How To Twitter

I'm not Kim Kardashian, nor do I claim to be the Queen of The Twitter, but I've been using Twitter for a couple of years now and have learned a lot by fucking up a lot. When I first started using Twitter, I searched Google for all the halp I could get and took away little to nothing. That's why I thought I'd help those starting out or wanting to gain more followers by passing on some tips that don't totally suck.

Here it goes!


1) Hashtags are NOT necessarily your friend
What!? My life is a lie!

I know what you're thinking, because I thought it, too. Hashtags are what get your tweets noticed, right? Well, yes and no.

If a person is searching Twitter for something specific, they can use the search bar and any tweets containing those words will show up. My first tweets, for a while actually, were littered with hashtags like #momlife #momproblems, etc. While this helped me find funny parent accounts and parent bloggers who were just as new to this thing as I was, it is my personal opinion that it makes your tweets less attractive to more seasoned users wanting to retweet. To me, they spell out "newbie." No one who has been on Twitter long enough to know better uses freaking hashtags.

 

2) DO use a Twitter link
What am I talking about? You may or may not have seen these links in other people's bios. There is a handy link that brings up a search list of all your tweets. Think of this as a resume. Other users are curious to see what YOU have to say, so rather than risk them losing interest as they dig through your timeline that's full of retweets and replies, make your voice easily accessible.

When I tried Googling for this magical link, I came up empty-handed, so I'm going to do you a solid.

Copy this link and replace YOURUSERNAME with, you guessed it, your user name, or everything after your "@":

https://twitter.com/search?q=From%3AYOURUSERNAME

Don't worry if you don't see the whole link when you go to paste it into your bio. It should work.

3) Put the @'s down, and nobody gets hurt
An "@" is Twitter lingo for annoying.

Totally kidding. Kind of.

An "@" is when you reply to other people's tweets or go to their timeline and write to them. It's totally fine to do this every once in a while, but if you reply to every single tweet someone writes, you need to simmer.

Also, if I go to your timeline and see that it's filled solely with @'s to people, I probably won't follow. I want to know what you have to say, not read conversations between you and other people. Twitter people have jokes about "@'ers." Don't be an "@'er."

4) MCM, WCW, FF, WTF?
To confuse you even more, I am now going to encourage you to @ people. I know, so many acronyms, omg, wtf? But these are actually great opportunities to engage with people and show them your appreciation. Why do this? Because you're a mostly nice person, hopefully, but you're also benefiting yourself because now these people may return the favor by visiting your timeline to follow if they aren't already, and hopefully get your name out by retweeting you.

Don't expect that though. Do this out of the goodness of your heart and because you truly like these people. Make a list of, say, five users that you admire and send your love out into the Twitterverse. And don't do it all the damn time or else it loses its charm.

5) RETWEET!
I was very shy to retweet (RT) other people in the beginning, and I was very selective. Don't be! It is the biggest compliment to do so. A heart (or sometimes star...Twitter is always changing this) is nice, but people really want and appreciate RT's. This being said, only RT things that you genuinely think are funny and/or interest you. Basically, would you have tweeted this yourself if you thought of it first, and/or do you support this?

Retweeting increases your chances of being followed and retweeted because the people you retweet will likely check you out if they haven't already to return the favor. I know I do.

6) This is not Facebook
I repeat, this is NOT Facebook. I don't want to know what you did today, or how yummy your coffee is. I want to laugh my vajay off. Facebook is where you go to glorify your life, Twitter is where it's hilarious to over-dramatize how shitty things are. That's why most of us love Twitter. Life is a shit show, let's have some laughs. We see enough filtered pictures and airbrushed lives on Facebook. Nnnnno! *smacks your hand*

7) Participate In Hashtag Games
Hashtags are okay if you're participating in a hashtag contest. This is where a hashtag game account gives a topic and you respond with your wittiest answer and include the topic's hashtag in your tweet. A ton of people participate in these contests because they're fun and will check out other people's responses and heart or retweet you if they like what you have to say. Maybe even give you a follow.

8) Make friends
You'll run into people that interest you more than others. Visit their TL's frequently and retweet them, @ them something witty every once in a while, maybe even a funny gif. Bitches love funny gif's. Give 'em a shout-out as a cool person to follow. Maybe you'll become friends and they'll begin retweeting you and telling their friends to follow you. Put them on a list of your favorite people so it's easier to keep track of them.

I never thought it would be possible to find friends on Twitter but I've made quite a few and we talk more than I talk to some of my closest friends (I know, that's bad). Twitter people rock my socks off.

9) Be consistent
Try to write tweets daily or at least a couple of times weekly. I know that sounds like a lot (and it is, trust me, I find it challenging) but Twitter is fast-paced and people look forward to fresh content.

Make a draft folder, or keep notes on your phone whenever you think of something witty so you can have a reserve of tweets on days your mind is blank, then just copy and paste.

10) Fucking moist
I'm Mommy Cusses. I very obviously have an appreciation for swearing, but to be appealing to a wider audience, I tend to refrain from cursing excessively. Same goes with being gross and porny. I over-share, I tweet vulgar things, but most of my tweets just have to do with everyday life. This is for the same reasons. Unless that's your target audience, of course, in which case, let your freak flag fly.

11) Check out my blog post!
"No!" is what most people think when you link to your blog posts on Twitter. It's harsh, but it's the truth. Most people are on Twitter for quick comic relief, they don't have time to visit your blog. Does this mean never mention your blog posts? Absolutely not. But don't ONLY use Twitter to announce that you've published a new blog post.

Variation is best. Don't be monotone. Make a meme, post a funny picture, retweet, tweet some funny content. It's no fun visiting a timeline that is repetitive.

12) Kill the crowd fire
I loathe getting DM's after following someone and it's an automated message thanking me and welcoming me to check out your blog. Stop pressuring me! I know you have a blog, I saw the link in your goddamned bio.

Thank me some other way, LIKE BY RETWEETING ME or following me back if you like me. Your generic message is giving me hives. Big turn-off, personally.

13) Follow/Unfollow/Follow
Stop what you're doing right meow. If you follow someone and they don't follow you back, don't be a gaping butthole by unfollowing them and following and unfollowing, etc, as is the tactic of some people to gain a person's attention. It's obnoxious and is grounds for you to get blocked and hated for all of eternity.

Now I'm gonna learn ya on a few acronyms and Twitter lingo so you won't feel so damn clueless.

RT- Retweet
TC - Twitter Crush
DM - Direct message
FF - Follow Friday
MCM - Man Crush Monday
WCW - Woman Crush Wednesday
TL - Timeline (your profile)
CW- Coworker
4: - (or any number) Person is referring to their child by using their age rather than a name. Many people on Twitter favor anonymity.
Twittercide- When a user, especially one who has a large-ish following, deletes their account or no longer tweets.
Big Account - A Twitter user with a large following
Small Account - A newbie

I hope this post helps you to be more confident and not feel as awkward and clueless as I was in the beginning. Now get out there and have some fun!