebMD, “Hemorrhoids are swollen veins in
the lowest part of your rectum and anus,” and they are something us ladies
often experience during pregnancy because of the added weight and strain on our
nether regions, and also from pushing a Wolverine watermelon out of our vagina during
delivery. They can end there, or they can carry on to be the gift that never
stops giving. An itchy, uncomfortable butthole nubbin. Couldn’t it at least be
helpful when it/they pay us a visit? We could get them fitted for hooks or
prosthetics so they could do laundry, wash dishes, pop pacifiers back into the
mouths of babes, or entertain our children.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The struggle is real, but don’t worry, ladies, there’s
a remedy for hemorrhoids! Also according to WebMD, they can be “gently” pushed
back into place if they don’t retreat on their own. You know, the ol' "boop 'n' tuck". Have fun “gently”
fingering your butt!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">There are also preventative measures you can take to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">possibly</i> avoid hemorrhoids, a list of
shit that makes you sad, like exercise, eat fiber, and drink a ton of water. “Just
be healthy!” the go-to advice healthcare experts doll out when they want to
say, “Yeah, you’re fuckin’ screwed” but can’t. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> </span>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I don’t know how to end this post. I can only hope
that my lack of shame has at least entertained you and made you feel a little
less alone in your butthole misery.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">This is the one time I’m hoping a post of mine doesn’t
go viral. Please don’t make me the hemorrhoid lady. I do not want to be that
kind of champion.</span></div>
Mommy Cusseshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14219465459041083272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3010076838846198135.post-82102353174485449762017-06-28T12:32:00.002-07:002017-06-28T13:16:47.485-07:00Ice + Salt Eroding Brain Experiment<div style="text-align: center;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLhucmLT1DvYawYSLEjHflTerpPfPvjRTue5tGGcN-G91FRDOoWI2pzdvO_ur-WA9BnrmO0QL9x8VNsCCLf83nk8_lFzxdgB-EUzaedxoZ7wA9rXBgFI94csG2I7upH8Ae28wqLlqVu4M7/s1600/Hot+Mess+Mom+Approved+Kidtivity+eroding+brain+ice+and+salt+science+experiment.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mommy Cusses eroding brain salt and ice melting experiment kidtivity" border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="800" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLhucmLT1DvYawYSLEjHflTerpPfPvjRTue5tGGcN-G91FRDOoWI2pzdvO_ur-WA9BnrmO0QL9x8VNsCCLf83nk8_lFzxdgB-EUzaedxoZ7wA9rXBgFI94csG2I7upH8Ae28wqLlqVu4M7/s640/Hot+Mess+Mom+Approved+Kidtivity+eroding+brain+ice+and+salt+science+experiment.png" title="Mommy Cusses eroding brain salt and ice melting experiment kidtivity" width="640" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Listen, guys, I have a confession. I’m a closet Pinterest
Mom. I’m not like a <i>regular</i> Pinterest Mom, I’m a <i>cool</i> Pinterest Mom. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve decided to start sharing some hot-mess-mom-approved kid
activities with you in case you also blur the lines between <i>total shit show of
a parent</i> and <i>sometimes does cool crap with their offspring</i>.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the future, I’ll also be sharing with you all the fun
Pinterest fails I’ve run across so you don’t find yourself screaming into a
pillow on numerous occasions like I have.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For my first hot mess mom kidtivity, I present to you, the
Eroding Brain.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The bright colors were what drew me to this pin in the first
place. I'm basically a bird. I'm attracted to colorful, shiny things. The fact
that it's an easy Science experiment using things you more than likely have
around the house and that it requires very minimal set-up were what sold me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Let's dive into this Ice + Salt Melting Experiment originally
posted by <a href="http://artfulparent.com/2012/07/melting-ice-science-experiment-with-salt-liquid-watercolors.html" target="_blank">The Artful Parent</a>.</div>
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<b><i>Eroding brain?</i></b> You bet your ass. Because I can’t do anything
like a normal person. You can make this as simple or as fancy as you'd like and
I'll show you how.</div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlwqW1ws-M2um5zuxFgvaeiD887z0Lozzz6CmlZj2OR2kNyPqlYmDPQg4Ca78fsF9PbSjn5gOWXBKnkfvZULjRohYuOjHYBs4eH5StvV9zViygR8Rzo63ylsFLmyECCvPXPLFy4EYRekOm/s1600/Can+you+just+show+me+how+to+do+this+shit+already.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="200" data-original-width="400" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlwqW1ws-M2um5zuxFgvaeiD887z0Lozzz6CmlZj2OR2kNyPqlYmDPQg4Ca78fsF9PbSjn5gOWXBKnkfvZULjRohYuOjHYBs4eH5StvV9zViygR8Rzo63ylsFLmyECCvPXPLFy4EYRekOm/s640/Can+you+just+show+me+how+to+do+this+shit+already.png" width="640" /></a><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="pinit-wrapper" style="cursor: pointer; left: 273px; opacity: 0; position: absolute; top: 3099.85px; visibility: visible; z-index: 9999;">
<a href="http://pinterest.com/pin/create/button/?url=http://www.pinmeh.com/2016/10/ice-and-salt-kids-science-experiment.html&media=https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggZYmHpZ7tPBsfBlpCrXsUuutH0R1Mif6coSTejLK5-sJ-etELjsRa3B8cuyJuvIdJWhXAmrGrZ6KryrEajJ6Ab_QOEV6AeR9OEkG4_Jp1tL1EO8sgDHjeUR3WTq-vfltMQYFsuwzk-Tk/s640/ice+brain+with+salt+and+food+coloring.jpg&description=Ice%20+%20Salt%20Melting%20Experiment" style="display: block; outline: none;" target="_blank"><img class="pinimg" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGBnnUjuYJTt-ARXo6DhEjFygyRvHFcWisPDcgloGyym-Y192p91NEYIOBq1-6fEg7dZigxoxnNXh6mBWf_Tpzmw79FksHAGdqmjRDfz7iBU1OjcOpr1piGt6FT8yc0ZuPQulL-c1EPsc/s1600/Pin+This+2.png" style="background: transparent none repeat scroll 0% 0%; border: 0px none; box-shadow: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" title="Pin on Pinterest" /></a></div>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
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Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
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Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
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Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
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</xml><![endif]--><b>How to do this shit:</b><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
1. Decide how fancy you want to get with this. You could use
a mold like I did, you could use some Tupperware, you could hire a professional
ice sculptor to chisel you a swan with a chainsaw. I don't care. Go crazy. All
you need is a giant ass block of ice. So grab your container, fill it up with
water, and stick it in your freezer overnight, while you're at work, whatever
works.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>TIP: If you want to be an over-achiever, you can boil filtered
water before freezing and your ice will come out a lot clearer. Not completely
clear, but clearer. You're welcome.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
2. Once frozen, remove your ice from the mold or container
into a deep container like a casserole dish or larger Tupperware container. You
can run hot water over the outside of the mold to help release the ice from the
container.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
3. Using different cups or containers, mix up your colors
with water and food coloring.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
4. Sprinkle salt all over the ice.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
5. Drop colored water over the ice using your dropper. Try
using different colors in different areas where the salt has created tunnels
inside of the ice.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
6. Repeat steps 4 & 5 as often as you'd like. My son was
at it for quite some time. You could be all educational if you'd like and look up the science behind how and why salt melts ice, but some of us ain't got time for that.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i>Here's how ours turned out </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIlpmH70mytXYAQNtNWJxVo4VgWgWCFrXA6y04t6kXMHlIxwJwvlGsVUBPbDORFe0zymdXx3zzEB5IdYbjbd8oCmMZ8hobDuOvu4_U8WlKdoCEG4iHntyxC5UxmSMQ5r0jEnaxkx5TI5j3/s1600/eroding+brain.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mommy Cusses' kidtivities: Eroding Brain ice and salt melting experiment" border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="430" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIlpmH70mytXYAQNtNWJxVo4VgWgWCFrXA6y04t6kXMHlIxwJwvlGsVUBPbDORFe0zymdXx3zzEB5IdYbjbd8oCmMZ8hobDuOvu4_U8WlKdoCEG4iHntyxC5UxmSMQ5r0jEnaxkx5TI5j3/s640/eroding+brain.jpg" title="Mommy Cusses' kidtivities: Eroding Brain ice and salt melting experiment" width="428" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
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</xml><![endif]-->This kidtivity gets
my special kid’s “stamp of approval” because it actually held my child's
attention for much longer than 5 whole minutes before he ran off to binge on
screens or run around the house doing parkour with brief breaks to touch his
junk.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9bMwFOTqY7UbUKRwCBLQgxsi8ZGl42IDYqL4ndszJQXkBYe1XmIVWy16C-rSvbbnQKQSehsi8xuitiwte9htw5PyYyceAeMrRAsSfI-PuHJHXaYUdqkwgHuJZQSUcHr3ChydfEJa8mwXL/s1600/Kid+approved+stamp.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mommy Cusses hot mess mom approved kidtivity" border="0" data-original-height="315" data-original-width="560" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9bMwFOTqY7UbUKRwCBLQgxsi8ZGl42IDYqL4ndszJQXkBYe1XmIVWy16C-rSvbbnQKQSehsi8xuitiwte9htw5PyYyceAeMrRAsSfI-PuHJHXaYUdqkwgHuJZQSUcHr3ChydfEJa8mwXL/s400/Kid+approved+stamp.png" title="Mommy Cusses kid approved kidtivity" width="400" /></a><br />
It also gets my personal stamp of approval because it was pretty fun to
get in on the action with him. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
So, try this thing out and let me know how you fared in the
comments below!</div>
<br />Mommy Cusseshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14219465459041083272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3010076838846198135.post-78072872122352897752017-06-26T11:47:00.002-07:002018-01-31T18:37:50.670-08:00How To Pee If You're A Boy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisM4E4FjUueG8ih7-SE40fRF20I65NQtfcILIi7nT_gsTl6wwbet_U-EDJSmhEmo618J-QFI_-D1Sh5WXFp-2E-azeYeXP6yOsApOkFTbj46ke03gCbCAsOUjZQAD1321LqmaArp-Tafc6/s1600/how+to+pee+if+you%2527re+a+boy+by+Mommy+Cusses.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="How to pee if you're a boy by Mommy Cusses" border="0" data-original-height="1102" data-original-width="735" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisM4E4FjUueG8ih7-SE40fRF20I65NQtfcILIi7nT_gsTl6wwbet_U-EDJSmhEmo618J-QFI_-D1Sh5WXFp-2E-azeYeXP6yOsApOkFTbj46ke03gCbCAsOUjZQAD1321LqmaArp-Tafc6/s640/how+to+pee+if+you%2527re+a+boy+by+Mommy+Cusses.png" title="How to pee if you're a boy by Mommy Cusses" width="426" /></a></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
If you’re a boy mom, you know that once you start potty
training, your bathrooms will look and smell like a thing of nightmares.
