Delightfully Sweary Mom Hacks

I love a good parenting hack. They make life as the sinking Titanic of moms that much easier. But this wouldn't be Mommy Cusses if I didn't throw a well-placed f-bomb or twenty around and I have a reputation to uphold. You may have seen my earlier Sweary Parenting Hacks post where I took a "Thug Kitchen" approach to parenting hacks I've found useful so that the end result are delightfully sweary, very much not your mom's parenting hacks that will have you saying, "Shit, that's helpful!"

How to Mom When You Have Anxiety: 101

Being a mom who lives with anxiety, or any mental illness, is tough. It’s like stacking an elephant on top of a rickety ladder that could give way at any moment, only the elephant is the worry and stress that comes with the territory of caring for a child, and you’re the rickety ladder struggling to stay upright when everything is telling you to collapse.

Now that I’ve told you, my probably fellow ladder, what you know all too well, let’s have a laugh with How to Mom When You Have Anxiety.

The 10 Plagues of Bedtime

It’s bedtime, and you’re about T-30 minutes away from doing a victory touchdown dance outside your child’s door. Except, nine times out of ten, your kid isn’t willing to go down without a fight.

I like to refer to this as the 10 Plagues of Bedtime.

Because when children are involved, bedtime is a shitfest of biblical proportions.

7 Uncommon Swear Words Applied to Motherhood

Swearing is my favorite. There’s just something about a good ol’ curse word that titillates my dysfunctional soul. The thing about swear words is that they can be used in a pinch as substitutes for almost any word and you can apply them to mean just about anything, regardless of their true meaning. They’re also great for conveying emotions other words just can’t do justice. As a connoisseur of anything sweary, I take expanding my swearcabulary very seriously. I’ve made it my mission to discover new and exciting curse words to share with you and apply them to parenting and motherhood. 
 

Here are seven of my new favorite underused swear words:

8 Funny Valentine's Day Cards for Your Favorite Mom Friend

There's Valentine's Day, Singles Awareness Day, and even Galentines Day which sounds like some kinky orgy where you wear horse masks and flog each other while some creepo stands in the corner banging a cowbell. Moms always get the shaft. That's why I'm coining the day with an equally obnoxious term: Momentine's Day.

Many of us have been fortunate enough to make a mom friend or two who is equally as dysfunctional as ourselves. Someone who's been through the struggles and doesn't judge you when you go lock yourself in the bathroom and take a breather while your kid throws a tantrum. Someone who's down to come over and talk shit while refereeing the kids from the kitchen while you snack on your kids' leftover nugs. Someone who laughs at the same remarkably inappropriate things as you do.

Give the special mom friend in your life one of these funny Valentine's Day cards to let her know that not only does she do an impeccable job at cleaning up other people's shit, she is the shit.

Sweary Mom Hacks

Do you enjoy a good mom hack? Introducing Sweary Mom Hacks. Parenting hacks and tips written in the same deliciously sweartastic style as Thug Kitchen recipes.

Stock Photography Is Bullshit

 

Contrary to common belief, stock photography was created by a team of pristine assholes for the sole purpose of making you feel like dick about yourself. Descendants of this group live on today as trolls in parenting forums, people who insist on putting toilet paper rolls on the wrong way, citizens who enjoy blocking entire aisles with their shopping cart, and slow drivers in the fast lane.

Because I’ve got my fuck all britches on today, I thought I’d make myself feel better in a healthy, constructive way – by making fun of this picture.

How to (Not) Make a Gingerbread House

It was the winter of 2015 that I was introduced to the extreme shitfest that is a gingerbread house kit. There I was, strolling the grocery store, having my ears assaulted by Mariah Carey’s “All I want for Christmas is You,” when I happened upon the supposed confectionary holiday magic in a box. I thought of my son and how his face would light up with a big, doofy smile. “Mommy, you’re the best! There is, and has never been another mother as great and perfect as you!” he would exclaim, in a British accent, because for some reason my brain decided to give him a British accent in this daydream. We would make childhood memories that my son would tell his children about someday. Oh, yeah, I was about to make it rain all kinds of holiday cheer up in this motherfucker. That was when I gently placed the nervous breakdown in a box inside of my shopping cart. What an asshole.

