Delightfully Sweary Mom Hacks

I love a good parenting hack. They make life as the sinking Titanic of moms that much easier. But this wouldn't be Mommy Cusses if I didn't throw a well-placed f-bomb or twenty around and I have a reputation to uphold. You may have seen my earlier Sweary Parenting Hacks post where I took a "Thug Kitchen" approach to parenting hacks I've found useful so that the end result are delightfully sweary, very much not your mom's parenting hacks that will have you saying, "Shit, that's helpful!"

Don't let your kids suck mold water out of their rubber ducky's bung. That shit is disgusting. If you love your children, it's time to get kinky. Play some Bump 'n' Grind by R. Kelly, get up nice and close to those bath toys' booty holes and drip some hot glue over and around that rim because that's one hole you don't want to be moist. Yeah, I said it - moist.

Welcome to parenthood - kid puke is part of your life now. If you can't manage to catch it all with your makeshift hand trough, like the human dumpster you are, you can use the grounds from your eternally cold coffee to neutralize the smell so you don't get the liquid giggles, too.

Coffee grounds will also dehydrate it so you can sweep up that gut chowder.

Doors are some "me-time" cockblocking mofo's.

You worked hard to get your baby to sleep and freedom lies just on the other side of their door but when you go to close it - CLACLANKCLACLANKCKCKCKCKCKKKKKKK. The shit?

Put a muzzle on that bitch by wrapping a ribbon or rubber band around both handles which will keep that door peen tucked in real nice.

Babies are like creepy little stalkers. They crave your musk. Sleep with one of their baby blankets or put a shirt you've worn close to where they sleep so they can smell you and think you're nearby. Because you're someone's little nap bitch now.

Have any mom hacks you want me to swearify? Comment below with those helpful little binches.