It That Shall Not Be Named

Gather 'round and lean in close, ladies, because things are about to get weird, intimate, graphic, and super awkward. I can't help it, it's kinda my thing.

Ladies, what in the shit is wrong with us? There are new moms out there, happy and basking in their pregnancy glow and heads full of long, luscious pregnancy hair that have no clue about my topic today, and it should be our job to warn them, but we fucking don't.

Ice + Salt Eroding Brain Experiment

Listen, guys, I have a confession. I’m a closet Pinterest Mom. I’m not like a regular Pinterest Mom, I’m a cool Pinterest Mom. 

I’ve decided to start sharing some hot-mess-mom-approved kid activities with you in case you also blur the lines between total shit show of a parent and sometimes does cool crap with their offspring.

In the future, I’ll also be sharing with you all the fun Pinterest fails I’ve run across so you don’t find yourself screaming into a pillow on numerous occasions like I have.

For my first hot mess mom kidtivity, I present to you, the Eroding Brain.

How To Pee If You're A Boy

If you’re a boy mom, you know that once you start potty training, your bathrooms will look and smell like a thing of nightmares. Urine-drenched nightmares. 

Cleaning the bathroom is a chore I have listed alongside things like changing a baboon’s diaper after a recent bout of food poisoning, and sponge-bathing the skin cheese of a stranger’s fupa.

Going #1 when you’re a little boy can be tricky, so I’ve slapped together this fun little how-to as a guide. Feel free to add more disgusting pee acts or modify the steps as you see fit.

Party Favors That Parents Secretly F*cking Hate

All parents have had to deal with the aftermath of shitty party favors from well-meaning parents.

If you're the owner of a tiny human, then you have undoubtedly come into contact with a plethora of party favors. Most of the time, these favors are pretty damned cool and you can even wait a month or two before throwing them away. But sometimes, your child comes home with an assortment of nopes by a parent you're certain must secretly hate you.

Allow me to detail each item in the Pandora's box of kid's party favor fuckery.

The Mom Diet & Exercise Plan

While it may not seem like it, the highly coveted “mom bod” can only be attained through a very strict diet and exercise regimen. Until now, this popular diet has been known only to mothers. After all, not everyone can handle the attention our dark under-eye circles and stretch marks draw in public. Being fabulous is so tiring.

It’s time to share the secrets of our diet plan, appropriately titled the “Mom Diet”.

How To (Not) Get Your Child In A Car Seat

There are few tasks that yield as much resistance and mind-fuckery from your child than getting them into their car seat.

It all sounds so simple: pick up your kid, set them down in their car seat, adjust and secure the car seat straps, and drive off into the sunset. Unfortunately, babies are born into this world with car seat repellent limbs.

Straight from the shitty parent's instruction manual, here's how to (not) get your kid into a  car seat.

How To Co-Sleep In 2,457 Easy Steps

The term co-sleeping is deceiving af. First, there’s the “co,” meaning jointly or mutually. What a crock of shit. There’s nothing jointly going on besides your kid’s jagged toenails taking turns slipping down your butt crack. Then there’s “sleeping.” Um, if by sleeping you mean 2-7 hours of internal screaming to an agonizing soundtrack of baby farts and your spouse’s snoring, then sure, some sleeping happens.

Whether you planned on co-sleeping or gave up the good fight just to gain another goddamn hour of shut-eye, there are some unspoken guidelines on how to do this thing properly.

Here’s how to co-sleep in 2,457 easy steps: