The Mom Diet & Exercise Plan

While it may not seem like it, the highly coveted “mom bod” can only be attained through a very strict diet and exercise regimen. Until now, this popular diet has been known only to mothers. After all, not everyone can handle the attention our dark under-eye circles and stretch marks draw in public. Being fabulous is so tiring.

It’s time to share the secrets of our diet plan, appropriately titled the “Mom Diet”.

9 Pokemon Go Characters Every Mom Can Identify With

They say curiosity killed the cat. By they, I mean all parents who are still sans Pokémon Go, free to waste a few moments mindlessly scrolling through their phones without a child snatching it out of their hands.

Recently, I have submitted to the wildly popular Pokémon Go craze and become one of the millions to download it.

As I delved deeper into the world of Pokémon, I realized that I identify with these monsters. They’re just creatures trying to live their lives while being chased around by children who are hell-bent on trapping them inside enclosed spaces.

I am never the same mom. My mood depends on situations, people, time of day, caffeine and alcohol levels, and also when I was fed last (and told I was pretty).

The following Pokémon have personality traits and behaviors I think all moms can relate to. Bear with me.

Home Alone 2: How Much Did The McCallister's Christmas Vacation Cost?

"Someone actually figured out how much the Christmas vacation/s on Home Alone 2 cost? They need to get a life!" Ah, I love the smell of being judged. But you know what? Yes I did.  You're welcome. And don't try to act like you're not the least bit curious.

Facebook Emojis I Wish Existed

"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." I know, I know. But emojis were created so that we can say things without teeechnically saying things. Still, sometimes you see posts on social media that you just don't know how to respond to or deserve something besides a thumbs up.

Well, gather 'round, boys and girls *slams fist on table* because as usual, I have put something amazingly useless together for your entertainment: Facebook Emojis I Wish Existed.

No Sleep Mommy: A Children's Book Parody

I'm at it again with the children's book parodies because they're pretty rad. It's a spontaneous writing adventure and you never know what you're going to end up with. This time I'm doing a parody of the classic children's book Goodnight Moon, written by Margaret Wise Brown. Only this one is titled No Sleep Mommy.

15 Reasons Why Dishes Are The Devil

Do you hate washing dishes and need a reason to procrastinate because you have a sink full of those fuckers right now? Then I've got just the thing for you (I always got your back, boo!).

Okay, I have a dishwasher so I know I shouldn't complain but I'm still convinced that washing dishes is a chore created by the devil.

National Be Nice To A Fellow Mom Day

 

Raise your hand if you've ever felt judged by another mom.

When I got pregnant with my son, I knew what I was signing up for (kinda). What I didn't know was that becoming a mother gave other moms (hell, gave everyone, parent or not) full license to judge.

Recent generations not only have to stand being judged in the real world, but online, too. The internet has given people a virtual soap box to express their opinions.

As if moms don't have enough to worry about, we face side-eyes and hushed conversations and pictures of perfect moms with tidy children and articles about how we're not doing things right.

Having a child is one of the best things that can happen to a person, but at times it can be lonely.

I saw this meme the other day and realized we need more compassion and less alienation.

I have a feeling there are a lot of moms out there who want to connect and be understood, even if that means a genuine smile at the mom in the grocery store with a tantrum-throwing tot.

That's why I want moms everywhere to band together and stop the mom wars for just one day. 

Let's create a holiday where we say and/or do something nice for fellow moms or simply acknowledge each other in a way that is kind. A break from feeling not good enough and maybe making a new friend sounds horrible, right?

Let's make National Be Nice To A Fellow Mom Day a thing. Call your mom friends out on being awesome. Sprinkle happiness around like glitter.

I'm challenging moms everywhere to give and receive a little bit of love because we deserve a freaking break and if anyone can understand that, it's other mommas.

Image Source: NYTimes

Mommy Cusses Daily LOLZ

Just here to give you your daily LOLZ. Caption is from my own lady brain. 

Image from: Huffington Post 

Alexis And The Terrible, Horrible, Can't Even, WTF Day: A Children's Book Parody

I've been wanting to write a children's book parody for quite some time now and as I was reading this book to my child, I thought, I could totally do a mom version of this. So I did. And, like life, it started out fun and funny and then ended up pretty depressing actually. My next project is going to be coming up with illustrations for these and then sell it for millions (yeah, right, well, I am going to make illustrations). I hope you get a good laugh out of this. Enjoy!

I went to sleep without wearing a pad and now there's blood on the sheets and when I got out of bed this morning I stepped on a soggy pee diaper and by mistake I squirted breast milk in the baby's face and all over my work shirt and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, can't even, WTF day.

Mysterious Childhood Ailments

Throughout my career as a mother, I have witnessed and heard tales of certain common yet mysterious childhood ailments. I have taken it upon myself to catalog these ailments in hopes for a cure.

The Unquenchable Bedtime Thirst - this phenomenon has been noted by parents all over the world, where children inexplicably become parched after being tucked in.

Buttwiping Amnesia - They know how to do it. You know they know but for unknown reasons, and at random times, the piercing whine emits from the bathroom. "Wipe my buuuutt." When prodded about why they can't do it themselves, they claim to have forgotten or not know how.

Hand Tourettes - This affliction only presents itself when full cups of liquid are nearby. Everything appears normal, but suddenly, the child's hand loses all control and before you realize what's happening, drink has been spilled everywhere. 

Chocolate Succubus - Any mention of foods other than chocolate will be met with looks of disgust and the child will report not being hungry, however, once chocolate is presented, the child becomes ravenous, caring not for appearance whilst smearing the brown all over their faces and clothes.

Inconvenient Bladder Syndrome - Even if the child has emptied their bladder before leaving, moments after you arrive at an event or for groceries, the child will need to urinate. If no restrooms are available, the child's urgency will almost always be tenfold.