"Why Do Moms?" Google Autocomplete

Google’s autocomplete feature is one that garners some handy and hilarious results. If you aren’t familiar with this feature, it’s where Google offers search suggestions based off whatever words you begin to type into the search bar. These suggestions are things that people have actually typed in, and they’re usually the more popular searches.

I decided to have a little fun with Google autocomplete with: Why do moms.

These were Google’s top search suggestions:

Why do moms get fat

Why do moms yell all the time

Why do moms kiss their babies

Why do moms hate their daughters

Why do moms yell

I’M NOT YELLING. YOU’RE YELLING!

Since these are questions that actual people have pondered enough to consult Google, I thought, who better to answer these seekers of knowledge than a mom? 

So, let’s get to it.

New Game Obsession: KinderPerfect

 First and foremost, guys, I've been working on a pretty big project which is why I have been neglecting this blog a bit. When I finally tell you what I've been up to, you'll be excited. I think. I hope.

But without further ado...

All work and no play makes mommy hide in a locked closet with chocolate.

An Amazon Review Of Childbirth

After reading the rave reviews for this product and downing a few glasses of wine, I finally decided that it was time to drop this wish list item into my shopping cart and make it a reality.

At checkout, I carefully selected my desired options, summoned up every ounce of courage, and clicked ORDER.

Buyer’s remorse quickly set in. What was I doing? Was I ready? Did I truly want this? But as soon as the confirmation e-mail popped up in my inbox, I was ecstatic.

The description of this item states that it takes “nine months” after the purchase date for it to arrive, so I prepared myself for the wait. I checked in on the status messages of my order obsessively: “We have received your order,” “Processing your order,” and then finally, “Preparing your order for shipment.”

Nine months came and went and I was still sans package. After calling Customer Service, I found out that the process is more like 10 months. What. The. Fuck.

Then one morning, I received the text: Your package is out for delivery.

How I Potty Trained My Newborn In 6 Easy Steps

Shortly after learning that I was pregnant, I decided to lead a more natural life. I traveled to the hills of Nebraska and found a large team of wild horses who took me under their hooves.

I learned so much during my time with them, and before I knew it I was naked on all fours, hovering over a pile of hay. As my baby crowned, I took off on a trot to help him come out. After lapping placenta off of him, I nuzzled him onto all fours, which prompted him to pass his first meconium poop. I knew right then and there that he was ready to be potty trained.

Many parents have been living under the misguided assumption that their offspring need to be 2 or 3 before they can successfully be potty trained, and to that I say, “NEIGH!” Equine Americans have been practicing Baby-Led Shitting successfully for centuries. Babies can be potty trained the moment they are born. They literally were born ready.

Want to know how a newborn can be potty trained with just 6 easy steps? Read on if you’re not a terrible parent, or don’t and just know that you’re wrong. Have fun with all that diaper rash and social conformity.

Fun Non-Traditional Baby Shower Game

 Fun Baby Shower Game: Pass The Baby

Years ago, I threw a friend a baby shower. I wanted to come up with some baby shower games that didn't completely suck and ended up coming up with one on my own. Well, sorta. I stole the idea from a hilarious Passions party game and modified it for the baby shower. Key word, modified. No, I did not do a sex party game at a baby shower.

The game I modified required you to pass a certain X-rated object from betwixt your legs from person to person. Naturally, I, in all my awkward inappropriateness, wanted to play this game. At someone's baby shower. 

Don't worry, I made the game totally PG-13, and everyone had a freaking blast doing it.

9 Pokemon Go Characters Every Mom Can Identify With

They say curiosity killed the cat. By they, I mean all parents who are still sans Pokémon Go, free to waste a few moments mindlessly scrolling through their phones without a child snatching it out of their hands.

Recently, I have submitted to the wildly popular Pokémon Go craze and become one of the millions to download it.

As I delved deeper into the world of Pokémon, I realized that I identify with these monsters. They’re just creatures trying to live their lives while being chased around by children who are hell-bent on trapping them inside enclosed spaces.

I am never the same mom. My mood depends on situations, people, time of day, caffeine and alcohol levels, and also when I was fed last (and told I was pretty).

The following Pokémon have personality traits and behaviors I think all moms can relate to. Bear with me.

How To Twitter

I'm not Kim Kardashian, nor do I claim to be the Queen of The Twitter, but I've been using Twitter for a couple of years now and have learned a lot by fucking up a lot. When I first started using Twitter, I searched Google for all the halp I could get and took away little to nothing. That's why I thought I'd help those starting out or wanting to gain more followers by passing on some tips that don't totally suck.

Here it goes!