Urine-drenched nightmares. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Cleaning the bathroom is a chore I have listed alongside
things like changing a baboon’s diaper after a recent bout of food poisoning,
and sponge-bathing the skin cheese of a stranger’s fupa.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Going #1 when you’re a little boy can be tricky, so I’ve
slapped together this fun little how-to as a guide. Feel free to add more
disgusting pee acts or modify the steps as you see fit.<br />
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<a name='more'></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
1. Begin by pissing all over the seat. Be liberal. Be thorough. Lift up the toilet seat and pee all over the bottom of it, paying special attention to the little screws at the hinges that hold it in place, and on top of the toilet rim. Don’t be a slacker. Outline the impossible-to-clean crevices of the toilet’s base like a disgusting tinkle goblin.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
2. Because you are an endless source of vibrant, yellow,
biohazard, dehydrated pee (because you never fucking stop doing things long
enough to drink water until I rage-shriek at you to do so), you’ve still got
plenty of urine to expel. Usually at the most inconvenient times and places,
like the pot of an artificial ficus tree in the middle of a funeral service…for
someone we don’t know.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Go ahead and helicopter your tiny baby junk. That’s it. Like
a happy baby elephant. And, like Elsa, “let it go.” All over the bathroom. <br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgshbswH3KX_-_2kRXy6BHNkdIzSbTIWK5ZBrhAWrGK0IUjAUIreW8loX7IuvQ4_Bx974h2CB3O5Bd29iUWlbS9zkJiGU18enaWiTNIjn3FH-GD9Ah-hYnlbj66diioECog4zlgZ6Nt9V7l/s1600/how+to+pee+when+you%2527re+a+boy+.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="720" height="425" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgshbswH3KX_-_2kRXy6BHNkdIzSbTIWK5ZBrhAWrGK0IUjAUIreW8loX7IuvQ4_Bx974h2CB3O5Bd29iUWlbS9zkJiGU18enaWiTNIjn3FH-GD9Ah-hYnlbj66diioECog4zlgZ6Nt9V7l/s640/how+to+pee+when+you%2527re+a+boy+.gif" width="640" /></a>Pretend that you’re a sprinkler - one of those cheap, faulty, old-school ones
that sort of twitches water all over the place - only with your special brand of
liquid gold. If you know you’ll be expecting company later, take it an extra
step further and pee in the grout lines of the tile floor.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
3. Now it’s time to get rid of any excess by shaking it like
a polaroid picture. Be sure to step away from the toilet during this time so
that you leave a trail of pee droplets on the bathroom floor for mommy to step
in later. Hansel and Gretel style. Dribble some on your underwear, pants,
shorts.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you’re a little clean freak and you decide to clean up
your trail of pee, use one of the fancy hand towels. The ones you’re not
supposed to touch because they’re “just for looks.” You know the ones. BECAUSE
I TELL YOU NOT TO TOUCH THEM ALL THE FREAKING TIME.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
4. Before you leave the bathroom, you need to ensure that
the pee you’ve gotten on your hands dries into a thin, slightly tacky film.
Stall a little bit. Make faces in the mirror, paint the mirror with your
tongue, finger paint the mirror by spreading the saliva that is now on there
with your pee-dampened hands, use mommy’s toothbrush like a screwdriver and
pretend to loosen the urine-soaked screws on the toilet lid, touch every surface
possible with your gross hands after you’ve messed with your junk no less than
one million times. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
5. Now that the pee film on your hands has been baked to
perfection, exit the bathroom. No need to flush the toilet, that’s a fun little
gift you like to leave for mommy to find later. She loves it. Gasps in
amazement each and every time and screams your name excitedly. Now, go up to
your mother and affectionately grab her by the face with both of your hands now
that they’ve been given a nice coat of urine. Play that game where you mess
with her lips while she makes noise. Brrrrbrrrrbrrr. Pretend to be a dentist
and use your fingers to give mom an exam.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Mommy Cusseshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14219465459041083272noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3010076838846198135.post-79517055860286733182017-04-14T11:25:00.001-07:002017-06-25T22:34:29.908-07:00Party Favors That Parents Secretly F*cking Hate<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFc_7pTuNNi9pXprm8Oo-UXmnviSeAcphWzPCqiG-OHWnOYsFb-9wUfttx1Du-yeRsdJ0X4jIXCXS0F1lcKB6Ge9Yy43V6jAtUngWxRMeBqAJmtik-haPQPviPbUmggjRzbvp9lkyP7U40/s1600/facepalm.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="party favors all parents hate" border="0" height="414" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFc_7pTuNNi9pXprm8Oo-UXmnviSeAcphWzPCqiG-OHWnOYsFb-9wUfttx1Du-yeRsdJ0X4jIXCXS0F1lcKB6Ge9Yy43V6jAtUngWxRMeBqAJmtik-haPQPviPbUmggjRzbvp9lkyP7U40/s640/facepalm.jpg" title="party favors all parents hate" width="640" /></a></div>
All parents have had to deal with the aftermath of shitty party favors from well-meaning parents.<br />
<br />
If you're the owner of a tiny human, then you have undoubtedly come into contact with a plethora of party favors. Most of the time, these favors are pretty damned cool and you can even wait a month or two before throwing them away. But sometimes, your child comes home with an assortment of nopes by a parent you're certain must secretly hate you.<br />
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Allow me to detail each item in the Pandora's box of kid's party favor fuckery.<br />
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<a name='more'></a><b>1. Stickers</b><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAQEg74oZwQdQ9iJKbta21UX8y_w7yxNCLkBBynzpvc7PmJlw3Np_N-NcLEF1simyD9bBEPJdVR3Ya88897HITVqS59PtGs0RcP50yastfCan5Hz3r24lOtP3Jw1ydPTanp2BBgShILOyf/s1600/stickers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="party favors parents secretly hate stickers" border="0" height="317" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAQEg74oZwQdQ9iJKbta21UX8y_w7yxNCLkBBynzpvc7PmJlw3Np_N-NcLEF1simyD9bBEPJdVR3Ya88897HITVqS59PtGs0RcP50yastfCan5Hz3r24lOtP3Jw1ydPTanp2BBgShILOyf/s400/stickers.jpg" title="party favors parents secretly hate stickers" width="400" /></a></div>
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Or, as I like to call them, the herpes of kid's party favors. Because the shit spreads everywhere. Children are incapable of using one sticker at a time, they must peel off all of the stickers and decorate the entire house with them.<br />
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Then you end up getting suckered into wearing at least a dozen stickers and have to galavant around in forced pride over these monstrosities. Like a he-hawing jackass. You'll try to play them off light-heartedly to other adults as they react to your explanation as to why you're wearing them as if you've just told them you're terminally ill.<br />