Much like everything else that has to do with parenting, the gingerbread kit came with some general instructions that wound up being a bunch of sugar-coated bullshit. But, hindsight is 20/20 (that is $20 I can never get back, and at least 20 WTF’s muttered under my breath).

What the instructions fail to mention, is that in order to erect the gingerbread house, you need to be an actual licensed general contractor. Then again, the instructions fail to mention a lot, so I’ve taken it upon myself to rewrite them entirely.

WTF Guide To The 2017 Pottery Barn Kids Holiday Catalog

It’s officially November, which means it’s time for my annual roast of this year’s Pottery Barn Kids Holiday catalog. Why? Because when you use words like “sateen” and “luxe faux fur” and spelle wourds with extra letteres or unnecessary diacritical ɱäřķş in descriptions to sound like a fancy bitch, you’re just asking for it imo. Last year, PBK was all sherpa-lined obnoxiousness. This year, well, it’s still sherping obnoxious, but they’ve somehow managed to turn it up a notch, and holy chamois-covered testicles is it funny.

I hope you have a change of underwear handy, because I fully intend on making tears run down your legs. Although, if you don’t, I’m sure PBK has some $100 plush and lace chonies for people who piss pure excellence.

WTF-MD: The WebMD for Parents (Because our Kids Are Trying to Kill Us)

As mothers, part of our job description is to frantically Google symptoms we or our family members are experiencing in order to come up with a crazy-as-shit self-diagnosis before calling the doctor. 90% of the time, that diagnosis is imminent death, and 100% of the time, our doctors are tired of our bullshit antics (and wish they'd never given us the number to their cell phone).

Sometimes in life, we experience a set of symptoms that just don't seem to fit under any known conditions. It's not that these conditions don't exist, it's just that they haven't been named yet. At least not officially. That's why I've taken it upon myself to identify some of these common yet mysterious ailments that run rampant among parents.

Check off any and all symptoms that apply:

It That Shall Not Be Named

Gather 'round and lean in close, ladies, because things are about to get weird, intimate, graphic, and super awkward. I can't help it, it's kinda my thing.

Ladies, what in the shit is wrong with us? There are new moms out there, happy and basking in their pregnancy glow and heads full of long, luscious pregnancy hair that have no clue about my topic today, and it should be our job to warn them, but we fucking don't.

How To Pee If You're A Boy

If you’re a boy mom, you know that once you start potty training, your bathrooms will look and smell like a thing of nightmares. Urine-drenched nightmares. 

Cleaning the bathroom is a chore I have listed alongside things like changing a baboon’s diaper after a recent bout of food poisoning, and sponge-bathing the skin cheese of a stranger’s fupa.

Going #1 when you’re a little boy can be tricky, so I’ve slapped together this fun little how-to as a guide. Feel free to add more disgusting pee acts or modify the steps as you see fit.

Party Favors That Parents Secretly F*cking Hate

All parents have had to deal with the aftermath of shitty party favors from well-meaning parents.

If you're the owner of a tiny human, then you have undoubtedly come into contact with a plethora of party favors. Most of the time, these favors are pretty damned cool and you can even wait a month or two before throwing them away. But sometimes, your child comes home with an assortment of nopes by a parent you're certain must secretly hate you.

Allow me to detail each item in the Pandora's box of kid's party favor fuckery.

The Mom Diet & Exercise Plan

While it may not seem like it, the highly coveted “mom bod” can only be attained through a very strict diet and exercise regimen. Until now, this popular diet has been known only to mothers. After all, not everyone can handle the attention our dark under-eye circles and stretch marks draw in public. Being fabulous is so tiring.

It’s time to share the secrets of our diet plan, appropriately titled the “Mom Diet”.

How To (Not) Get Your Child In A Car Seat

There are few tasks that yield as much resistance and mind-fuckery from your child than getting them into their car seat.

