Stock Photography Is Bullshit

 

Contrary to common belief, stock photography was created by a team of pristine assholes for the sole purpose of making you feel like dick about yourself. Descendants of this group live on today as trolls in parenting forums, people who insist on putting toilet paper rolls on the wrong way, citizens who enjoy blocking entire aisles with their shopping cart, and slow drivers in the fast lane.

Because I’ve got my fuck all britches on today, I thought I’d make myself feel better in a healthy, constructive way – by making fun of this picture.

How to (Not) Make a Gingerbread House

It was the winter of 2015 that I was introduced to the extreme shitfest that is a gingerbread house kit. There I was, strolling the grocery store, having my ears assaulted by Mariah Carey’s “All I want for Christmas is You,” when I happened upon the supposed confectionary holiday magic in a box. I thought of my son and how his face would light up with a big, doofy smile. “Mommy, you’re the best! There is, and has never been another mother as great and perfect as you!” he would exclaim, in a British accent, because for some reason my brain decided to give him a British accent in this daydream. We would make childhood memories that my son would tell his children about someday. Oh, yeah, I was about to make it rain all kinds of holiday cheer up in this motherfucker. That was when I gently placed the nervous breakdown in a box inside of my shopping cart. What an asshole.

Much like everything else that has to do with parenting, the gingerbread kit came with some general instructions that wound up being a bunch of sugar-coated bullshit. But, hindsight is 20/20 (that is $20 I can never get back, and at least 20 WTF’s muttered under my breath).

What the instructions fail to mention, is that in order to erect the gingerbread house, you need to be an actual licensed general contractor. Then again, the instructions fail to mention a lot, so I’ve taken it upon myself to rewrite them entirely.

WTF Guide To The 2017 Pottery Barn Kids Holiday Catalog

It’s officially November, which means it’s time for my annual roast of this year’s Pottery Barn Kids Holiday catalog. Why? Because when you use words like “sateen” and “luxe faux fur” and spelle wourds with extra letteres or unnecessary diacritical ɱäřķş in descriptions to sound like a fancy bitch, you’re just asking for it imo. Last year, PBK was all sherpa-lined obnoxiousness. This year, well, it’s still sherping obnoxious, but they’ve somehow managed to turn it up a notch, and holy chamois-covered testicles is it funny.

I hope you have a change of underwear handy, because I fully intend on making tears run down your legs. Although, if you don’t, I’m sure PBK has some $100 plush and lace chonies for people who piss pure excellence.

A VERY BAD MOM CHRISTMAS

This post is sponsored by Evite.

Hold onto your peppermint schnapps-filled bra flasks, ladies, because A Bad Moms Christmas, the sequel to the mom’s anthem of movies, Bad Moms, is coming out in December and we need this. Holy common core, do we need this. So, what does it mean to be a “bad mom” during the holidays even? These days, it can mean opting to not play with Lucifer’s doll, aka an Elf on the Shelf, in the middle of the night by making it poop Hershey Kisses in order to delight one’s children. But, if you need other examples of ways you’re robbing your children of seasonal magic and wonderment, Pinterest has them in the thousands.

In the days leading up to Christmas, there are always ample opportunities to festively fuck up, and in anticipation of A Bad Moms Christmas, I started thinking about my own “bad mom” moments, of which there are plenty.

Mom Life Magazine: Because Other Parenting Magazines Give You Enough To Worry About

WTF-MD: The WebMD for Parents (Because our Kids Are Trying to Kill Us)

As mothers, part of our job description is to frantically Google symptoms we or our family members are experiencing in order to come up with a crazy-as-shit self-diagnosis before calling the doctor. 90% of the time, that diagnosis is imminent death, and 100% of the time, our doctors are tired of our bullshit antics (and wish they'd never given us the number to their cell phone).

Sometimes in life, we experience a set of symptoms that just don't seem to fit under any known conditions. It's not that these conditions don't exist, it's just that they haven't been named yet. At least not officially. That's why I've taken it upon myself to identify some of these common yet mysterious ailments that run rampant among parents.

Check off any and all symptoms that apply:

So, You Want To Start A Blog?

Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of questions about blogging. I’ve avoided writing about this topic because I feel like doing so gives people the impression that I’m some kind of expert at this when, in reality, I’m just an expert at not knowing WTF I’m doing. On my journey as a blogger, I’ve made lots of mistakes and I’m nowhere near the blogger I aspire to be, but through those mistakes and crippling self-doubt, I have picked up some tips and tricks and can tell you what I do know.