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<b>2. Slap hands</b><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQm8r19l7AgC0OLPNKWLCMKhZWeWyt-7jsuK4rQjAMZ26vDWTensEom8MQ_iB78yHNy98gWDtveHjadmBy_M2pD_1L6Oz-xODStXUvjmN3Y4VdFgjYcvOE4Qp-OJ1nAWPXNgSU_DNXxTqU/s1600/slap+hands.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="kids party favors that parents secretly hate slappy hands" border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQm8r19l7AgC0OLPNKWLCMKhZWeWyt-7jsuK4rQjAMZ26vDWTensEom8MQ_iB78yHNy98gWDtveHjadmBy_M2pD_1L6Oz-xODStXUvjmN3Y4VdFgjYcvOE4Qp-OJ1nAWPXNgSU_DNXxTqU/s400/slap+hands.JPG" title="kids party favors that parents secretly hate slappy hands" width="400" /></a></div>
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One of my favorite hobbies is getting bitch slapped by sticky slap hands from the back seat by my child whilst trying to drive home from a kid's party where this assault weapon was issued and not get into a car wreck. Slap hands are fun for the one wielding it, and total hell for <i>everyone else</i>. My cat hasn't come out from under the couch since The Great Slappy Hand Incident of post-Grayson's party in 2015. Thanks a lot, Susan.<br />
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<b>3. Silly putty</b><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2zg2kCj56P8jVRGzMwNnPHcIjRs1tke5gYBVvPAg9j-1299Yw8OmRxyLXj6BNJhqlWOzem01QoMCJFfrYrcxALbm_jMzp0riccN4LhbP3_UYZ_uvBWXDfnjZY2RsCioovnFMhc6e9baTk/s1600/silly+putty.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="kids party favors that parents secretly hate silly putty" border="0" height="182" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2zg2kCj56P8jVRGzMwNnPHcIjRs1tke5gYBVvPAg9j-1299Yw8OmRxyLXj6BNJhqlWOzem01QoMCJFfrYrcxALbm_jMzp0riccN4LhbP3_UYZ_uvBWXDfnjZY2RsCioovnFMhc6e9baTk/s400/silly+putty.jpg" title="kids party favors that parents secretly hate silly putty" width="400" /></a></div>
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No one knows the horror of finding an empty silly putty egg like parents. It's thanks to this delightful bullshit that I have pock marks in my carpet from having to surgically remove Satan's semen aka silly putty.<br />
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<b>4. Kazoos</b><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3JnPqok1p_Rd16owOOlXQJo25P0kDGfHvxDjCWtjmwi4mBXMeGn4psCpbxTMgk_ppBnd66_E1OrcqHxHrqGzNROw8KG7CCL5bq-yhKusEZ0grVA3XouSZH6vEbTyde_C-Q2Otcrrj380h/s1600/kid+playing+kazoo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="kids party favors that parents secretly hate kazoos" border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3JnPqok1p_Rd16owOOlXQJo25P0kDGfHvxDjCWtjmwi4mBXMeGn4psCpbxTMgk_ppBnd66_E1OrcqHxHrqGzNROw8KG7CCL5bq-yhKusEZ0grVA3XouSZH6vEbTyde_C-Q2Otcrrj380h/s400/kid+playing+kazoo.jpg" title="kids party favors that parents secretly hate kazoos" width="400" /></a></div>
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It rhymes with "fuck you" for a reason, because that's exactly what this is, a fuck you in the form of cheap, colorful, plastic that sounds like if Fran Drescher queefed out a pissed off platypus. If you supply my child with a kazoo, at least have the decency to accompany it with an ice pick so I can stab my eardrums.<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>5. Silly string</b><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhftRumNLkyK9yVzIS21c74bjuMWR7F1vaCeYK0PVBcc04lpKIv9kMVZhRe3DCUliQFrDlcIiS2d4qaFDyGCC7Qwed9a4ZEd6RmZd8DOKpiK73_leQL0R1KdZgVCQPJc1poesrzn_eUkL6j/s1600/silly+string.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="kids party favors that parents secretly hate silly string" border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhftRumNLkyK9yVzIS21c74bjuMWR7F1vaCeYK0PVBcc04lpKIv9kMVZhRe3DCUliQFrDlcIiS2d4qaFDyGCC7Qwed9a4ZEd6RmZd8DOKpiK73_leQL0R1KdZgVCQPJc1poesrzn_eUkL6j/s400/silly+string.jpg" title="kids party favors that parents secretly hate silly string" width="400" /></a></div>
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Why don't you just come take a violent diarrhea shit all over my house? Because same. Let's call silly string what it really is, a can of instant regret. If you curse my household with silly string, absolutely go fuck yourself.<br />
<br />
And now is when I tell you that after that hilarious tirade, I have given out almost every single item on this list. Because I'm a walking, talking contradiction. Party favors are a very kind gesture that no one is required to purchase and give out. However, if you do hand the aforementioned items, know that everyone kinda hates you a little.Mommy Cusseshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14219465459041083272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3010076838846198135.post-38913993311081054622017-04-07T12:13:00.001-07:002017-04-07T12:40:51.033-07:00The Mom Diet & Exercise Plan<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh995ZhMpb1Er0PapWyFz_AdGRRUBX6It32Eq-gxbIXRYUB3igI-pKMp_S_ezAw4zDwiVVJr959U9kwMHobE2c4I3H8r0nT3rB23W7URStgw4Bp4T_0peDYnCIIKt_0l1Kee-Y9gLZQEwUs/s1600/woman+drinking.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Parent Humor Mom Diet and Exercise Plan" border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh995ZhMpb1Er0PapWyFz_AdGRRUBX6It32Eq-gxbIXRYUB3igI-pKMp_S_ezAw4zDwiVVJr959U9kwMHobE2c4I3H8r0nT3rB23W7URStgw4Bp4T_0peDYnCIIKt_0l1Kee-Y9gLZQEwUs/s640/woman+drinking.jpeg" title="Mommy Cusses' The Mom Diet and Exercise Plan" width="640" /></a></div>
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While it may not seem like it, the highly coveted “mom bod”
can only be attained through a very strict diet and exercise regimen. Until
now, this popular diet has been known only to mothers. After all, not everyone
can handle the attention our dark under-eye circles and stretch marks draw in
public. Being fabulous is so tiring.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s time to share the secrets of our diet plan,
appropriately titled the “Mom Diet”.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Breakfast Smoothie</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
If not for
the food that suddenly appears on her family’s breakfast plates and lunchboxes,
you might not even know a mom is there because we become a whirlwind of getting
shit done for everyone else in the mornings. Because of this, there’s no time
to sit down like a proper human being. You’ll have to get your nutrients in
slop form. </div>
<br />
<b>* 2 Cups of tears from your firstborn<br />* 1 Cup of cold coffee<span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"></span></span></span>* 1 Tablespoon of scalp oil (this should be easy
to harvest since you haven’t showered in two days)<br />
* 1 Tablespoon of dried up food-stuffs scraped off
of your leggings<span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"><b>* </b></span></span></span>½ Cup of any breakfast leftovers you can forage</b>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Add
ingredients to a blender and scream inside to mix.</div>
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Give the
blender your iciest mom glare to chill.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Dump your
smoothie onto the counter and slurp it off, because one of your damn kids is
just gonna knock it over, anyway.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Snack</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Couch-mix.