It all sounds so simple: pick up your kid, set them down in their car seat, adjust and secure the car seat straps, and drive off into the sunset. Unfortunately, babies are born into this world with car seat repellent limbs.

Straight from the shitty parent's instruction manual, here's how to (not) get your kid into a  car seat.

How To Co-Sleep In 2,457 Easy Steps

The term co-sleeping is deceiving af. First, there’s the “co,” meaning jointly or mutually. What a crock of shit. There’s nothing jointly going on besides your kid’s jagged toenails taking turns slipping down your butt crack. Then there’s “sleeping.” Um, if by sleeping you mean 2-7 hours of internal screaming to an agonizing soundtrack of baby farts and your spouse’s snoring, then sure, some sleeping happens.

Whether you planned on co-sleeping or gave up the good fight just to gain another goddamn hour of shut-eye, there are some unspoken guidelines on how to do this thing properly.

Here’s how to co-sleep in 2,457 easy steps:

WTF Guide To The 2016 Pottery Barn Kids Holiday Catalog

If you haven’t read the 2016 Hater’s Guide to theWilliams-Sonoma Catalog, you’re missing out. After cackling over this year’s article, I wanted to write my own version for parents.

As parents, we run into some obnoxiously priced and unnecessary gear for kids. Before our children are even born, we get slammed with ridiculous lists of newborn “essentials.” For once in my life, I sought out a place that sold expensive kids products. That’s when I came across Pottery Barn Kids’ 2016 Holiday catalog for December. And while I do love me some Pottery Barn, some of the products I discovered in their 2016 December catalog were…well, you’ll see.

Here’s a little highlight reel of shit I won’t be buying from Pottery Barn Kids this year or ever. Probably. If anyone wants to gift me some of these, however, now that's another matter.

What Moms Really Want for Christmas

The Holidays are here and spouses are scrambling to figure out what to get their significant others. It’s not like they wouldn’t be in this pickle if they’d just opened their motherfucking ears as we dropped hints throughout the year or anything, but I digress. 

 

Because I’m in a giving mood (no, no, zip your pants up, not that kind of giving. That’s your wish list, not mine), I’ve decided to compile a list of things you could give the woman who obliterated her body to give your offspring life. Totally nbd. But that’s not all, these items all have one thing in common; they won’t cost you a single penny.

Here are 9 totally free things you could give us moms:

"Why Do Moms?" Google Autocomplete

Google’s autocomplete feature is one that garners some handy and hilarious results. If you aren’t familiar with this feature, it’s where Google offers search suggestions based off whatever words you begin to type into the search bar. These suggestions are things that people have actually typed in, and they’re usually the more popular searches.

I decided to have a little fun with Google autocomplete with: Why do moms.

These were Google’s top search suggestions:

Why do moms get fat

Why do moms yell all the time

Why do moms kiss their babies

Why do moms hate their daughters

Why do moms yell

I’M NOT YELLING. YOU’RE YELLING!

Since these are questions that actual people have pondered enough to consult Google, I thought, who better to answer these seekers of knowledge than a mom? 

So, let’s get to it.

An Amazon Review Of Childbirth

After reading the rave reviews for this product and downing a few glasses of wine, I finally decided that it was time to drop this wish list item into my shopping cart and make it a reality.

At checkout, I carefully selected my desired options, summoned up every ounce of courage, and clicked ORDER.

Buyer’s remorse quickly set in. What was I doing? Was I ready? Did I truly want this? But as soon as the confirmation e-mail popped up in my inbox, I was ecstatic.

The description of this item states that it takes “nine months” after the purchase date for it to arrive, so I prepared myself for the wait. I checked in on the status messages of my order obsessively: “We have received your order,” “Processing your order,” and then finally, “Preparing your order for shipment.”

Nine months came and went and I was still sans package. After calling Customer Service, I found out that the process is more like 10 months. What. The. Fuck.

Then one morning, I received the text: Your package is out for delivery.