Similar to trail-mix, this popular mom snack consists of any and all food remnants that live under and in-between one’s couch cushions. If you’re in the
car and on-the-go, you can find another blend by checking the crevices of your
child’s car seat, the floor, and the pockets on the back of the driver’s and
passenger’s seats if you have them.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Lunch</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Slobber
marinated chicken with a Playdoh crumb-coat</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Side of
twice-chewed mac ‘n’ cheese</div>
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A glass of
ice water, topped with a child’s protein-rich backwash pulp</div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Snack</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Your kid’s
orange and yellow candy rejects</div>
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A medley of
goldfish crackers that have been deemed “deformed”</div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Dinner</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Wine, taken
in a locked bathroom while you gather yourself and prepare for bedtime
routines. While in there, I find it enjoyable to float around my own DIY
sensory deprivation tank. All you have to do is shut off the lights and rage-cry
inside of your bathtub.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
It’s
important to exercise daily, and since hitting the gym isn’t always feasible for
parents, there are several workouts you can do at home. I find it nearly
impossible to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i> complete the
following workouts:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"></span><b>* Weighted walking via a child curling their body
around your shins like maniacal koalas<span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"></span></span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"></span></span></span>* Carrying a ball of rage, aka your offspring, to
and from their designated time-out area whenever they crawl away from it</b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"></span></span></span>* Staircase climb for various bedtime requests</b>
<b><span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"></span></span></span> </b><br />
<b>* Emotional tug-o-war</b>
<b><span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"></span><span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"></span></span> </b><br />
<b>* Rocking back and forth in a locked closet</b><br />
<b>* Reverse training while you attempt to strap your
chupacabre/child hybrid into their car seat</b>
<b><span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"></span></span>* Walking from room to room while trying to
remember wtf you went in there for</b><br />
<br />
<br />Mommy Cusseshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14219465459041083272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3010076838846198135.post-47293224776443186992017-03-31T14:15:00.000-07:002017-03-31T14:15:52.358-07:00How To (Not) Get Your Child In A Car Seat<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiR5VGSrZL3RimOGBFFSjDZ-X-H4ZThnWcSuuAtOd55xgHpsS4aqTMnZ9M7c6HJpspH_pQOlJfHaQHM5-rGrcS8Fb4WOgEyP7PcnzmCYcW75RplfnUe3jH7UVdTImx_mCSPkM3QevTzb2Ug/s1600/kid+in+car+seat.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiR5VGSrZL3RimOGBFFSjDZ-X-H4ZThnWcSuuAtOd55xgHpsS4aqTMnZ9M7c6HJpspH_pQOlJfHaQHM5-rGrcS8Fb4WOgEyP7PcnzmCYcW75RplfnUe3jH7UVdTImx_mCSPkM3QevTzb2Ug/s400/kid+in+car+seat.jpeg" width="265" /></a> </div>
There are few tasks that yield as much resistance and mind-fuckery from your child than getting them into their car seat.<br />
<br />
It all sounds so simple: pick up your kid, set them down in their car seat, adjust and secure the car seat straps, and drive off into the sunset. Unfortunately, babies are born into this world with car seat repellent limbs.<br />
<br />
Straight from the shitty parent's instruction manual, here's how to (not) get your kid into a car seat.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
<b>1. Take them to the car</b><br />
Getting kids to go, or do, anything when you want them to is a rare and laughable feat. You can deploy every parenting tactic you have, aside from selling them into child slavery. Children do not give a decimal of a shit. Prepare for screaming, wiggling, thrashing, did I mention screaming?<br />
<b> </b><br />
<b>2. Pick up your spawn</b><br />
The moment the thought "car seat" enters your mind, your child will
sense it like a predator smelling fear, and they will enter
sack-of-potatoes mode. This is where they decide to lose all control of
their body, resulting in a sort of full-body emergency break via dead
weight.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/MommyCusses/photos/a.1497417653915202.1073741828.1497162623940705/1598227650500868/?type=3&theater" target="_blank"><img alt="Mommy Cusses funny parent Facebook memes" border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-2vWbzAa5hTZxMSIPNuD0_rmqCURx6LLLED4Y04SLb2yECAjxmPwLogEyg9kKDkLFAK1ib7Z-1Li5tnmyhEAg7Jq9Mh68eNANEqL_WcrWcyUDThNdSNrRH8KAORdU57BvzDIUujjqAIp9/s400/car+seat+sack+of+potatoes+Mommy+Cusses.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<b>3. Place your child in their car seat</b><br />
This is what I would imagine trying to boil a live octopus in a one-quart saucepan would be like. Limbs will be flailing and grabbing onto things for dear life, and your kid will be slippery from all of the crying. You will lean in close and whisper threats, only to turn around and realize the entire neighborhood or parking lot is staring at you. <i>Oh, because you're all so fucking <b>PERFECT</b>, right?</i><br />
<br />
<b>4. Adjust and secure all of the straps</b><br />
Good fucking luck, that's all I have to say. By now, your offspring will be utilizing every move in their "fuck you" arsenal to stop or delay what is happening. To cooperate would mean to give up what little control they have in their lives, and they will <i>not</i> go gentle into that good night. The moment you get one limb secured and move on to the next, they've slipped out of their restraints. Like whack-a-mole, but 10x more infuriating.<br />
<br />
<b>5. Give up</b><br />
Cancel your plans, because life is not happening today. Contemplate strangling yourself with a seat-belt, but end up raising your white flag, or in this case, a Kleenex, curl up into the fetal position and ugly cry right here in your driveway to Carrie Underwood, because <i>Jesus take the wheel</i>. Neighbors be damned. After you finish putting the diaper bag back in the house and are headed back for the possessed, discover that your child is now fast asleep.<br />
<br />
Happy Momming!<br />
<br />
<br />Mommy Cusseshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14219465459041083272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3010076838846198135.post-40208844224503804732017-01-18T09:41:00.001-08:002017-03-09T18:30:11.030-08:00How To Co-Sleep In 2,457 Easy Steps<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-sVPSNjMtyqPKfaC4fvKreWlhmGm30gh4WYTucy7W_UGFVkf2RX_gl-9lagxKja5c4EA3VPDCEZvs9s6rwtp6jmApN42aRCConUOxxKtvP62DOJ5pWtULQmS3GaUAO6uJfHhnjStaONz3/s1600/cosleep.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="How to co-sleep funny mom blog" border="0" height="392" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-sVPSNjMtyqPKfaC4fvKreWlhmGm30gh4WYTucy7W_UGFVkf2RX_gl-9lagxKja5c4EA3VPDCEZvs9s6rwtp6jmApN42aRCConUOxxKtvP62DOJ5pWtULQmS3GaUAO6uJfHhnjStaONz3/s640/cosleep.jpg" title="How to co-sleep in a thousand and one steps" width="640" /></a></div>
The term co-sleeping is deceiving af. First, there’s the “co,” meaning jointly or mutually. <b>What a crock of shit</b>.
There’s nothing jointly going on besides your kid’s jagged toenails
taking turns slipping down your butt crack. Then there’s “sleeping.” Um,
if by sleeping you mean 2-7 hours of internal screaming to an agonizing
soundtrack of baby farts and your spouse’s snoring, then sure, some
sleeping happens.<br />
<br />
Whether you planned on co-sleeping or gave up the good fight just to
gain another goddamn hour of shut-eye, there are some unspoken
guidelines on how to do this thing properly.<br />
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Here’s how to co-sleep in 2,457 easy steps:<br />
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<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
<h3>
1. Visit the Grand Canyon</h3>
Listen, co-sleeping means you’ll get about a 3-inch mattress
allowance at the very edge of your bed whether it’s a Twin or a
California King. You’re going to need some practice. Drive up to the
Grand Canyon and spoon the edge of a sketchy looking cliff for a night
while the burro you rented donkey kicks you in the back.<br />
<br />
<h3>
2. Scream into your pillow</h3>
You might not feel like you have to, but trust me, you will. Better
now than at 3 AM when you’re re-enacting the “never let go” scene from <i>Titanic</i> with your sanity.<br />
<br />
<h3>
3. Play blanket tug-of-war with a boa constrictor</h3>
Or a tornado, or a tornado made of boa constrictors. 80% of
co-sleeping is struggling to keep a measly corner of your comforter to
yourself while your child and/or spouse curls into themselves, taking
the entire blanket with them into their spiral of selfishness. You will
use said blanket corner wisely: 5 minutes covering one nipple, then your
shoulder, your ass cheek, etc. You’ll fantasize about something
horrific happening to you because at least then the first responders
will give you one of those aluminum foil blanket things.<br />
<br />
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</div>
<h3>
4. Get resourceful</h3>
Eventually, you will lose blanket tug-of-war and opt to peel the
fitted sheet off the mattress and use that. Like the dirty bum that you
are. <i>Thanks a lot, fuckers</i>.<br />
<br />
<h3>
5. Seventh Sense</h3>
You gain a sort of seventh sense when you co-sleep that lets you know
when your child is in an awkward position, or jolts you awake the
moment your spouse even <b>thinks</b> about moving. You then
throw your arm across your kid and hold it there like a pitiful meat
twig barricade. If your spouse gets too close, you whack ’em. Oh, and it
feels glorious. That soundly sleeping asshole deserves it anyway.<br />
<br />
<h3>
6. Flood relief</h3>
There’s no way around it. At some point, you will wake up in a warm
pool of someone else’s piss. But it’s okay, you probably got 30 minutes
of sleep, so you’re golden. Like a pit crew for bedtime accidents, you
change your still-slumbering child into dry, clean clothes, then lay
down a couple of layers of towels which will be just damp and scratchy
enough to ensure you don’t sleep for the rest of the night.<br />
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<h3>
7. Poltergeist</h3>
Your kid is going to say some weird shit in their sleep and probably
wake up in a sweaty panic because they dreamt about cutting your stomach
with their dinosaur toy. After writing to the Vatican because you’re
pretty sure your child was speaking in tongues, you’ll console them like
a pro, answering questions for half an hour, like “How much blood does
the human body have?” and “Do you think people get cold when they’re
dead?” You’ll then spend the rest of the night staring at your child in
wide-eyed dismay. Good luck getting any sleep. Not with Beelzebub
incarnate occupying your bed.<br />
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<h3>
8. Self-defense</h3>
I don’t know what kids dream about, but I’m pretty sure it’s similar
to WWE’s SmackDown Live. You will be beaten to within an inch of your
life, and, because you’re a mom, you’ll let it slide just so your child
can get their recommended 13 hours of sleep.<br />
<br />
<h3>
9. Karma Sleep-tra</h3>
Kids transition through an awkward progression of sleep positions
which force you to come up with your own counter sleep positions. Like a
shitty game of bed Tetris where you lose no matter what. At least once
you will opt to sleep at the foot of the bed where you will act as a
foot warmer to your spouse’s feet, which is growing stalactites.
#Blessed.<br />
<br />
<h3>
10 – 2,457. Concession Stand</h3>
Co-sleeping means around-the-clock concierge service for your child.
You’ll have things like tissues, baby wipes, diapers, crackers, a meat
and cheese platter, glow sticks, and a goddamn pony on the ready at your
bedside. And that’s not even including the epic amount of shit you’ll
amass whenever your child is sick. You will go on many red-eye trips to
the kitchen for water and fulfill requests to “cuddle harder.” You’ll
regulate the temperature at all hours of the night, making sure your
tiny furnace stays warm, but not too warm, by adjusting the covers and
blowing in their face when they get too hot.Mommy Cusseshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14219465459041083272noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3010076838846198135.post-4362804557914483362016-12-11T09:41:00.001-08:002017-03-09T18:37:11.117-08:00WTF Guide To The 2016 Pottery Barn Kids Holiday Catalog<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEcBQB51pWN-XExpcOmQCN7hxxqn7e8KQbyIorlML3-WyPgB1ZRBRSYF1vXOA0s1LCl7nW0U8uyPSy_OD9GYDXAg6MTYTZwkvqSpm-nDevBuoq1gY-2xD3uBbYbEu0HezhLGbXoKgmCZ-n/s1600/WTF+Guide+to+the+2016+PBK+Holiday+Catalog+featured+image.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="WTF Guide To The Pottery Barn Kids 2016 Holiday Catalog by Mommy Cusses" border="0" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEcBQB51pWN-XExpcOmQCN7hxxqn7e8KQbyIorlML3-WyPgB1ZRBRSYF1vXOA0s1LCl7nW0U8uyPSy_OD9GYDXAg6MTYTZwkvqSpm-nDevBuoq1gY-2xD3uBbYbEu0HezhLGbXoKgmCZ-n/s640/WTF+Guide+to+the+2016+PBK+Holiday+Catalog+featured+image.png" title="WTF Guide To The Pottery Barn Kids 2016 Holiday Catalog by Mommy Cusses" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">If you haven’t read the <a href="http://adequateman.deadspin.com/the-2016-hater-s-guide-to-the-williams-sonoma-catalog-1789529261" target="_blank">2016 Hater’s Guide to theWilliams-Sonoma Catalog</a>, you’re missing out. After cackling over this year’s
article, I wanted to write my own version for parents.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">As parents, we run into some obnoxiously priced and
unnecessary gear for kids. Before our children are even born, we get slammed
with ridiculous lists of newborn “essentials.” For once in my life, I sought
out a place that sold expensive kids products. That’s when I came across
<a href="http://www.potterybarnkids.com/pages/ecatalog/pottery-barn-kids-catalog-december-16.html?cm_type=gnav" target="_blank">Pottery Barn Kids’</a> 2016 Holiday catalog for December. And while I do love me
some Pottery Barn, some of the products I discovered in their 2016 December catalog
were…well, you’ll see.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Here’s a little highlight reel of shit I won’t be
buying from Pottery Barn Kids this year or ever. Probably. <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">If anyone wants to gift me some of these, <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">h<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">owever</span></span>, <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">now that's another matter.</span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"></span></span></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">1. Super Hero City </span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbp50r0E0CR4S-F3HfCANif1mtqS2NhHUX2rO-buG6VYykNi2z7vlOUGz07KbagAWx4btq6e-wHui2dVaY0xbqi82BoSFQo5V-6gBb95q1HjpTiP2wSvroYoaaqAin4KDO9KdYJYpGY_lu/s1600/PBK+super+hero+city+play+set.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog" border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbp50r0E0CR4S-F3HfCANif1mtqS2NhHUX2rO-buG6VYykNi2z7vlOUGz07KbagAWx4btq6e-wHui2dVaY0xbqi82BoSFQo5V-6gBb95q1HjpTiP2wSvroYoaaqAin4KDO9KdYJYpGY_lu/s400/PBK+super+hero+city+play+set.PNG" title="WTF Pottery Barn Kids 2016 Super Hero City" width="345" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Super
Hero City Playsets $299</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Heroes
set of 5 $24</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 12.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Villains set of 5
$24</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Let’s start this thing
out with a bang, why don’t we? Or maybe a Ka-Pow right in your bank account’s
nut sack. At least you can make more super heroes using discarded corks from
all the wine you drink trying to escape the fact that you’re an uppity a-hole.
Kids like action figures: a figure capable of actions via bendable limbs. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Okay, in all honesty, this thin<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">g actually does look<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"> </span>pretty cool<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">. Onto the next item!</span></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">2. Tea Food </span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDlKMe_rCvk9Spz88F-MUtOwFQDfDkDshFRZdahG-gv2JTL6jkhuvb7tXOMVxy99XVkSxCswbd-PJ-L8ru1dmSdqPrCMRvVClMWoPksvJk8Yj0RZum_cKJ0kCb7zmD1IyrZPxKb6bgmz8z/s1600/PBK+felt+macaroons+and+tea+sandwiches.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog" border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDlKMe_rCvk9Spz88F-MUtOwFQDfDkDshFRZdahG-gv2JTL6jkhuvb7tXOMVxy99XVkSxCswbd-PJ-L8ru1dmSdqPrCMRvVClMWoPksvJk8Yj0RZum_cKJ0kCb7zmD1IyrZPxKb6bgmz8z/s400/PBK+felt+macaroons+and+tea+sandwiches.PNG" title="" width="393" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Tea
Sandwich Set set of 4 $24</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Macaroon
Set set of 5 $24</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Hand-felted, pinkies up, by sanctimommies taking a
break from trolling parenting forums and hell-bent on all things Montessori,
using hair from a unicorn’s teat. And don’t worry, they’re gluten-free.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">3. Faux-Fur Rockin’ Gifts</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcMm2nvwz3lcbUGKDj3w0xENffJf2XY3SINxdgnlDIl86vN4AtF4C0431jUv4GLoeFYGVHmcYdlFUVM-u8qeE51KJlCeo14UVzlOqWTzqhlW3IvV2iebbyHwLX-aDb_DR5JW3RBk8ig_Qb/s1600/PBK+stuffed+rockers.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog" border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcMm2nvwz3lcbUGKDj3w0xENffJf2XY3SINxdgnlDIl86vN4AtF4C0431jUv4GLoeFYGVHmcYdlFUVM-u8qeE51KJlCeo14UVzlOqWTzqhlW3IvV2iebbyHwLX-aDb_DR5JW3RBk8ig_Qb/s640/PBK+stuffed+rockers.PNG" title="" width="587" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Faux-Fur and Sherpa Rockers $189/$149</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Fancy the fanciful? Teach little Willa or Blake that animals
exist merely for their amusement with these rockers. Methinks people are going
a little overboard with their choice of animals for rockers. A cat? Have you
ever tried to mount a cat? No, because that’s not even a thing. Cats are not
whimsical, they’re assholes with retractable scythes. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">4. Only the Plushiest</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgd6_2DQ_kC4guJO7uMZ7Q8u4_ZlI5AbCDzOHe9KeGAVeaqCa2tFy7rYEUQgf6LPHkP_yi7XKopPbkblUeBMZkGhg9DCFhLetk7ufyVquBi-cBTEbR13kzw47Jm5TiQaSsO_vrlUroL2ns4/s1600/PBK+stuffed+plushies+1.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog" border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgd6_2DQ_kC4guJO7uMZ7Q8u4_ZlI5AbCDzOHe9KeGAVeaqCa2tFy7rYEUQgf6LPHkP_yi7XKopPbkblUeBMZkGhg9DCFhLetk7ufyVquBi-cBTEbR13kzw47Jm5TiQaSsO_vrlUroL2ns4/s400/PBK+stuffed+plushies+1.PNG" title="" width="283" /></a></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-vAkMx_km-ZiO72EhN-K1A26kVECOXWgq1eTBabsAJ2d5CzWltBGQ3qrNDJ7F2w0_wgTGInAEgwu8sX4eR6l-aoWMBY2pahuo1Dpdy3NxYPsgyBYz27AuAb3RtRGbHgpLzzYeYedsN3am/s1600/PBK+stuffed+plushies.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog" border="0" height="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-vAkMx_km-ZiO72EhN-K1A26kVECOXWgq1eTBabsAJ2d5CzWltBGQ3qrNDJ7F2w0_wgTGInAEgwu8sX4eR6l-aoWMBY2pahuo1Dpdy3NxYPsgyBYz27AuAb3RtRGbHgpLzzYeYedsN3am/s320/PBK+stuffed+plushies.PNG" title="" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipOuwvt9PFntne9X627UbY8JrvlaWeet8c4gSJerGhhUPg5jT80tL7rS9OmmR9I-41T90bDww1f5_e2Y1BGF8s_0_oTT_thUg7ckpBR1a7HVBAyPBJcamMg4WyaqVn8uA2vHq6hx97HhXb/s1600/PBK+head+mounted+stockings.PNG" imageanchor="1"><img alt="Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog" border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipOuwvt9PFntne9X627UbY8JrvlaWeet8c4gSJerGhhUPg5jT80tL7rS9OmmR9I-41T90bDww1f5_e2Y1BGF8s_0_oTT_thUg7ckpBR1a7HVBAyPBJcamMg4WyaqVn8uA2vHq6hx97HhXb/s400/PBK+head+mounted+stockings.PNG" title="" width="307" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Faux-Fur
Stockings $27.50 - $31.50</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Faux-Fur
Sleeping Bags $169</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Faux-Fur
Plush $29 - $99</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Do you even faux-fur, bro? The big theme this year,
apparently, is age-appropriate taxidermy. Gone are the days of teddy bears,
what are we, Pilgrims? No, now it’s all about jumbo llamas that stare at you
while you sleep. But for $100, good luck getting mom or dad to let you actually
play with your plush. Not in this house, sister.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">5. Gold Pendant Light</span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPutTgceSo2yE1Q8N9DnyNFtyBi2oaaEW5asXmNf3Flj-aVZPomCET3r5ELgOGjpTVoKjSHDuAiEOCFowHVTGogLjqFeAuSJrOJq-Gwwd5lni2TjMI2QIVDFoUpRtjCWW4TDUl5byK-0SF/s1600/PBK+gold+chandelier.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog" border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPutTgceSo2yE1Q8N9DnyNFtyBi2oaaEW5asXmNf3Flj-aVZPomCET3r5ELgOGjpTVoKjSHDuAiEOCFowHVTGogLjqFeAuSJrOJq-Gwwd5lni2TjMI2QIVDFoUpRtjCWW4TDUl5byK-0SF/s640/PBK+gold+chandelier.PNG" title="" width="561" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Glass & Metal Cage Pendant $349</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Show people that money <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">is</i> an object, and that that object is a giant fucking suspended orb
of gold in your child’s room. FFS, wh<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">at</span> are you? A Sultan?</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">6. Bedtime Finery</span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilp9thlplpsIxgAS9NrbbFUWEvLxaG1lcXElF9YcF0qVKSgmu1HiU-ctVlM4ZB3AIeDozx-ICw_wUpjl0meR8W3szsA0efxIiAYbwdhA695RRNCXBrl_Ikme7tg_duJbHWvcpAfOz1aZNy/s1600/PBK+pajamas.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog" border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilp9thlplpsIxgAS9NrbbFUWEvLxaG1lcXElF9YcF0qVKSgmu1HiU-ctVlM4ZB3AIeDozx-ICw_wUpjl0meR8W3szsA0efxIiAYbwdhA695RRNCXBrl_Ikme7tg_duJbHWvcpAfOz1aZNy/s400/PBK+pajamas.PNG" title="" width="308" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOqKfRNPnON5d8kPxiegJK9n8_Wq_-FyNMxGn0PM4snRqSxhNITHwf3X0yYEiL86ikHxVGuSHgVDGu9CZ6RecGGXY1ATgdKmIMgMiX8J8PQf3fNCJrP_fyUPM6JWnF7UZlDm24Y8gRVB6n/s1600/PBK+pajamas1.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog" border="0" height="273" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOqKfRNPnON5d8kPxiegJK9n8_Wq_-FyNMxGn0PM4snRqSxhNITHwf3X0yYEiL86ikHxVGuSHgVDGu9CZ6RecGGXY1ATgdKmIMgMiX8J8PQf3fNCJrP_fyUPM6JWnF7UZlDm24Y8gRVB6n/s400/PBK+pajamas1.PNG" title="" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Flannel Pajamas $46.50</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">No, they’re not actually called bedtime finery, but I
wouldn’t be surprised if they were. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Here’s a fun little preview of what your kids <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">won’t</i> look like while wearing these
claustrophobia-inducing, personalized pajama sets:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhO0bLnhC-CgKiuYEYr7KPKE5hSWzSYBD5736YEx6B39BzZW6A7xYvG44QjnFSZJVCCFtYhKpovzero-l3ULO7aPtLYwUYYZOkzTwiBhGbNq9rzbCbxxUaOpMLLWdbv-JpmHWXZBSZTrq9Z/s1600/PBK+kids+wearing+pjs.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog" border="0" height="325" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhO0bLnhC-CgKiuYEYr7KPKE5hSWzSYBD5736YEx6B39BzZW6A7xYvG44QjnFSZJVCCFtYhKpovzero-l3ULO7aPtLYwUYYZOkzTwiBhGbNq9rzbCbxxUaOpMLLWdbv-JpmHWXZBSZTrq9Z/s400/PBK+kids+wearing+pjs.PNG" title="" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Nope. Get ready to hear a whole lot of “I’m choking”
and “This is too itchy!” and “Why do you hate us, Mommy? Why?”</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">7. Chair Backers</span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzuiUIbdcD3Gdlb40bV18ZTrEHFkI4AsbXe04uImZnJh3qpuzw7QUMyv8xGL4MWrm7Z6oBmvRVwmdcE_HMCT5SS6S6Y_OVdk_yGkelJxvj8Eerr499Cr6ThnqiLfay4_l615L8VkCEEcvT/s1600/PBK+decorative+chair+backers.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog" border="0" height="396" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzuiUIbdcD3Gdlb40bV18ZTrEHFkI4AsbXe04uImZnJh3qpuzw7QUMyv8xGL4MWrm7Z6oBmvRVwmdcE_HMCT5SS6S6Y_OVdk_yGkelJxvj8Eerr499Cr6ThnqiLfay4_l615L8VkCEEcvT/s640/PBK+decorative+chair+backers.PNG" title="" width="640" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Chair Backers $19.50 - $24</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Oh, you just have naked, un-personalized chair backs?
WELL FUCK YOU! Santa sobs over your uncoifed chairs. Do you <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">really</i> wish me a Merry Christmas? Because your bare-backed chairs
say otherwise.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">8. Santa Gnomes</span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgl-F-VCDvCrv8O7GNjFCixQd8FJwypjv8qIWhd-7cTleJR2iJ8NrSgc0IF3cYYUXIeD4ZE8m65NH0EYWKVDPK0gFA7A-Nnms-Y2sf6Ckxj_oKKzgrxNT2pQVgKGjBs5ymwxzvUKPtgBkO5/s1600/PBK+I+don%2527t+even+know.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog" border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgl-F-VCDvCrv8O7GNjFCixQd8FJwypjv8qIWhd-7cTleJR2iJ8NrSgc0IF3cYYUXIeD4ZE8m65NH0EYWKVDPK0gFA7A-Nnms-Y2sf6Ckxj_oKKzgrxNT2pQVgKGjBs5ymwxzvUKPtgBkO5/s400/PBK+I+don%2527t+even+know.PNG" title="" width="286" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Santa
Gnomes:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Skiing
$59</span>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Standing
$29</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">At a Pottery Barn meeting somewhere, someone stood up
and was like, “I think a good price for the mini mop on toothpick stilts is
$59,” and everyone nodded their heads in jute-loving agreeance.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">9. Metal Baking Set</span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIrTCw9LlrghsuOLyEo6IvGmRI_irbYPxxmRtH0Uk0PT_ALsRrjqNdZfvXHbtIBH7iO_4Qc-kgvdgbz2YE_agOOvZgW4heRVpuz_t_17Un087PnQV5XSORs-vOnwzuGXH5EPg29Xfvi2FH/s1600/PBK+metal+baking+set.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog" border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIrTCw9LlrghsuOLyEo6IvGmRI_irbYPxxmRtH0Uk0PT_ALsRrjqNdZfvXHbtIBH7iO_4Qc-kgvdgbz2YE_agOOvZgW4heRVpuz_t_17Un087PnQV5XSORs-vOnwzuGXH5EPg29Xfvi2FH/s400/PBK+metal+baking+set.PNG" title="" width="345" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Metal Baking Set $24</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">A metal baking set. Because kids and metal objects
with serrated edges sounds like oodles of fun. Go ahead and anticipate the
$1,200 bill you’ll be getting from the ER after they have to surgically remove
a bundt cake pan from Preston’s shoulder blade after little Adley assaulted him
with it for pretending to eat her invisible lemon and rose water cake.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">10. On-the-Go Stroller</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiF1LLjW_ZA50mINv4AxeuZV23iAkb8IlZl_r2IRmYNsJ7Enz6M84TqApmBRq7Efkz2jjaIFr01aZx4N6O9erKyUC__Y9Jwnr8va73sm7oYqNkzcGXTeTjfOzYd5RkLBAE4YZMkTdFhs2lm/s1600/PBK+3+in+1+stroller.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog" border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiF1LLjW_ZA50mINv4AxeuZV23iAkb8IlZl_r2IRmYNsJ7Enz6M84TqApmBRq7Efkz2jjaIFr01aZx4N6O9erKyUC__Y9Jwnr8va73sm7oYqNkzcGXTeTjfOzYd5RkLBAE4YZMkTdFhs2lm/s400/PBK+3+in+1+stroller.PNG" title="" width="377" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Convertible 3-in-1 $99</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">3-in-1? Oh, joyous day, that’s 3x the frequency of
your child’s incessant begging this “on the go” stroller will cause since
they’ll want to bring it everyfuckingwhere. Oh, but it will keep your child’s
baby, who is not alive therefore rendering this feature useless, safe and
secure. What a treasure.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<b>
</b><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">11. Designer Dolls</span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtOkslM3qViyQ1knrBynLQY0_zp5IhV-wTxt6zHfAe2EcSNT0mjMnyFGhU1Tw8UZkJ-Z2f3Q7pTu8lqlvNfXCCFOBe2pEtAjY37g2xT9E5QtkSlLYBCqQSEu1pykL-mMZVtONtzw_fd_i5/s1600/PBK+designer+dolls.PNG" imageanchor="1"><img alt="Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog" border="0" height="390" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtOkslM3qViyQ1knrBynLQY0_zp5IhV-wTxt6zHfAe2EcSNT0mjMnyFGhU1Tw8UZkJ-Z2f3Q7pTu8lqlvNfXCCFOBe2pEtAjY37g2xT9E5QtkSlLYBCqQSEu1pykL-mMZVtONtzw_fd_i5/s400/PBK+designer+dolls.PNG" title="" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Designer
Dolls $29 - $59</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Monique
Lhuillier Designer Dolls $69</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">What’s the difference between regular old designer
dolls and motherhecking Monique Lhuillier designer dolls? Oh, about $10 - $40
dollhairs, that’s what. Get it? Puns are funny.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Can you tell the difference from this pic? No, the
differences are silent. Just like the “H” in Lhuillier.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">12. Silver Tea Set</span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY4D9Z9D1-y8Ja2tw0UZn3GsGCFVQt6RXX7TCuIpkKbKWdPnyf0phSeOjryXPWkRqG_awFANGi3LjZjHYlYJKuKv_6RLqBSW2n5ylKHtDGWYe0PTjziHncaUAuPLWAVY6Mb7-qHBAGzgBj/s1600/PBK+silver+tea+set.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog" border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY4D9Z9D1-y8Ja2tw0UZn3GsGCFVQt6RXX7TCuIpkKbKWdPnyf0phSeOjryXPWkRqG_awFANGi3LjZjHYlYJKuKv_6RLqBSW2n5ylKHtDGWYe0PTjziHncaUAuPLWAVY6Mb7-qHBAGzgBj/s400/PBK+silver+tea+set.PNG" title="" width="387" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Silver Tea Set $59</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Serve your kids their sense of entitlement on a
literal silver platter. Polished with the tears of joy over how #Blessed you
are.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">13. Baby Blanket</span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9eOEvUtrDAEXqm1aJs1H6DP4piJZw3Tf0QgTLOAONOGnKCAWDjAKjtbmnckxtRuJ_mqqD3NY1dWy0uuUBQO4O0dQ4hWj_zOcVK8dN1_XlNzc8fwWgFgDO-t5L-BHshtlmsQNHqRm_mM7D/s1600/PBK+blankets.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog" border="0" height="272" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9eOEvUtrDAEXqm1aJs1H6DP4piJZw3Tf0QgTLOAONOGnKCAWDjAKjtbmnckxtRuJ_mqqD3NY1dWy0uuUBQO4O0dQ4hWj_zOcVK8dN1_XlNzc8fwWgFgDO-t5L-BHshtlmsQNHqRm_mM7D/s640/PBK+blankets.PNG" title="" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Baby Blankets $29.50 - $59.50</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">What do you mean your chamois aren’t luxe, organic,
and/or faux-fur? You’ve got to be Sherpa-ing me. You know, when I think of a
material I’ll likely be cleaning bodily fluids and curdled milk out of, I
immediately think of faux-fur. I’ll take fabrics that are totally pretentious
for infants for $60, Alex.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">14. Velvet Advent Calendar</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYNoBozgh5Cu1yhI_VevcXLv0U89UAkyOQStbuNKUvLTnGHLILJv2Z1xw9jkeEHqoTH5fWaiLnGpjF0CzIGmjyQZ0ZZoh_7FPASlH6uInb-q9pa9TfA-55YGsW6OhYDPM-KNgMGi8NNMHL/s1600/PBK+advent+calendar.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog" border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYNoBozgh5Cu1yhI_VevcXLv0U89UAkyOQStbuNKUvLTnGHLILJv2Z1xw9jkeEHqoTH5fWaiLnGpjF0CzIGmjyQZ0ZZoh_7FPASlH6uInb-q9pa9TfA-55YGsW6OhYDPM-KNgMGi8NNMHL/s640/PBK+advent+calendar.PNG" title="" width="284" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Luxe Velvet Advent Calendar <span style="color: red;">Special</span>
<s><span style="color: red;">$99</span></s> $79</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">A personalized “Luxe” tartan-lined advent calendar. So
you can center a special time in your day around bleeding money for gifts
leading up to a day where you bled even more money for even more gifts.
Everything about this advent calendar screams missionary sex with
Holiday-themed thermal pajama tops on while Celine Dion plays in the
background.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">15. Monique Lhuillier</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiicRjHyA10ab_PHNQ7tKgdhi9uLR-uHqkPZCIrQIHaw_ET-vq1_JJouWuz5xixRoUOb6kTJ_9-D7_12WdQpSIOKB3LQWhuVJEH0kNoxANbbrOJcTX8IKl1u_1QT-erXyhBqjnNgAS4_UDV/s1600/PBK+girl+playing+with+dollhouse.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog" border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiicRjHyA10ab_PHNQ7tKgdhi9uLR-uHqkPZCIrQIHaw_ET-vq1_JJouWuz5xixRoUOb6kTJ_9-D7_12WdQpSIOKB3LQWhuVJEH0kNoxANbbrOJcTX8IKl1u_1QT-erXyhBqjnNgAS4_UDV/s640/PBK+girl+playing+with+dollhouse.PNG" title="" width="346" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Dollhouse
$299</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Round
Tufted Ottoman $399</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“Oh, I’ll just set this $300 doll mansion on top of
this $400 ottoman." Tufted? You bet your ass it’s tufted. Just like my butthole
at the thought of spending $700 on “ethereal” décor. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">16. AT-AT Bookcase</span></b></div>
<b>
</b><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgy77KigZT-dKmHBV0uqH7V86fBFJOB8auBug2NAThnvLtO29WPMb4BotFbG5irAPjXFxUFXKCGNNHpmwlf3-sAOQ7FtcD8rYGmDPRd2gicmEZGDSAt5dCUzmNMp8OaUkRzFhhUZvBtezDP/s1600/PBK+at-at+bookshelf.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog" border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgy77KigZT-dKmHBV0uqH7V86fBFJOB8auBug2NAThnvLtO29WPMb4BotFbG5irAPjXFxUFXKCGNNHpmwlf3-sAOQ7FtcD8rYGmDPRd2gicmEZGDSAt5dCUzmNMp8OaUkRzFhhUZvBtezDP/s640/PBK+at-at+bookshelf.PNG" title="" width="484" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">AT-AT Walker Bookcase $1,599</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">No, those aren’t lasers, that’s just blood squirting
out of my eyes over the price tag on this thing.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I’m sorry, but for $1,599, this AT-AT Walker Bookcase
better walk. It better take me on rides through a galaxy far, far away,
blasting shit, or at least something else besides sit there while my kids make wooden
penis structures on the floor in front of it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">17. Dollhouses</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj95Dbw8wAVKNZYBgjddPDlQYxNxVCnp0MumvZ6ld5KueCPc4ZnJDQmvv6tULwhYhYM_3Ki7cnNPrnekZIi7D7X3QW22rYit07TreZCx4H6dUQmDk9FxHyv5VWQIo0ib521nufDGecd_s7G/s1600/PBK+doll+mansion.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog" border="0" height="499" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj95Dbw8wAVKNZYBgjddPDlQYxNxVCnp0MumvZ6ld5KueCPc4ZnJDQmvv6tULwhYhYM_3Ki7cnNPrnekZIi7D7X3QW22rYit07TreZCx4H6dUQmDk9FxHyv5VWQIo0ib521nufDGecd_s7G/s640/PBK+doll+mansion.PNG" title="" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmDXUx1CpoBwpHqAqk-PmSyTLLSg_vczlBBQM72eI9JV8hn_hJKhlsp4GJvfqwtnBrGL9P4j60CDnzx6kqvRiOsOTaUQCrjRPKl1Fy6F7LjWpKhqjzAD5LVZHq4SDWy_AkKmVZzUijuUg1/s1600/PBK+dollhouses.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog" border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmDXUx1CpoBwpHqAqk-PmSyTLLSg_vczlBBQM72eI9JV8hn_hJKhlsp4GJvfqwtnBrGL9P4j60CDnzx6kqvRiOsOTaUQCrjRPKl1Fy6F7LjWpKhqjzAD5LVZHq4SDWy_AkKmVZzUijuUg1/s400/PBK+dollhouses.PNG" title="" width="325" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Dollhouses:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Ellington
$399</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Ellington
Townhouse $199</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Greenwich
$399</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Westport
$199</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Farmington
$99</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“Colonial-styles.” Arm your kids with terms like
“colonial-styles” so they can be the next shiplap-obsessed assholes destined
for open-concept marital woes on House Hunters. Set up a bank account for your
6-year-old and dump your Roth IRA into it for the future HOA fees they’ll need
to pay just to live in “Westport” or “Greenwich” with their son named Ellington because of course that's his name.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://adequateman.deadspin.com/the-2016-hater-s-guide-to-the-williams-sonoma-catalog-1789529261"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></a><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Mommy Cusseshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14219465459041083272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3010076838846198135.post-72524068316418762722016-12-08T11:01:00.005-08:002017-12-14T22:24:30.530-08:00Momified Parodies Of Your Favorite Christmas Songs<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLCorLLgLgtVdoGIxR5Npxx0JIfCdM_TeVp6cDQFaybiGYUeXNzFTtxqPALnakGatOiIbijMMFFhAmxoTc7jETxrYi-oJ4SGlI3GwkRzcCOhx3EbhYl_DRYwqEmjhlxLaxaYIyNXMg0dYx/s1600/Christmas.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mommy Cusses funny parent parodies of Christmas songs" border="0" data-original-height="539" data-original-width="960" height="356" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLCorLLgLgtVdoGIxR5Npxx0JIfCdM_TeVp6cDQFaybiGYUeXNzFTtxqPALnakGatOiIbijMMFFhAmxoTc7jETxrYi-oJ4SGlI3GwkRzcCOhx3EbhYl_DRYwqEmjhlxLaxaYIyNXMg0dYx/s640/Christmas.jpg" title="Mommy Cusses funny parent parodies of Christmas songs" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
It’s that time of the year again. The smell of gingerbread, cocoa,
and peppermint is in the air and everyone’s getting into the Christmas
spirit.<br />
<br />
For parents, the holidays come with their very own set of challenges.
Some got roped into the Elf on the Shelf shit show, some are trying to
keep the ruse of Santa alive, Pinterest moms are making the rest of us
feel inadequate with all their effing crafts and holiday decor.<br />
<br />
Many of us have been teaching our children what the meaning of this
holiday is all about through stories and carols. And while we’re trying
to make childhoods magical, we’re low key losing our goddamned minds
over the pressures that come with the Holiday Season: Christmas
shopping, dealing with extended family, our kids insisting on clumping
all the ornaments on a single tree branch. Somebody pass me the spiked
egg nog, stat.<br />
<br />
<div>
<center>
</center>
</div>
If you’re in need of some comic relief, I’ve got you covered with
a couple momified parodies of some of your favorite X-mas songs.<br />
<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Closing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I'm dreaming of my pre-baby body</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">BABY, IT’S TIME FOR BED</span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I’m really not tired - Baby it's time
for bed<br />
I've got to go potty again - Baby cut that shit out<br />
This episode of Caillou has been – Been a complete shitastrophy, now let me
tuck you in<br />
As fun to watch the fifth time in a row – I really hate that effing kid <br />
<br />
I might have bad dreams – Please just go to sleep<br />
My stuffed animals might get cold – I’m pretty sure that’s not even a thing<br />
So really I'd better stay awake – Mommy’s about to lose her shit</span></div>
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<br />
Does the moon have a heartbeat? – I really need a drink<br />
Say, do worms have teeth? – No, because they don’t need them to feast on the
souls of children who don’t sleep<br />
I wish I knew how – Let’s play the “How Long Can You Keep Your Eyes Closed” now<br />
To count to infinity – Why don’t you try while counting sheep<br />
<br />
My favorite word is no, no, no – Before kids, this is the time I’d be heading
out to go to the clubs<br />
Can you read me another story? – Once upon a time, you weren’t even listening,
so everyone in the book dies, The End<br />
I’m really hungry – My sanity is wearing thin<br />
Ah, but it's time for bed<br />
<br />
My eyes feel heavy – Dear God, finally<br />
Did I hear Daddy open some chips? – Dammit, what is this, amateur hour?<br />
You’re the best mommy ever – Those words make everything worth it<br />
I peed on the cat – It’s all right, she needed a bath<br />
<br />
I have a huge project due tomorrow – Wine should drown my sorrows<br />
I said I’d bring sugar-free cupcakes – I’m pretty sure that’s an oxy moron<br />
I forgot my lovey downstairs – Of course you did<br />
Ah, but it's time for bed<br />
Oh, mommy, I’m not even tired<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
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<br />
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<b>From my family to yours, we wish you a margarita. Or three.</b></div>
Mommy Cusseshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14219465459041083272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3010076838846198135.post-21121854236536252262016-12-02T10:48:00.001-08:002017-12-14T22:26:35.962-08:00What Moms Really Want for Christmas<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0dgi2wMz-aWoB8bO5JmXw5_VDf3OdXWY7Nqui5LqLFp9j07dX-GML0mMsjrIJYfPBPVH8gqrTLnccSalekOj9pO46U7pvEJqPizmzUPvQB6gUseiydc5rR44dTFyF7aEehwaCQ2URbpi5/s1600/christmas+presents.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mommy Cusses what to get moms for christmas funny" border="0" data-original-height="649" data-original-width="960" height="432" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0dgi2wMz-aWoB8bO5JmXw5_VDf3OdXWY7Nqui5LqLFp9j07dX-GML0mMsjrIJYfPBPVH8gqrTLnccSalekOj9pO46U7pvEJqPizmzUPvQB6gUseiydc5rR44dTFyF7aEehwaCQ2URbpi5/s640/christmas+presents.jpg" title="What Moms Really Want for Christmas by Mommy Cusses" width="640" /></a></div>
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<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The Holidays are here and spouses are scrambling to
figure out what to get their significant others. It’s not like they wouldn’t be
in this pickle if they’d just opened their motherfucking ears as we dropped
hints throughout the year or anything, but I digress. </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> </span>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Because I’m in a giving mood (no, no, zip your pants
up, not that kind of giving. That’s your wish list, not mine), I’ve decided to
compile a list of things you could give the woman who obliterated her body to
give your offspring life. Totally nbd. But that’s not all, these <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">items</span> all
have one thing in common; they won’t cost you a single penny.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Here are 9 totally free things you could give us moms:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">1.
A trip to the store by myself</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I don’t remember what it’s like to maneuver a shopping
cart that doesn’t have hands and legs flailing out of it. Grabbing at snacks on
the shelves like a Gremlin that got sprayed with the produce sprinklers. Sure,
bringing the kids saves us money in the end by ensuring I’m in and out in
record time but, dammit, don’t act like you don’t appreciate that salt rock
lamp I bought last time I was sans children.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">2.
Clothes IN the hamper</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Not on the floor 2 feet away. Not hanging on the
sides. Not wadded up in little piles like an annoying ass Easter Egg Hunt for adults
that makes my head pulse until it eventually implodes on my sixth “find.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">3.
A toothpaste/hairless sink</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I literally do not understand what is so hard about
this one. Brushing your teeth and shaving is not a complicated process. You do
your thang, and then once you’re done, you simply wash the remnants down the
drain. You know, with the contraption that dispenses water directly above said
sink. If you’ve got a particularly pesky dollop of toothpaste or shaving cream,
you can rub your finger on it and I promise you, it will go away. But for some
reason, people insist on letting that shit collect over time like fucking
stalactites. I do not need any more adventure in my cleaning routine. I do not
desire to go spelunking. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">4.
A date. Without you</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I’m so sorry, I know this sounds terrible. It’s just
that sometimes I drown underneath all this motherdom and spousery. Spending
time by myself or with my closest friends help me to remember who I was. The
version of me that used to unknowingly flash traffic by doing cartwheels in a
dress outside the bar. The version of me that said things other than “tee-tee” “poopoo”
“boogies” “binky” “lovey” “naptime” and “Please stop elbowing Mommy in the tit.” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">5.
To take a shower like a normal person</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Gone are the days where I could take a leisurely
shower. And I know, I know, spending less time in the shower is good for the
environment and stuff, but just the mindset that I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">could</i> take a leisurely shower if I wanted to would be heavenly.
Instead, my ears are perked like satellites, ready to pick up on the slightest
scream or cry. Snapping the shower curtain open like a psycho because I thought
I heard something. My hair is dry because I don’t have time to let my
conditioner sit in my hair. And shaving? Yeah right. I could start donating my
leg hair to LuLaRoe for overly priced woolly mammoth leggings.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">6.
To have the TV to myself </span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">If I develop a brain tumor, heaven forbid, I’m naming
it Caillou, after the character who likely produced it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">7.
To drink a cup of hot coffee in one sitting</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Children have this weird force field in and around
their hands that gets activated by vessels of liquid. How else do you explain
their ability to spill <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">everything</i>?
So, if my cup of jo doesn’t get spilled, the kids employ other
anti-temperature-efficient coffee tactics to ensure my coffee feels like I’m
suckling on a glacier’s teat by the time I get to it. Said tactics include, but
are not limited to: tantrums, shaving the cat, episodes of psychosis, and
general rebellion.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">8.
A sister wife</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Don’t get me wrong. You’re cool and all, but what I
wouldn’t give for a live-in BFF to braid my hair, give me compliments, watch
movies, bake shit, and drunkenly go through Snapchat filters with. And no, you
can’t have sex with her.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">9.
Just ONE good picture</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Just one. Just. One. FFS. Or even if Instagram could
create a filter that magically turns back time for a couple seconds since that’s
the exact timeframe it takes for a portrait to go from “picture perfect” to “WTF
is happening right now?”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Also, if you could take a photo of me every once in a
while so I have some documentation that I existed as the Matriarch of this
family, that would be just swell.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Mommy Cusseshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14219465459041083272noreply@blogger.com0